Cry me a River

OK, so today is a new day.  I have been awake since 4 AM. 

Yesterday was filled with calling apartments, emailing apartments, looking online at apartments.  By around 2 PM, I was spent.  And, done.  I needed to take a break.  So, what did I do?  I went to Costco!  A little retail therapy for me!  Oh wait, scratch that.  I needed toilet paper and paper towels.

Wandering through Costco, enjoying "me" time, I went to the bedding.  I have no queen sheets for my new bed.  I've been using my old king sheets, which, fit OK, just need to do some tucking in.  But, they work.

I found some really nice sheets.  All in different colors.  I picked up one package, held in it my hands, read the label where it said "500 Thread Count",  imagined them on my new bed and the feel of it.  Reality hit me when I looked up at the price.  Put them back, (not so gently) and made my way to the register.

Tish went yesterday and found 3 nice apartments up there.  They won't know if there will be an opening for August until Monday.  However, one of those apartments called my house while I was at Costco.  I will call them today.  I'm just so over all of this.

I'm tired.  I gave it to God.  Gonna let Him take over.  No more.

Husband always forgets that he cannot walk anymore.  He will actually push his walker out of the way when he gets up from the bed.  He has taken falls, but, last night was one of the worst falls to date.

I brought him his dinner in his bed.  Not paying attention when he was finished, (I was watching Judge Judy), I hadn't noticed he had come out of the bedroom carrying his plate, without his walker.

Suddenly, I heard a thud and crash.  He had fallen right at the kitchen threshold, the plate smashing into a million pieces with him on top of the broken plate. 

I ran up to him, trying to pick him up.  He was moaning.  Then, blood started to appear on the kitchen floor.  Panicked, I thought of calling 911, but, looked more closely and found the cuts were not that deep.

As I was trying to get him up, it all hit me.  This stupid disease, his dying, losing his eyesight,  not knowing who I am sometimes, missing my Jack, Colorado, the cruelty of it all.

And so, on this hot evening, with Judge Judy still talking on the TV, my husband lay on the kitchen floor, bleeding, I sat down on the broken glass with him and cried.

I cried for everything.  For him, me, the kids, Colorado, the wonderful sheets I found at Costco, but, couldn't afford to buy, I cried for all that has been lost, I cried looking at husband's head, realizing I gave him a crappy haircut a few weeks ago, I cried because it was so hot outside, I cried because we can no longer share the same bed, I cried because I could.

Then, on this hot evening, Judge Judy still in the background, my husband lifted his head, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Oh, it's OK, please don't cry.  Everything will be OK."

I cried again, harder this time.

I cried because he knew who I was, he was OK after all and he's right.

Everything will be OK.