I guess I've gotten used to these hallucinations. They seem to come on a regular basis now. It used to throw me for a loop. Now? I just ride with them. No big deal. When they come, I switch gears and ride it out, waiting for the next one to hit. Whatever.
Could it be that the All Mighty and Powerful God has made me so strong that I can handle anything now? I think so.
Since placing him in his hospital bed, he sleeps all night with no getting up and wandering the apartment. The labored breathing comes and goes. Some nights it's disturbing, other nights, not so bad.
The other night, as I lay there listening to him, I finally realized what it is. Have you ever heard of the Death Rattle? I read it somewhere, a long time ago. Well, husband has reached that point. When I hear it, it haunts me. And, scares me a little bit. Because I know what it is now. Not so comforting when you are trying to go to sleep.
Tish checked out our apartment up there in Colorado Springs yesterday. Afterwards, she called me and told me that she got a bad feeling when visiting the grounds. She advised me that the place was run down, dirty, screens hanging from sliding doors and windows and said she would not feel right if I took the apartment. I am trusting her and Jace's judgement. She said, "Mom, there is no way I can have you live there. You would not like it if you saw it. Jace and I both agree that there is something better out there."
So, after having a fun filled day of hallucinations, here I am, 6 weeks out, having given my notice here and no place to go up in Colorado Springs. Tish and Jace will look again today up there, but, I am completely broken down this morning.
Where will we live now? If I stay here, they are raising my rent $250 per month, that is, if I don't sign a lease for at least 1 year. How can I save to move then? Also, I don't want to stay here. My dislike for this city permeates my every breath. I want out of here.
So, my friends, if you are the "praying kind", please pray for me. Pray for Tish &Jace, that they will be able to find us something up there.
I just can't deal with all of this today. It's just too much.
So sorry that things are piling up on you right now. I have heard of the death rattle. Maybe he is just snoring........but it is pretty distinct. After you explaining his scan, I wondered how someone can live like that. I personally don't think you should move right now. Can you get a medical statement saying that his time is short and that you will move when he passes...so....they can't raise the rent. Then you can make a fresh start. Then you can leave all the bad memories in one place and your needs will be very different. Just my opinion.....I don't have to walk in your shoes. Glad that your children are watching out for you. (((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI am praying for all of you!!
ReplyDeleteI will pray. If this comforts you in anyway, I've seen this quote more than once lately...basically it says, "God is already there." He knew you would be in the spot. He knows where you will live. He will direct your path and he will lead you all to the place you are supposed to be.
ReplyDeletePlease don't think I think this is easy to trust. But what do we have if we don't trust God will provide. I pray the enemy does not steal your peace as you trust your Father to provide for your every need. He is already there! Like Debby, here's a ((((HUG!)))) for you!