Two faced

Oh, gotta love those hallucinations. 

I went to be at 10:00 PM.  It was all downhill from there.  Husband woke me up at 11 PM, 1 AM, 3 AM and 5 AM.

Sleep?  What sleep?  I have come to the conclusion that I'll sleep when I'm dead.  Actually, I have gotten used to feeling tired, it's just another perk of Alzheimer's.

It is scary and, I have to admit, rather amazing when the hallucinations come on.  Husband's face changes dramatically.

His jaw will jut out, his bottom lip will turn outward and his eyes will either be squeezed shut, or, (and I hate this part), eyes wide open, huge, with the look of a wild caged animal.  Yes, it's quite interesting. 

When the episode is over and he goes back into his own world, the face relaxes, his eyes return to what is now his "normal" look and he's fine.  Absolutely no memory of what just took place.  None.  Nada.  Zip. 

I'm taking all this in stride.  I read about it a few years back, the hallucinations.  I always hoped he wouldn't go through those.  It sounded so scary.  I often thought to myself that there would be no way I could go through that.  Well, wonder of wonders, here I am, going through it.  And, still standing. 

Instinct, if you will, takes over for me.  I remain calm, all the while talking to him, agreeing with him whatever it is he's going through.  If he misbehaves during one of these hallucinations, I get stern with him.  

Trust me, if any one of you ever get the opportunity(?) to witness this, your instincts will take over.  But, you have to be strong.  You can't fold with every aspect of Alzheimer's.  I never, ever, in a million years thought I could handle such a situation.  Here I am, handling it and getting through it, picking up where I left off.  Absolutely crazy.

I may be crazy one day.  After this?  When husband is gone, I want to feel as if I did my very best with him.  That's all I want.  I want him to know and understand just how much he means to me, that I'd do anything for him.  To the extent of holding his body close to mine when he is shuddering from hallucinations.  

I like to think that he does know.  Somewhere, deep inside his damaged, wracked brain, that he feels the love and devotion from me. 

Yes, I believe that.