Side Effects of Dementia

I'm not talking about Leon's side effects. We all know what is happening to him. I'm talking about what this monster is doing to Jack and myself.

I took Jack to the Dr on Monday. The things he told the Dr, how he has been feeling, his thoughts, his emotional state, broke my heart. I wanted to grab my child and run as far away as I could get us, away from the awful truth. My child is suffering beyond any scope I'd imagined.

The Dr immediately recognized his condition and said that they had a Psychiatrist on staff and would I mind if he went and got her to speak with us. After some time, he came back with her. I felt instantly calm around her. She seems to be a wonderful, understanding lady. There was compassion in her eyes. She said Jack is in need of immediate treatment, said to make an appointment for this week, said if they say there is no room for him this week, make it happen. So, luckily, there was an opening for today at 2:45.

I know I am making the right decision in him going to see her. Jack has seemed more relaxed, kind of like he's saying, "finally". I see good things happening with this counseling. I see my Jack coming back.

Jack told me things that his father has done I didn't know about. He said, "Mom, he is so bad". He also told both Dr's how bad off his dad is and how hurt he is by all of this. He also said that when he was little, he always had me, but now that he is older, he needs his dad and his dad cannot be there for him. He said he has a sore heart. My God, my child is hurting beyond measure. And all because of a disease called Familial Frontal Lobe Dementia.

I am hoping today's session will open up the door he needs. This is going to be a journey for him. A journey toward healing and looking to the future with hope.

As for me, I will be OK. In some ways, I am anxious for Leon's journey to be over. Not because I want him dead. I want it to be over for him and his suffering. Is that wrong of me? Don't judge me people, he has a TERMINAL disease, there is no cure, there is nothing that can be done for him. If there was a chance, I would move Heaven and Earth for him. I cannot. We are left with what we have. I see the suffering every day. The hallucinations, the disorientation, the lack of memory, his inability to walk. And I say to myself, "How much longer is this going to go on?"

Only God knows in His Infinite Wisdom. As I sit here typing this I feel the anger, frustration and horror of this terrible disease and what it's done to my family. The Side Effects of Dementia.