Dodging the Bullet

Every 3rd Saturday of the month, our church does what they call "Pit Stop". Using the back parking lot of the church, volunteers come and service cars for single moms or dads, disabled, elderly and/or people who cannot afford maintenance on their vehicles. I think it is a wonderful outreach program.

Husband volunteered last month. Of course, he cannot work on cars anymore, but they put him at a table where they had all the supplies and tools. They got a stool for him to sit on. He was in his element last month. He didn't pass out tools much because he would get confused when asked for a specific tool. He was there, that's all that mattered.

He went again yesterday. He did less than last month. I'm sure they realized he can't do much of anything anymore, but, they don't have the heart to turn him away. I like to think he loves it because he is with guys, cars, tools and the grease of it all. He came home tired, but wanted to go to Saturday services, instead of today. We went last night. I noticed his fatigue. His walking was slow and stiff with a little spasticity thrown in to boot.

Today, we will rest. He needs it. I can't tell where he is mentally today yet. I'll know soon enough.

I don't know where I'm at mentally today yet either. I slept good last night. Rare for me anymore. Usually, I have bad dreams. Disturbing dreams. Not so last night.

The Holidays are upon us. I am not in a holiday mood. I would like to just forget about Christmas all together. There is no money for Christmas this year. I don't think I'll put the tree up. Just am not into it this year. I don't feel like celebrating. Then, I look at Jack. It's not fair to him. I have talked to him about it, told him I am not in the mood for these holidays. He said he is not either. How can he be?

My Jack watches his father fading away. He now has to "Dad sit" if I have to go somewhere. He has to treat his father like an unruly little brother. He shouldn't have this kind of burden. He shouldn't have to act like the dad. He should be a kid still. He is so mature for his age. Wise beyond his years. I know he has his moments. We talk. He seems to take it all in stride. On the outside. Inside, he is hurting. He will never be the same child he once was. His world has been shattered too.

Next year this time, Jack will be in the Air Force. Away from here. Away from all of.......this. I long for the day he leaves. He needs to get away. He needs to start his life. I am excited for him to leave. If it weren't for his dad being the way he is now, I would be devastated to see my last child leave the nest. The baby. Not so now.

Jack will be successful. Jack will find happiness. Jack will be responsible for him and him only. No more seeing his dad die. No more seeing his mom struggle. It's his turn to live.

My only concern is, this horrific disease runs in the family. I pray my Jack will not be affected by it. I pray he can live a long and healthy life. I pray he has dodged the bullet.