Making a difference!!

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like it Frontal Lobe Dementia had not come into our lives and destroyed it to bits.

I often think, I would still be working, husband would still be the best concrete cutter, Jack would have his dad, we would be like any other family.

Of course, that was not to be. Our lives have been shattered. Our lives have been destroyed. We are not "normal" anymore. We live with impending death every day.

We still find time to laugh, though. We don't walk around crying. We joke, we kid. Only, with a different outlook. We look at the world differently now. We now know that death will happen to all of us. Some a little sooner than expected that's all.

It's not all gloom and doom in our house. We're just....different now.

Some people don't come around anymore. They feel uncomfortable around husband now. If we happen to see them while out, (which is rare), they are the ones who look guilty. I smile and am polite. I make them uncomfortable by my attitude. I don't ask them, "Why"? Of course it hurts. I feel abandoned at times. We have no life to speak of anymore. It's getting harder to take husband out because he wanders away from me, gets lost, then panics. So, we stay home.

I know that if a family member or friend ever had to go through this, I would surely be there for them. I would do what it takes to ease their suffering. But, not everyone is like me. I have come to terms with that, and letting it go. I'm working on it.

This may sound strange, but, I hope when I'm alone, kids gone, husband passes, I hope I can come into someone's life and help them. The desire to do so overwhelmes me at times. I so want to help someone. Maybe I can make a difference in their life? Maybe I can assure them in their dark hours that, yes, this is hard, but I've been there, done that. No, it's not easy, but, assure them they can get through it, they will laugh again, they will live again. Life will go on. Only, they will be "different".

We all have the instinct to survive, it's there, you may not know it, but it's there. I've found that out. Shed your tears, hurt like you've never hurt before, feel as if you cannot go on. But, you will go on. Life will go on. Amazing how we do come back to the living world. We do because we have no other choice.

Watching your husband die is not easy nor fun. I will be different.

I will make a difference. Just wait and see.