Thanksgiving?

The past few days have been hard to live in my house. Husband is continuing to decline, faster than ever before. His attempt to walk has been difficult, more than before.

Last night, after the dogs had done their business outside, I let them back in. Husband was standing by the door, watched the dogs come in, chuckled at them, then, turned to the door and whistled for the dogs to come in. I could not believe my eyes. He turned around to face me. I did not recognize him. There was a difference in his facial features. He looked down, saw that the dogs were in the house and said, "There you guys are".

Husband loves to dust the furniture. That's his job, he loves to do it. Yesterday morning, I asked him to dust the furniture. He nodded his head and went into the bedroom. I finished up in the kitchen, thinking he was in the bathroom. Waited about 20 minutes, then, went in the bedroom. There he was, sound asleep in bed. Checked on his breathing, that was fine. He slept about 2 hrs. I dusted.

Jack has noticed it as well. When I was cooking yesterday, he came to me and said, "Mom, dad is not acting right." I told him the disease is taking over now, this will happen. We just have to act like nothing is wrong. He stood there looking so sad and my heart hurt for that child of mine. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't like this, mom". I know, son, I know. I don't either.

I was looking at his feet last night and noticed that his toes have curled inward. I also noticed that he could barely walk. I asked him if he needed help getting back to the bedroom. He said no. With every step, it became clear to me that this is the beginning of the end.

Kristen went to the ER yesterday for her wisdom teeth. She has to have them removed, but, was in alot of pain. When she got home, husband talked with her, then, she went to lay down. About an hour later, husband said, "Where is Kristen? Is she still at the Dr's?"

My heart is heavy today.

Thanksgiving is coming up. I didn't know where we'd be last year this time. Now I know. We will not be going to Tish & Jace's this year. Can't afford it, plus, the long drive will be too much on husband. I will cook a nice dinner for us, Pat & Christine, Tyler & Susie, Susies parents, Marie, Burt and the kids will be here. I will smile, act as if I'm thankful, enjoy the people around me, enjoy the many conversations we will have, be courteous when my cooking is appreciated and pretend like we are no different from any other family.

This morning, I am going to church. When I get there, the music will be playing. Loud, Christian rock style. As I stand there, clapping my hands, singing, I will say a silent prayer, a prayer of desperation.

"Lord, still my Soul".