To live in my house

Today, I am taking husband to buy him a new pair of shoes. He is excited like a kid starting school.

When Jack got home from school yesterday, husband said, "Jack, mom is getting me a new pair of shoes tomorrow". Jack is so cool. He smiled and said, "hey, great dad". Husband looked so proud. As Jack walked away, the look on his face said it all. That was sad.

Why does my son have to see this? Why can't my son have a real father? Why has my family been "chosen" for this journey? Who knows.

I sometimes do question this. It's not that I get on a "feel sorry for us" kick, it's just questions I have to ask. It keeps me from going insane.

I sincerely hope that you will not have to go through this. Whoever you are out there in Blog Land. The horrors of this disease will leave scars on us that can never be erased.

One of the symptoms of the brain dying is they lose control of their bladder. Husband has wet his pants many times in the last month or two. He hides his wet underwear, sometimes in the hamper, sometimes in the bathroom cabinet. Yeah, he does this. Everytime I find wet underwear, I want to sit and cry. He is ashamed. The last time it happened, I told him to tell me when it happens, so I can wash the underwear right away. He didn't understand.

Imagine how he feels when this happens? I can't. Does it scare him? Does it make him sad? He will not tell me. I don't think he knows how to anymore.

A few weeks ago, he was in his underwear and I noticed a wet spot. I pointed it out to him. He looked confused.

Husband is up early this morning. Got up, dressed himself and is eating a bowl of cereal. Is excited for today. Until I take him to get these new shoes, he will ask many times when we are going. I will answer many times.

We will go to the shoe store. "The Look" will come back. Too many choices, too many people, too much. I will pick out many pairs. He will not be able to make his mind up. It will take time. Finally, he will choose a pair. All the way home, he will question himself on why he chose that pair. Ask me if he did the right thing. Will start to worry that they will not fit, he won't be able to walk, he may get blisters, maybe he should've chosen the white ones or the black ones.

All the while, as I'm driving, I will soothe him, talk to him, reassure him.

When Jack gets home from school, I know he will tell him, "Jack, look what mom bought me". Jack will smile, probably say great choice, dad, then, walk away with that oh so sad look on his face. Huband won't notice. He'll be too busy staring at his new shoes.

Oh, to live in my house.