All I want for Christmas.............................

I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. The week has been pleasant. Husband has behaved. We had one moment Monday night.

I was watching TV in the living room. Husband comes out of the bedroom, no shoes, no jacket. Goes to the front door, steps outside. I ask "Where are you going?", as my heart begins to pound. He can barely walk at this point, mumbles something about the outside faucets freezing. He did something to the faucets, came back in and went to bed.

After that episode, I can happily report that he seems OK. When that happened with the faucets, I got that familiar feeling again. The "oh no" feeling. But, it came and went. He has been in a good mood.

Today is our regular weekly Physical Therapy. I don't see what good it's doing, but, it gets husband out of the house, I drop him off and have 1 whole hour to myself. Yay!!

He gets his braces, or, Orthodics as they like to call them nowadays, Friday. He told me last night that once he gets them, he feels he will be able to walk normal again. Who knows, maybe he will?

I am feeling better than I did last week. Even when I feel that there is no hope for us, there is a spark still left in me. It must come from God. After all, He really is my only hope. Not that I'm hoping for a cure for husband. There won't be. He is going to die, I know that. It's this dread I feel most of the time. A heaviness that won't go away.

I am trying to keep myself away from a dark place. It's hard, I have a permanent lump in my throat. It's there, always. But, I have to learn how to have that lump and still function. I am a work in progress. All I can do is make the best of each day. Sounds good on paper, but, I have to say, I try, I really try. Some days I'm successful, other days, not.

I am hoping for another good day. I am tired of all the crap that has been thrown into my path. I just want a normal life. Is that too much to ask for?

I have been thinking of going to see "Santa" at one of the malls. I imagine me getting on his lap and asking him, "Santa, can I please have a normal life?"