Ready for battle

I look back to last week, the anticipation of the holiday, Marie coming, the visits we would have, digging deep to find something, anything, to be thankful for. Of course, we all know how that turned out. So much for my plans.

One week later, husband is stable, acting reasonably normal, or as normal as he can be. All the confusion, anger and total loss of control is gone. Replaced with a husband who is somewhat "normal" with the exception that his attempt at walking is getting worse. I've noticed that he wanders the house more, since last week. Could it be that that part of the brain was destroyed during this last onslaught?

I hate this.

I hate that we can no longer plan anything. I can't even plan on being "thankful" for one day, just one. Because of this disease, our lives are centered on Dementia. I have a routine, somewhat, but it all depends on what was destroyed during the night. My days can be smooth sailing, or they can be rough seas.

I went to the grocery store yesterday. Of course they were playing Christmas songs. It's that time of year, ugh. When I got to the checkstand, that music was really getting to me. The clerk was so sweet, we began to talk. Finally, I said, "Why don't you people turn off that music? There are some people who just can't handle that. Do you know how hard it is for some people to listen to this? Take for instance, me, my husband is dying and I come in here and listen to this music". That poor woman. Within a few minutes, I told her I was sorry, didn't know where that came from. She looked at me with a warm heart. Said she understood, how sorry she was. So am I, I thought. So am I.

What is happening to me? I feel at times as if I'm loosing it. I hate this stable period, because I know it's coming, the bad things are coming. It's just a matter of time. Holding my breath, waiting, crouching, ready for the next attack. Huh, something I've learned is never relax, never. You never know when the next one is going to hit. I'm prepared this time. My shoulders are hunched up, my muscles are tight, my body is in position. Bring it on!