I come here early each morning. I usually have no idea what I'm going to say. I reflect on the day before, drawing from that. I reflect on my life so far. I reflect on my marriage and motherhood. And I reflect on the what is to be. As I start to type, the words flow from my fingers to the keyboard. The sign of a true writer? Don't know, but it's what I do.
Some days, words just do not come to me. So, I dig deep, looking for words from my heart. And then, like a dam bursting, the words come.
My blog is a diary of sorts. A journey I'm traveling on. On this blog, you will not see advertising, contests or "vote for me" sidebars. There are no pictures except for the one I captured on husbands' last camping trip in August of 2010. It may seem boring to some, but, this is my journey. A journey I want to share with others. A journey where I am learning more about myself each day. A journey that will not end well. Depressing? At times, yes. Heartfelt? All the time.
There are always "Seasons" in one's life. We are unique in our seasons. It is our own personal seasons. We travel different roads.
Someone asked me yesterday if I quit work last year sooner than maybe I should have. I agreed, but, said that the memories of this past year, when husband was more "with it", will be with me forever. That's what's important. Not a paycheck.
I am a Christian. I love Jesus more than myself. I trust in Him. He walks with me. He guides me. He comforts me. He surprises me when little "miracles" happen throughout my day. He loves me.
I will not become a bitter person. I am fighting this daily. I am starting counseling with a counselor at church. I need it. I feel bitterness swelling up. I feel anger building up. A lot of anger. I need to nip this in the bud. I will not become that kind of person.
I am not comfortable with the holidays this year. With Christmas fast approaching, I feel restless. Just get it over with, I say. If I am told "Merry Christmas", I always smile with a cheery "Merry Christmas" back atcha kind of reply. It is not heartfelt. I have to be honest. Not that I want them to not have a good Christmas, it's just not there for me, in my life, in my journey this year. It's me, not them. For my children's sake, I act excited for Christmas. For husband I act excited. Inside, there's this dread.
Last year this time, I wondered what it would be like this year. Would husband still be with us? Well, he's here. He's still alive. His body is still here, but, his mind is not here anymore. He goes in and out of reality. Some days being better than others.
My journey here on earth. My journey here in blogland. It may be boring to some. It may be depressing to some. It may upset some. It may seem bland to others.
But, it's My Journey.
Hi again Sunny Sue,
ReplyDeleteI guess you don't publish comments? As I mentioned before, I hated to think of you blogging for all of this time and never receiving a comment, so I am GLAD to know that you do get comments!
My other reason for writing today is to tell you that I can very slightly relate to you. I took care of my mom, in my home, before she passed. At the time my daughters were 2 and 4. She had a brain tumor, and her care was pretty rough at the end. My girls don't remember this, and it was their grandmother, not a parent. As a mom, I hurt for you when I think of your son.
Also, my 92 year old dad has Alzheimers. His decline has been extremeely rapid. I traveled out of town to see him yesterday... I will spare the details but most of all I just wanted to tell you that now when you write about the "vacant look" I "get it".
I will continue to read your blog and not because of your husband's condition. More because of the way you are "made" - I admire your positive Godly attitude, your sense of family and caring for those you love, and your ability to rise above your horrible situation.
I hope your weekend was a good one.
May God Bless you and keep you,
Becky