A new day, a new dawn

I've had to take some time to reflect, to think, to plan, to make some kind of sense out of all of this nonsense.

Sunday, a day of rejoicing that our Savior had risen should of been filled with joy.  It was a very dark day in my house.

I took husband to his Dr appointment on Monday.  We had been there two months previous, and, here we were again.  Where in the past, we were going every six months, since December, this was our third trip to see the Dr.

Dr A was shocked at the sight of husband.  It was so obvious by the look on his face as he talked and examined husband.  When he was finished, he sat down, shook his head and began talking with me.  Husband was about 2 feet away from us. 

Once he sat down, I said, "Well?"  Shaking his head, he said, "He has entered the unknown world of
Alzheimer's.  Basically, he's gone, with a few small sparks of reality, he's gone."  I knew it,  I was right.  Why oh why do I have to be right?

Dr continues on, "By the look on your face, this has taken a toll on you.  There is nothing we can do for him anymore but up his medication, to keep him comfortable.  You have to start planning the rest of your life."

As he said this, he looked so sad.  I had never seen him this way.  He looked, well, human.

All the while we were talking, there sat husband, not 2 feet from us and he never heard a word, or, did not understand anything we were saying.  No reaction, no response.  Nothing.

I requested that we up his Zoloft.  Dr agreed.  We will keep him on the anti-psychotic as well.

Now, with the increase in his Zoloft, husband has been very pleasant.  It's doing it's job.  He is not in touch with reality much, but, pleasant just the same.  I'll take pleasant.  After last week, yes, pleasant please.

And me?  I have been very sad.  But, in this process, I am doing what the Dr ordered.  Planning the rest of my life.  I don't know what I'll do or where I'll go.  I'm thinking about it.  While I am sad, very sad, I feel something inside of me beginning.  Something that has been dormant for 3 years.

Reinvention of someone.  Me.

I've been on this journey far too long.  As Dr A said, it's now ending.  I am left with what I am left with.

Don't cry for us.  We've had a good life.  We've had our ups and downs, good times and bad.  But, we have always been together.  It's ok.  I have been holding my breath far too long, waiting for these words to be spoken.  Now it's out in the open.  Who knows how long he has?  Dr said 8 months, 12 tops.  OK, I understand, got it.

I am going to be OK.  I have my moments where I begin to panic, but, it goes away quickly. 

So, my friends, today is the beginning of the rest of my life.