End of life, beginning of new year!!

Six months ago today, my husband took his last breath and passed.  I was right by his side. 
When I close my eyes at night, that image always comes to me.  It is burned in my brain. 

As we get closer to the new year, I am anxious for 2015 to be over.  Heck, nowadays, I'm anxious about everything.  Comes with the territory, I guess.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I did find a smaller, cheaper apartment.  I like it. 

In February, my daughter and I are going to take a road trip down to Albuquerque.  Get away, maybe do a Casino or two and try to relax.  I am actually feeling good about this road trip.

I am in the process of trying to get this blog published.  Anyone know of a reputable publishing company, where I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for publishing?  I feel it may be a good start.  I have not worked on the book.  It's hard for me to concentrate lately.

Some days, I feel so out of whack and others, not so bad.  Today, I am out of whack.  Probably why I am posting.  I find myself wandering the apartment, frustrated and feeling desperate at times.

The church I have been attending is starting a new Grief Share the end of January.  I think I will be the first one to sign up.  I really, really, need something.

I've thought of going back to work part time, but, don't know if I could deal with it.  Not after what I've been through.  Sometimes, the idea of working appeals to me, other times, not so much.  See what I mean about floundering?

Today, I am re-living husband's last hours and reflecting on the last year.  Hard to tell your mind to stop it when you fall back, look at the clock and think back to what I was doing this time, 6 months ago today.  Ugh.  This grief can do some pretty crappy things, especially when you least expect it.

Here's to a new year.  A new beginning, I pray.  A new life.  A better life for me. 

Getting on board!!

Gosh, it's been 3 months since my last post.  I had not intended to post anymore, but, felt compelled to do so today.

Life is, I don't know.  Hard, I guess.  With the Holidays', I've had a rough time.  Thanksgiving was awful for me.  With Christmas coming this week I am more excited for it.  But not in the way one would think.  I'm excited for it to be over with.  Wash my hands and be done with it.  I have made up my mind to smile a lot on Christmas, I don't want to put anyone else in a sad mood.  It's only 1 day, I tell myself.

I do smile.  I do laugh.  but, then, at the most unexpected time, grief will overtake me.  It can, at times, shake me to my core.  I hate it.

Husband has been gone almost 6 months.  The time has flown for me.  They say time heals.  I disagree.  It's hit me harder the last 2 months.  You never get over it.  I am learning to live without him, but, the hurt remains.  Still fresh.  Still just as painful.

I visited a Church yesterday.  It was really great.  I can't wait to go for Christmas Eve Services.  They have a lot of groups there.  One is Grief Share and another one is a Social Gathering each Friday night.  I'd like to check into both of those.  I feel the need to fit in somewhere.

So, for those few who still check in, I am doing OK. Not fantastic, but, not too bad. 

Life is going to go on, regardless of what happened.  I can either join in or not.  I choose to join in.  A little damaged, (no, a lot damaged) a little worse for the wear, a little sadder than most, but, I have to join in. 

Life is happening all around me.  I need to get on board.  I need a boarding pass.

Time

For those few who still stop by to visit this blog, I thought I would give a quick update.

I am not sad to see summer end.  It was not a good season for me.  Fall is coming to Colorado and it is beautiful here.  Crisp, chilly mornings, warm days and crisp, chilly evenings.  Good sleeping weather.

I find myself thinking about last year this time.  Comparing the then, to the now.  I don't think that's healthy, but, my mind won't stop.

My daughter, Kristen (who lives with me) was involved in a serious car accident on Sept 1st.  She was coming home from class when a company truck turned left in front of her, causing her to slam into his truck.  Unfortunately, the speed limit is 50 MPH in that area and she didn't have enough time to reduce her speed.  The air bags deployed and the car is totaled.

She was transported by ambulance to the hospital.  I got a call my daughter had been in an accident and was being transported.  I don't know how I managed to drive to hospital in one piece.  I had to drive by the intersection where the accident occurred.  Sitting at the red light, I watched as they loaded what was left of the car on a flat bed. 

I did ok until I was escorted into the emergency room by someone and then it all hit me at once.  I was taken back to June where husband was transported to the same hospital and died 2 weeks later.  I felt my knees buckle, but, had to be strong for her.

She has some serious injuries, but, with time and lots of physical therapy, she will recover.

So, you see, I am not sad to see summer go.  Enough.

I have good days and I have bad days.  I will be doing the laundry and all of a sudden, it will hit me that husband is gone.  I hate that feeling, it is so overwhelming and consuming that it's hard to describe.

Or, sitting outside, looking at the sky, I try to imagine husband in Heaven.  I'm sure my neighbors hear me talk to him or Jesus.  I'm also sure they have heard me cry a time or two.

I am actively looking for a cheaper place to live, preferably one with a small yard for my dog.  I pray throughout the day for this to happen.  I know He will provide me with one.  My income has been reduced due to the death of husband and forget about pinching pennies.  I have no pennies to pinch!!

So, prayers would be appreciated for a cheaper place!!  Thank you.

They say time heals all wounds.  I don't know about that.  I will never, ever get over husband's death.  My heart will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  But, with time, I know I will adjust to life without husband.  I know I will truly laugh again, I know I will truly smile again.

It just takes Time.

Where do we go from here?

Where do I begin?

I arrived home from California Tuesday.  To say I had a wonderful time would be a stretch.  My sister and her husband made me feel loved and welcome, but, half of me is missing.  Husband.

Two childhood friends came one morning and off we went to our hometown, Redondo Beach.  We visited the cemetery where their brother, mother and father are resting.  A very humbling experience.  Then, we went to our old neighborhood, where we grew up.  We went to our high school and hit the beach.

All three of us sat on a wall, looking out over the ocean, not saying much.  I think we were remembering our thoughts as young children, teenagers and young mothers.

We ate lunch at In N Out.  We drove around and laughed til we cried.

And, of course, Southern California was hit with a heat wave the day I landed, lasting the entire 2 weeks I was there.  Mix that with the smog and traffic, I was so ready to board that plane bound for cool, clean air Colorado.

My sister has 3 dogs that I adore.  They followed me around daily. I talked to them about husband and told them that he had gone on to Heaven and how I missed him, so much.  They would look at me as if they understood my heartache.  When I brought my suitcase out Tuesday morning, they looked so sad.   My sister texted me Tuesday night and said "the boys" were looking for me.

All in all, it was good to get away, but, so, so nice to come home.

And now?  I honestly don't know.  I think there's a song that goes, "Where do we go from here?" 

I will be looking for a new place to live in the Fall.  Too many memories here. 

My book is in the works.  I thought I would shut the blog down, but, for now, it will stay up, until the book is completed.  I may not post much, but, if you want to stay in touch with me, you can always email me, or, better yet, if you are on Facebook, send me a friend request.  Just look for Sue Lucero.  That's me.

Thank you all for caring.  It's been one heck of a journey, one I never thought I would travel or, better yet, live to tell the story.

My Story

It has been less than 2 weeks since husband passed.  Seems like an eternity.  I am still trying to wrap my head around all that has happened and how fast it all ended.

I sit on my patio every morning and talk to him.  The other morning, I was crying and talking to him.  I asked him for a sign.  I needed to hear from him.  I got up to go to the bathroom, came back outside and looked up at the sky.

As I focused more, I saw a straight line of a very thin cloud, stretching the entire width of my patio.  I had never seen such a straight line in a cloud and stared at it for a few seconds.  Then, right before my very eyes, angel wings began to come out of this straight line.  They were elegant, beautiful, wispy and Heavenly.

I started to cry, thanking husband for this sign.  I turned my head to take a drink of my espresso, looked back out my patio and it was gone.

That was all I needed.

I leave for California on the 4th of August.  I will be there for 2 weeks.  It will be nice to get away. 

The kids each got some ashes in individual urns.  I have a big one and 1 small one.  I plan on buying 2 medium sized ones, 1 for me and 1 for father in law.  I am taking the small one to California where I will release some into his beloved San Diego, in the ocean.

I am having a hard time with leaving my home.  After 5 years of caring for him, I can walk out my door anytime I want.  Another adjustment. 

I don't know where this blog is going, or, if I will continue it.  I always thought once husband passed, I would shut this down and start on my book.  I have made attempts at the book, but, husband was still alive then.

Once I get back from California, I will start that book.

I have a story to tell. 

Our story.

My story.

It's over

The Angels came for husband at 3:48 this afternoon.  It was a beautiful experience.

So long, love of my life.

I'll see you on the other side when God calls me home.

Thank you all for your love, prayers and support.

It has meant a lot.

I am going to California in August for a little staycation.  I will sit on the beach in my hometown and remember.

I will update soon.

The Long and Winding Road

Husband has taken a turn for the worse.

Hospice says 1-2 days.

He's home with me, family arriving tomorrow.

I am talking to him, he does not respond, but they said the last thing to go is his hearing.  Tish and Jace are spending the night with me.

I am afraid to sleep, for fear he will pass with me asleep.

It will be a long night.

I thought I was so strong.  I am not ready for him to go, but, I have to tell him it's ok to go.

God is here, I feel Him.  Angels are here as well.  It's crowded in the bedroom.

I will update when it's over.

Curtain Call

Last month, when husband saw Dr F in Denver, I remember when he told me, "Soon, he will slip into the unknown."

And, right on cue, husband slipped into the unknown.

This past week, walking has become nil.  With a great deal of pain beginning on Wednesday.  Wednesday night, husband and I pulled an all-nighter.  By morning, I was afraid for husband, so I called 911.

He was admitted and spent the next 3 days under observation.

At least I got answers.

As I was leaving the hospital yesterday, to come home and prepare for his home coming, they told me husband had a slight stroke.  Typical for end-of-life Alzheimer's patients.

Husband is now home.

On Hospice.

He is not aware of anything.  He has to be spoon fed.  He's on comforting medication.

Hospice has provided everything.  When I say everything, I mean right down to wipes.  Everything.

I am glad I made this decision.

Father in law is on his way up from Albuquerque as we speak.  Kids are coming today.  After all, it is Father's Day.

And now, we wait.  For in all probability, the next big stroke that will kill him.

This journey is almost over.  It's been a long one.  He's a fighter, but, this battle he just can't win.

I don't know what my life will be like without him.  I have no answers.

In my post on Facebook, I said, "It's been a great run", and it has.

This "play" is closing.  It's curtain call!!

A Milestone Birthday

Yesterday, husband turned 50.  So hard to believe.

He has now officially lived longer than his Mom, 2 Uncles and Grandfather.  None of them lived to see 50 years old.

He had a good day.  A little confused about all the fuss we made about him, but, he sure did smile and giggle a lot.

Never thought I would experience this.

But, boy am I glad I did.

I did not realize just how long it's been since my last post.  I am having trouble focusing on keeping up with this blog.  Just too much at times to actually sit here and "talk" about husband.

I went to my Dr two weeks ago for a check up.  Everything was fine, however, I broke down and asked for something to calm me down when the going gets rough.  Now, I am the one who doesn't even take aspirin, let alone drugs to keep me calm.  Yeah, it's gotten to this point.

I had been having nightmares.  These nightmares were so severe that have left me shaken and sweating.  Crying as well.

My Dr explained that stress can cause these nightmares.  So, he did prescribed a very small dose and to take when I feel I need it.

I took husband on the 6th to see Dr F in Denver.  While he didn't give me a timeline, he did say that it might happen fast now.  His words, "He's in the final stretch now".

I now have nurses coming 7 days a week.  It's so nice to have them here.

Husband, for the most part is gone.  This has happened so fast, it's been overwhelming at times.

After dinner, he will go into the bedroom so he can "watch" the news.  The other night, as I was turning on his TV, he said, "Turn on the big TV, not the little one."  There is only 1 TV, his flat screen mounted.  I asked him to show me the other TV.  He just waved his hands and said no more.  Now, every night, he tells me, "the big one."

He spends more and more time on his bed, sleeping.

He can be pretty mean at times as well.  Yesterday, he lashed out at the nurse.  Took her by surprise.

So, that's it for us. 

I hope and pray this will all end soon. 

I'm tired.

Plan B

After 2 weeks of complete meltdowns, exhaustion and heartache so intense I thought I would lose it, and, praying without ceasing, I made the decision to place husband.

Thus began a quest to find the "perfect place".

Now?  I got my answer a week ago, last Friday.

Dr D's assistant found a place.  She said the director was concerned about husband's long-term coverage.  So, I called the insurance myself, to get a definite answer.

Of course I was misinformed.  Then, it was explained to me that husband does in fact have long term coverage, however, (here it comes) they pay for 100 days, then we have to re-certify him for another 100 days.  It takes 60 days for re-certification.  They told me I had choices.  The 1st choice would be to take him home for the 60 days,(yeah, I almost gagged on that one) then hopefully(?) place him again if there was availability.  The other choice was to go on private pay.  For 60 days.

How much would it cost me for 60 days, you ask?

$6,240.00.  PER MONTH.

Once I picked myself up off of the ground, I, and not too politely, thanked her for nothing and hung up.

I must of sat outside for 30 minutes.  Staring.  Listening to birds, watching a plane pass overhead, car door slamming, when husband called me in.

As I was changing his diaper, he said, clear as a bell, "Are you gonna put me in a home?"

How he knew, I will never know.  I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "No".

He was quiet for a moment. Then, once again, clear as a bell, "Oh I would die."

This is where Plan B comes into play.  Trouble is, I don't have a Plan B thought out.

I did go to an Alzheimer's Support Group Thursday.  Plan B?  Maybe.

So, I'm on my own.  Again.  I do get angry at times about all the agonizing I did in making the decision, only to be misinformed by someone who could not take the time to give me the correct information I requested. 

Hey, life is not fair.  But this is taking it a little too far in my estimation.

I have moments of pure defeat.  I am so over all of this. 

I am trying not to become bitter.  I have asked God for strength.  If He says I can do this til the end, then so be it. 

But, that's my prayer.  Strength.

In His Time

Finding a place for your loved one is not as easy as it sounds.  There are many steps in doing so.

Making the decision took me about 2 weeks and to come to terms with the most difficult decision I have ever made.

Once the decision was made, I started making phone calls.  How hard could that be, I thought to myself?  Not so easy.  I can sum it up in two words:

Waiting List.

I took husband to his Primary last week.  Dr D was pleased with my decision.  Once he found out I was trying to do this on my own, he put me in touch with his assistant.  She said she would do the leg work for me.

This morning, sitting outside with my espresso, I began to pray.  As of today, I have given it over to God.  I know God will make a place for husband happen, and, it will be the best place.

Since then, I have a peaceful feeling, knowing He is in control and it will happen in His Time.

And, I'm OK with that.

Husband is not in a good place these last few days.  He has been fixated on his wallet, with money in it.  He will take the wallet out of his dresser and stare at the wallet for a good 15 minutes.  He will then ask me to open it and count it for him.  After I do, I put his wallet back in his drawer and tell him to leave it alone. 

Then, I watch him sit on his bed, wringing his hands.  After about 5 minutes, he's back at it with the wallet.  This goes on most of the day.

He asked me yesterday how he would go about turning the money into "real money".  Keeps me on my toes.

Thank you all for your prayers.  My prayer is that God be in control.  He promises that if you come to Him with your burden and heavy laden, He will give you rest. 

It will happen.  In His Time.

Glory be to God

I have been talking to God a lot lately.  A lot.  And my Mom.  A lot.  My heart is heavy and as I type these words, tears keep falling.

You see, I have come to the difficult decision to place husband in a facility.  It's time.  For his sake as well as mine.  And for his safety.

Last week, husband got up in the middle of the night and wandered into the bathroom.  Somehow, he fell backwards into the bathtub, hitting his head and his right arm hit the bathtub faucet, bending it and putting an awful bruise on his arm.  It took Kristen and I about an hour to get him out of the tub.

It was then I began talking to God and my Mom.

I have given this journey 5 years.  5 long years.  I thought I could do it.  "I'm strong," I would tell myself.  "God has trusted me with this," I'd say.  "I take my wedding vows seriously," I'd try to convince myself.  "Remember the promise you made to him, that long ago day, Day of Diagnosis, that you would never place him in a home?" I'd remind myself.

Now, like today, with him sleeping in the bedroom, I try to imagine him gone, in a home.  I get a peaceful feeling, along with such great sadness.

So, now begins the process.  My first stop is Social Security Friday morning.  Because I am his Rep & Payee, he doesn't need to be there.  With him having Medicare and supplemental Humana Insurance, I was told by someone who knows, that I will not lose his benefits, but, will pay a monthly co-pay.  Medicare and Humana will absorb most of the cost.  So, I will go and get all my ducks in a row to find out what my options are.

Next stop will be finding a home.  I want to make sure wherever I place him, that he will be well cared for.

I spoke with his nurse this morning, telling her of my decision.  She agrees and said it was time.  She is bringing me some names of places she knows that are outstanding.  She did mention that I should place him in an Alzheimer's Care Facility.  That way, he will be around people special like him.

I know my husband will hate me for this.  But, once I've made up my mind, there's no changing it.  I can't let the fear of him hating me stop me.  I know once he's there and gets used to it, he'll be fine.  It's getting him there that scares me.

So, there you have it.  I am breaking my promise to him and placing him.  Only, when I made that promise, I would have no idea what a nightmare this is and how it's taken a real toll on me.

There will be some who disagree with my decision.  Oh well.  They don't live here.  They do not walk in my shoes.  Only I can make this difficult decision.

Please be in prayer with me as I begin this heart wrenching task.  What a journey this has been.  My body, soul and mind are so weary right now.

But, once again.  It's time.  May God and all His Glory be with me.

If it doesn't stop snowing soon, I think  I shall lose my mind.  Not kidding.  The weatherman says it's going to be 46 degrees tomorrow.  Gonna break out shorts!!

Seriously though, I am so over Winter.  I took a picture of the snow with my cell and wanted to post it here.  Sent it to my email and it never arrived.  Lost in cyber space.  Or, someone is enjoying a great picture.

My poor dog hates the snow.  I took him out the other day to do his business and when we got to the grass, he sank.  He's a white Maltese, so, all you could see was his eyes.  He literally disappeared in the snow.  Needless to say, he did his thing and pulled me back to the front door.

Although, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We set our clocks forward this weekend, which means, Spring!!  Yay.

On the Alzheimer's side of my life, well, not so great.  This week,  husband has had some serious hallucinations.  A little scary.

The other afternoon, I had started a fire, and as I was turning around from the fireplace, husband was on all fours behind me.  I jumped back and asked him what he was doing.  He  was clawing at the fire saying he had to get our money.  He kept asking me why I was burning up all our money.

It took me some time to calm him down.  For about an hour after that, he was still convinced that all our money was being burnt up.

The next day, he started messing with the dog.  He asked me if the dog was safe.  I assured him he was, wondering where this was leading up to.

Later, husband started choking the dog.  Luckily, I had just come into the living room and saw it.  I took the dog from him and told him, sternly, not to do that again.  He said all he was doing was trying to put the dog back together again.

That left me rattled for the rest of the day.

Yesterday, I came into the living room and husband was smiling and giggling, looking towards the wall.  When he saw me, he stopped.  I ignored it, but, was watching out of the corner of my eye.  Again, he looked towards the wall and began giggling and whispering to the wall.  I asked him what he was doing.  He stopped, said nothing.  But, turned towards the wall, put his finger to his lips as if to shush whoever or, whatever.

I can tell you about this, but, to actually see it in person, well, one can only imagine how horrific and scary these hallucinations can be.

It's awful, I'll tell you.  Awful.

The nurse suggested getting him on anti-psychotic meds.  We've tried those.  They don't work on him.  In fact, it does just the opposite.  Makes him even more agitated.

So, here's to (hopefully) warmer weather, longer daylight, no more hallucinations and the nurse starting on Monday, five whole days of care for husband.

Hip, hip, hooray!

A little good news

It's funny how just when I'm ready to throw in the towel, something good happens.

I got the call from Home Health Care earlier, telling me my Insurance approved us for 5 day a week nursing care.  Big sigh here.

They told me they don't know how long 5 days will help.  Next step will go up to 7 days a week, then 7 days, twice daily.  After that,  Hospice.

To hear that word, Hospice, well, kind of  brought me back to reality, but, I refuse to let that word darken my day.

Husband doesn't know yet, he is sleeping.  A normal for him.  When he wakes up, I will tell him the good news.  From then on, he will continually ask me again and again how many days a week for, I'm sure, the next couple of days.  He just cannot retain anything.

So, today, I will not let anything bother me, for I know that beginning next week, a lot of this burden will be lifted from me.  It's been a long 5 years caring for him, but, it's time to let the professionals take over.  I've done all I can.

Bittersweet because the end is coming.  On the other hand, I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and know I did the best I could. 

And for that, I am thankful.

Support

For those of you that have asked (thank you for the comments and concern) I do have help.

We have a Nurse that comes 3 times a week but, that will be changing to 5 times a week, due to husband's condition.  She is a great woman with compassion, but, also, has developed a bond with all of us.

My daughter, Kristen also lives with me.  She is such a great support system.  She cares for husband when she senses I have reached my limit.  She is patient, loving and kind with him.  At times, she will break down and cry at the thought of losing him, but, for the most part, she doesn't show it to husband.

My oldest daughter, Tish lives here in the Springs too.  Her husband, Jace is stationed at Ft Carson.  They come every weekend (with visits from Tish during the week) and Jace will chop wood and visit with husband.

I have a great support system, but, the every day reality of just living and caring for someone afflicted with Alzheimer's can test the best.

I don't know why God has chosen me for this journey.  I didn't think in a million years my life would be like this.  There is nothing in this world compares to this.  But, it is my life.  My reality, as crappy as it can be, My Reality.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm whining.  I hope it doesn't come across as whining.  Kind of like, "boo hoo, poor me".  It's not what I want readers to think.  It's just.................I have bad days.

I believe snow has come to the Springs with a vengeance.  It won't stop snowing.  And, cold.  It's 10 degrees right now.  Must be our high because it's afternoon now.  Brrr.

I want to say "Thank You" to the person who offered Pizza Hut.  How sweet of you.  Know what I'd like better?  Love to meet you somewhere between Denver and the Springs.  Coffee, lunch, dinner?

Thank you all for following me in this journey.  Each and every sweet comments means a lot to me.  It helps.  Maybe one day we can all meet. 

Until then, thanks for hanging with me.

Alzheimer's - Hollywood Style

I am so sorry for the lack of posts.  Life is giving me a run for my money and Alzheimer's is permeating the very air that I breathe.

Husband is not doing well at all.  He has slipped further and further away from me.  When he tries to speak, it's barely above a whisper, and pronouncing words is almost impossible for him.

He forgets everything.  Everything.  He will ask what's for dinner, I'll tell him.  He will glance around the room and ask me again.  Within 30 seconds.

Last night, I got his night diaper on him, gave him last pill for the day and tucked him into bed.  Got a fresh glass of water, sat down, picked up the TV remote and he called for me.  I went in and he asked, "Did you change me and am I ready for bed"?  Took him about 2 whole minutes to forget I had just been in there.

The other night, while eating dinner, he turned to the wall and said, "Do you like it?  It's good, isn't it"?  Now, let me clarify something.  When he talks to "the visitors", his voice and speech is clear and normal.  It's almost a haunting sound.  Not of this world.

I'm just........done with it all.

For some reason, I am missing my Mom.  The ache I feel inside can really get to me.  It will be 1 year on the 30th of March.  Why all of a sudden now?

Sometimes it's just all too much for me to handle.

I know it's time to place him in a home, but, if I do, I lose his Social Security.  I can't live without that money.  So, I've picked my poison.

I was talking with an old childhood friend yesterday.  She told me how often she thinks of me and cannot even process what I am going through.  She said she has tried to imagine her husband with Alzheimer's, and said its just too painful to even fathom what it's like.

Yes, I know.

There is a movie out and Julienne Moore just won an Oscar for her part playing a woman who is diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's.  I have the book.  It's called Still Alice.

Now, first of all, everyone is raving about this actress and the movie.  I have seen the trailers for this movie.  It's all bunk, I tell ya.

You want to come to my home and see it live and in person?  Or, go to the movies and see a make believe story about someone afflicted with this monster? 

Yea, what they should've named the movie is "Alzheimer's - Hollywood Style".

Yes, life is grabbing me and shaking me to my core right now.  I'll be OK, it's just this rocky road right now is tough.

Hang in there with me ya'll.  No place to go but up.

It's been a while since my last post.  Just haven't wanted to talk about Alzheimer's.  Been a rough week.

Last Saturday, I took husband out for the day.  I had planned on it for 2 weeks.  I was excited for him as well as for me.  Big mistake.

Being around husband all day, every day, I did not realize just how sick he really is.

By evening, I was exhausted and jittery from his bad behavior.  Oh, it was something, I'll tell you.

Husband has become very mean towards me.  I have heard that Alzheimer's patients do this, but, just never thought he would.

Everything is my fault.  I think deep down, somewhere in his brain, he can tell the difference in how I can walk, talk and deal with everything.  Unlike him, who cannot walk, has garbled speech, and cannot even think anymore, I think he thinks it's just not fair and will take it out on me.

After our day trip, I let him know of his bad behavior, (I know, but, sometimes I have to make him aware of bad behavior), he seemed sorry, but, continued to say if I hadn't of done this or that, maybe he would've acted better.  Exhausting.

I am fighting a losing battle here.  Right now, I think I would like to bat my head against a brick wall than try to make him understand bad behavior.

I have been having problems with him waking in the middle of the night and having conversations with "the visitors" again.  Last night, he was telling "someone", "No!!! Leave me alone."

I stayed in my bed listening to him wondering what was going to happen.  Finally, he laid back down, still muttering, still restless.

And, I wonder.  Just who was that?

Part of me wants this all over.  The other part longs for a normal life with a healthy husband.  And, it makes me so sad that I will never, ever, have a healthy husband or, for that matter, a normal life.

Sometimes, like today, I think it's just not fair.

Laughter, the best medicine!!

Thought I'd change the main  page.  It was time for a face lift.

We woke up to bitter cold and snow.  It has been foggy all day.  I like it, except, I had to go to the pharmacy, Petco and grocery store.  Roads were pretty bad, but, I took my time and made it home safe.

I like to get out like that and challenge myself.  Driving slow, watching for the other guy, trying not to skid, I love it.  I know, sounds crazy and not so normal, but, I never claimed to be normal.

On the Alzheimer's side,  things are just about the same.  There has been lots of strange behavior and delusions but, other than that, it's OK.

For some reason known only to husband, on his way to the bathroom, he will open the closet door then proceed to the bathroom.  Lately, when coming into the living room, he will forget to get his walker.  When I remind him to get it, he gets really confused and starts to spin while holding onto my bed.  He also starts to move the bedroom door back and forth.  It may take him a good 15 minutes before he calms down and gets his walker.

As I was putting him to bed Saturday night he said, "Wasn't that a good idea I had?"  Now, me being the actress that I am said, "which one?"  He smiled and said, "the one where I took popsicle sticks and put them in wax and made new popsicles, remember?"  "Oh, yes, I do remember, good idea."

Later, I got a popsicle out, looked at it and had to chuckle.  And then, I had to laugh out loud.  And, as I ate it, I said to no one, "Funny, doesn't taste like wax."

Leave it to husband to make me laugh.

An Alzheimer's Poem

"Do not ask me to remember,

Don't try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you're with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand,

I'm confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost,

All I know is that I need you to be

with me at all cost,

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry,

I cannot help the way I am acting,

Can't be different though I try,

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don't fail to stand beside me,

Love me 'til my life is done."

"Just me"

Awwh, as much as I enjoyed the Holidays this year, I am relieved to get back to more of a routine.  And, I have been posting more again.  It all feels good.

Husband woke up Saturday morning completely lost.  He didn't know where he was, who he was, and kept telling me he did not fit into our apartment.  This lasted all day long.  I kept thinking that him saying he didn't fit, maybe he was telling me he didn't fit into this world anymore. 

At one point, in the afternoon, I finally got him to sit in the living room on the couch.  He kept staring all around, trying, I think, to find something familiar.  Our dog jumped on the couch.  Husband looked at the dog and said, "Well hello little dog, what is your name?"

Unsettling.

Yesterday was OK.  Still lots of confusion, still that blank stare, but, better.

When Nurse J came this morning, I told her about his weekend.  She said she would check him over.  When she got ready to leave, she was rattled by his sudden change in behavior.

My wood man came on the first.  Boy, he stocked me up with wood.  Jace came on Saturday and split a lot of the big logs.  He does that every weekend.  Nothing better than a nice big fire, crackling wood and the warmth it gives off.  I love it.

My lease was up here, but, I decided to re-new the ease for another year.  The thought of moving makes me tired and, with husband so lost, I didn't want to further aggravate the situation by moving to a new, unfamiliar place.

We live in the southern part of the Springs.  Practically every place I go to is in the northern part.  We do however, have a big shopping center at the end of our street.  I do my main grocery shopping there, but, Costco and Trader Joe's are at the upper end of the city.

When husband is gone, I plan on moving a littler farther north.  I'll get a small, 1 bedroom.  Room enough for just me.

I think that way a lot lately.  "Just me" is what I now end a lot of my conversations with.

A little scary at times to think about it, but, on the other hand, I am ready.

2015

2015.  Time is going by so fast.  Some New Years Eve for me.  I went to bed at 9:30.  It just doesn't mean that much to me anymore.

I woke up around 2 AM, laid there and started thinking.  I should not think that deep, even in the early morning hours.  This feeling has come over me.  As I mentioned before, the Dr's told me 3-5 years.  Time is up.  I know it now.  I feel it now.  I dread it now.

Yesterday morning, one of the head nurses came by to do their home visit update.  Our regular nurse had just left.  She started talking to husband.  Of course, his response was hard even for me to understand.  When she was done, she gave me that look, shook her head and asked me if I had completed the paperwork for his DNR.  I told her I had and she said, "Good.  You will need that."

Husband looks forward to the nurse coming though.  She is a great person and relates to husband.  We have come to love her.  When husband does something out of the ordinary, she will make light of it and just continue with her care for him.

She did, however, tell me yesterday that she has noticed a big change in him.  She said that he cannot understand her when she will ask him to lift a leg into the bathtub or, hold arms up so she can put a clean shirt on him.  Any directions, he just can't grasp it anymore.

His eyesight is really bad as well.  When you talk to him, he does what a blind person does.  He will look in the direction of your voice, but, does not look directly at you.  Usually, he looks over the top of my head, towards the ceiling.  It's disturbing for me to look at him.

Dr A in Albuquerque told me the optical part of the brain was involved and he would continue to lose his eyesight.  When we moved here to Colorado and saw his new Neurologist in Denver, Dr F, he agreed.

Now, it has come to pass.  Husband is going blind. 

Husband doesn't talk much anymore, but, when he does, it's garbled, making no sense. 

The other morning, he called me into the bedroom.  I went in and there was standing next to his bed.  He said, "What do you think, 16 or 17?"  I, being used to this by now, said, "16 will be fine."

I had to chuckle at that one. 

So, here's to 2015.  I will hold on tight.