937 Questions

Monday morning. Pretty cool this morning. I can hear husband rustling around in the bedroom. He must be up. That means I will be interrupted 937 times before I finish this post with questions of the day. These questions will be repeated over and over. Welcome to my world.

Since husband has been taking the mood stabilizer, there has been a big change in him. He has seemed less agitated, takes things in stride and if he forgets, he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "I forgot". I have noticed also, since he has been on this med, MY stress level has gone way down. So, kudos to mood stabilizers!! Yay.

As I was making his dinner yesterday, he came into the kitchen, and with sincerity in his voice, thanked me for making it special for him. Now, if you knew husband before this disease struck, that wouldn't of happened. Not that he wasn't sincere before, but, he was the macho guy. He was the big chief on job sites. He was someone Jack looked up to. Not this person now, this man who can't think for himself anymore, can't walk anymore. But, he's still husband to me, just in different form.

Sometimes when he is talking to me, stubling over even the easy words, I get a catch in my chest. I always go back to when we first started dating. What a big strong guy he was. Everyone loved him. I remember the summer we started dating and how he took me to the state fair. As crowded as it was, so many big names in the construction field would stop us, knowing husband. I remember how proud I was to be with him.

Some time ago, we saw one of these people. The look in their eyes when they recognized him. They looked at me as if to say, "What? Why?" We also saw one of his good friends back in the day. Some friend, he looked uncomfortable around husband, couldn't get away fast enough. I felt bad for husband. Promised he would call, never has. It's been 6 months or so.

Don't be afraid to be around him, I say. You can't "catch" what he has. He's not a leper. He's not dirty. I feel sad for husband. I wonder if he ever thinks about his "friends" from back in the day. Even his closest friend. He's a cop. He lives a few blocks from us. His mother passed a few months ago, she lived down the street from husband's dad. Visits husband dad. Always asks about husband. Always promises to call husband and take him fishing.

When husband is gone, I wonder, will they feel guilty? Will they come to me and say, "I shouldn've visited him more?" Please don't say that. You all had your chance. Plenty of chances.

I am takkng husband fishing in the next week or so. Oh, how he loves to fish. I will take him to the Jemez Mountains. Let him fish in the streams. Before the snow hits up there. Want to see the changing of the leaves. I will sit on the bank of the stream, watch husband fish. I will remember back in the day when we used to fish together. I can't anymore, have to keep an eye on husband. Always watching him, like a child. Making sure he doesn't fall into the water. I will close my eyes for just a second, and think back to the days when Jack was little. Jack would be right by his daddy's side, watching him fish, asking 937 questions. And husband, being ever so patient and ever so kind, would say to his child, "Watch daddy Jack, watch daddy".