Hospice & a movie

Ever since husband was diagnosed, I have been challenging myself. Not that this disease is challenging enough, but, I have decided to do more for me as well. I need it, otherwise, I feel as if I could loose my mind too.

I took myself to the movies yesterday. A lot of you may think no big deal. But baby steps for me. I so enjoyed sitting there, alone, watching a great movie. At first I felt awkward, funny how God works. There were several women who were alone there. I never noticed other people alone before, but, yesterday, God let me see that. As I was driving home, I felt fresher, the weather was wonderful. Then I came home.

Husband was a lttle pouty, started to rev up in a tamtrum. I sat him down, told him that I had a wonderful afternoon, that his behavior was not going to ruin my day. "Behave yourself", I said (rather firmly). He did. The rest of the night was quiet, husband a little out of sorts, but, behave he did. Husband, who has never liked going to the movies, said, "I'd like to go to the movies with you too". Uh, no. The whole idea of me going was to treat myself, to get away from him. I have to have some sort of outlet. Of course, I did not tell him these things, just nodded my head and said, "we'll see". That seemed to satisfy him.

Along with husband loosing the ability to do anything for himself, there is also a very selfish side of him coming out. It is hard to deal with. In my opinion, I think it's one of the hardest, on me. I can clean up after him, deal with answering the same question over & over, watching him like a hawk, picking him up after a fall, preparing myself for anything. But this selfishness is something that gets to me everytime.

In my support group, there are several men and women who have already lost their partners. They have been to battle, some had placed their loved one in a nursing facility. One might think this is cruel, but, after getting to know them, and going through this myself it makes sense. If you can afford it. By the time they are placed, they don't know anything anyways. I, on the other hand, will have to deal with this myself. He made me promise, on diagnosis day, that I would never put him in a home. Of course, he won't remember that, but I do. I think it may be harder on me. The guilt plus the guilty need to see him everyday, well, may drain me out. I will care for him at home.

It's almost time for Hospice, I know that. I will do some calling today. At the very least, have them on stand-by. They can be very helpful. Just the word, Hospice, sounds so, final. But it's what I need to do, now, today. Once again, I didn't sign up for this, God signed me up. He knows I can do it, I just need to open my mind and let it go.

So, a step in the right direction today. Today, I will reflect on my wonderful date with myself yesterday and deal with the here and now by calling Hospice. Ugh.