What can I say? This has been one heck of a week. Husband has continued to decline. His mood swings have been very hard to adjust to. You just don't know from one minute to the next what's going on with him.
Kristen went camping with her friend and friend's family. When they go camping, they go all out. So, husband asked her yesterday morning what were they sleeping in. She said tents. So, husband goes into garage to look for his tent. I know he was thinking I secretly gave it to Kristen to use. Comes back in the house and declares that someone has stolen his tent. I tell him it is in the spare bedroom closet. He tells me no, he "Put it right there on that shelf". Kristen goes to the closet, pulls the tent out, still in the box. I take it to husband as he's back in the garage. Explain to him that the camping equipment we have is in the spare closet. Does not register with him at all. He just didn't want Kristen to take it.
He told me yesterday for the thousandth time that I will be so happy when he's dead. Said I would probably dance on his grave, again. Those few words hurt more than I can say. I know it's the disease talking, but it still hurts all the same. I tell the kids when he "acts up" that it is the disease talking, to not take anything he says personally. But, when he says those words to me, I react the same way the kids do.
There are days like yesterday, I want to chuck it all and go away. I don't want to be around him. Today, I will clean house, trying to avoid him if possible. Today, he is talking as if it didn't happen at all. He doesn't remember what he said or did yesterday.
I don't know if I'm going to make it through to the end. I thought last night about when he's gone. Will I ever be happy again? Will I stop having the jitters? Will I be releived when he's gone? Will I ever feel "normal" again? What if, I think, I will be crazy when this is all over? This can go on for quite some time. Who knows?
I keep imagining Kristen camping. Waking up to the smell of the mountains, camp fires, coffee brewing on the camp stove, no plans for the day, relaxing, probably some fishing, looking forward to the camp fires at night, the quiet.
Today, I will think about what fun everyone is having this holiday weekend. I may even feel a little sorry for myself too. I earned it, I'll say. Done (still doing) my time. I didn't sign up for this.
Tomorrow will be another day. I'll pick myself up, brush myself off, and be fine. It's just today will be devoted to ME, what a lousy life I have now, what a cruel hand we've been dealt. After all, I've earned it.
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