Battle Scars

Because I was working all last week, I didn't have too much time with husband.  Until this weekend.

There has been a drastic change in him.  His head bobs, "the look" of course, is there, and he shakes.  A lot. I have had a hard time understanding him speak.  Memory?  What memory?

Wow.  What a difference.

I don't know if I mentioned it here, but, a few weeks ago, I went to a Psychologist.  I wanted him to tell me I was normal.  Not only did he tell me I'm normal, he also diagnosed me as clinically depressed.  Ya think?

My Dr does not feel comfortable in giving me anything for this depression.  I really don't want to take anything anyways.

I just want this depression go away.  It's an awful feeling.  I get up in the morning and it's like a dark cloud looming above me.

When I worked last week, the depression vanished.  I felt so good.

This morning, I applied at several places.  The fire has been lit on me.  I really want to work.  Actually, I have to work.  No two ways about it.  I cannot afford to be at home anymore.  Something I realized last week.

I will have to have a nurse come in daily, if I do find employment.  Yeah, we're at that point.

My husband is gone, I have no partner.  It's just me now.  He is just a body living in my home.  I have to start thinking of me now.  I have to start taking care of me now.  There is nothing I can do for husband anymore.  Make his days comfortable, give him his meds, feed him and wait.  That's it.  I cannot do any thing more for him.

There are no future plans for us anymore, as there is no more "us".

Today, I am going to start a whole new chapter in my life.  My last child is leaving next week,  my husband is dying, but, I'm still alive.  I'm still here.  Still kicking and fighting.

I'll be fine, I know.  No worse for the wear.

But, the battle scars that will remain with me until my dying day will be deep.  This ache inside of me, loosing my husband to this horrible disease?

No, I'll never get over that one.