Joy

"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness".  Hebrews 12:11

Wow, that hit me as I read that passage this morning.

My joy will come.  

Husband has had trouble the last few days.  Is getting quieter, it seems to me.  Wants to either stare at the ceiling or sleep.  When I do take him out, he tires easily.  Says his legs ache or his back hurts.  It's a job taking him out.  Lifting that wheelchair in and out of the car can be difficult at times, for me.

He is also becoming very pale looking.  He used to have this beautiful olive skin color.  His skin is ashen looking now.  Funny, my MIL mentioned about him looking pale last weekend, and, now, I see it.

His hair is turning more gray too.  And thin.  His face is not what it used to be.  It's as if he's aged 20 years in the last 2 years.

His eyes no longer sparkle when he laughs ( a rare occasion).

I was thinking yesterday.  Since diagnosis, as I've mentioned before, the "friends" we thought were friends do not come around, do not call, it's as if we are strangers nowadays.  Maybe, just maybe, it's for the best.

Looking at husband is not a pretty sight.  His head bobs, his eyes are blank, his arms tremor, his legs dangle.

Yes, it's probably best if no one sees him anymore.  It is painful to see him.

One day, I will cook chicken.  He will tell me he does not like chicken.  The next day he will ask for chicken, telling me I haven't cooked it in so long.  One day he will ask me to cook something for him, then, when I cook it, he says he does not like it.

Actually, just as I typed this it surprised me that I take it so lightly.  I just do what he asks me to do.  If he refuses to eat it, then it goes in the fridge, waiting for him to "remember" that he actually does like it.

Ah, Alzheimer's.  You little devil you.  You've struck my husband down in the prime of his life, you have destroyed his mind and body, you have taken me to the depths of hell and you have tried to destroy me as well.

But, as the passage tells me today, " my joy will come."