"Going there"

So, life continues to go on.  Despite the fact that my son has left for the Air Force, despite the fact I am now childless and despite the fact that my husband is dying.  Life continues.  Or, lack thereof, for husband.

He is so confused.  It's been coming on slowly.  I noticed it last week, but saw firsthand yesterday just how much he has lost.

He just can't function anymore.  He is helpless.  He repeats himself constantly.  If we see a neighbor out and about, he will greet them with a "Boy, the weather sure has turned nice."  If said neighbor asks him a question, he will nod his head (my interpretation of he doesn't understand what you are saying) and repeat what he said about he weather.  People who don't know what is wrong with him will look at him, then at me, back to husband and shy away from him.  I know what they're thinking.  He talks like he's drunk, so, they must think he's been having a few too many.  It's so sad to watch.

If I could educate people on Alzheimer's, I would tell them first off, look at his eyes.  Those eyes.  I've said it before, I'll say it again.  They haunt me.  You'll know something is wrong mentally if you really look into his eyes.

I'm trying not to get so down, but, I feel myself "going there".

If only I could find a job.  I pray for a job daily.  I have to go back to work.  We need the money.  Home Health Care will care for husband 6 hours per day, 5 days per week.  I got it all figured out.  All is needed at this point is a job.

I am getting angry.  Angry at my situation and lack of a job.  Where are you, Lord?  I cry out.  Has He forsaken me?  Why?  Then, I ask for forgiveness for feeling this way.   I know these feelings are normal, but, I don't like getting angry.  I fight it daily when the phone doesn't ring from a potential employer and when I see husband wandering the house, confused.  I feel it welling up in my chest.  I fight hard to keep it down.

Then I come here and it all comes out.  This is like my best friend.  My heart opens up and my fingers start typing.  The fears, the frustration, the anger, the heartbreak, the sheer audacity of it all, it's here on my blog.

One day, it will all be over.  Husband will be gone.  He will finally be at peace.  He will be in Heaven.  That I know.  I will be left to pick up the pieces of my life.  To start a new life.  Alone.

Today, I have a question for myself.  It's one of those days.

Where do I go from here?