Choices

Days seem to be flying by.  The weather has turned cool and September is half over.  What?  The holidays are coming up.  I don't dread them like last year.  Not looking forward to them, but, let's just get it over with.

Husband continues to be in a constant state of confusion.  There is a glimpse of reality, then, he slips back into his own world.  I am so used to him being this way, when he does come around, it catches me off guard.

He spent the day with his dad yesterday.  Father in law took him out to lunch.  They had a good time.  Husband was in good spirits.

I, on the other hand, enjoyed being alone.  I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies.   It felt like I could breathe again.

There are days that I feel as if I'm suffocating.  From this disease, from husband.  When he is gone, the very air in this house seems to lift.  It may sound awful to some, but, that's the way it is around here.

I am in the process of finding myself.  It's challenging at times.  I find myself arguing with myself.  I find myself feeling selfish.  I oftentimes feel guilty.  The very idea of taking care of me is thrilling, yet, scary at times.

I don't know what it's like to care for me.  I have been taking care of children for so long, and now, husband with this deadly disease, that I forgot me along the way.  I got left behind.  Well, now it's my time.  

Some may say I am being cold and heartless.  Trust me, 2 years ago, I would've thought the same.  But, when you are faced with the impending death of your spouse, knowing there is nothing that can be done, you either crawl in a hole and die, or, save your own life.

I choose to save me.