As I look outside my living room window, I see the dead leaves on the trees, the leaves that were once a beautiful green, then turning to orange, then yellow and eventually brown. Most of the leaves fell and blew away. There are still some on the trees, brown as they may be, but they are there. They are dead, reminding me each and everyday as I open my drapes.
Those leaves have come to mean something to me this year. You see, my husband is dying. He was once like the green leaves, but his color is now yellow.
Familial Frontal Lobe Dementia. That's the name of this horrible disease. Everyday he loses something. He can only walk with the assist of a cane now. He forgets even the simple things like, where the silverware is kept, where the light switches are, what day it is, or where our son is. He is becoming more dependent one than ever before. He knows he will die, he knows where he going to buried and he knows he has about 1 year left.
He inherited this monster from his mother's side of the family. She, along with her 2 brothers and father as well died from this. All died by their 47th birthday. He'll be 46 in May.
He has started to hallucinate too. About 4 am this morning, he was laughing his head off. That was strange.
My life has always been hard, my adult life that is, so this situation comes as no surprise.
I suspected he had it 2 years ago but had a hard time accepting it. I did my grieving 2 years ago and live my life according to this disease. I have good days and I have bad days. When the bad days hit, it's awful. On good days, I cherish. I have had a few bad days, with yesterday being the worse. Today is, well just today.
I have had to quit my job in order to be home with him. I don't regret quitting my job, just miss the additional income. It's hard living on Disability and making the money last all month. There are times like today that there is no money left.
I will be eligible for Widows Benefits when he passes. It's not alot of money, but I plan on renting an apartment, hopefully one that will afford me to be able to make it.
So, there you have it. My life so far. This journey is going to take me to the depths of hell, but I know I will survive; I have to. There will be light and funny posts and there will be dark posts as I go through this. Please bear with me as I bare my soul with you.