Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I'm OK, You're OK

December is almost here.  And Christmas.  Two weeks after Christmas, we move.  I look around this house and think about what's involved in this move and I want to curl up in bed and wake up two months from now.

Husband told me he would do all the work.  Purely delusional.  When he offers to help me with anything, I have to be careful how I respond.  I have learned to not say, "You can't do anything."  Even though he can't do anything.  So, I give him a sit down job and soon, he forgets he even offered in the first place.  Another perk of this disease.

I think I'm going to try and sell the washer/dryer on Craig's list this weekend.  I have never done Craig's List, but, if it gets them sold I'll do it.  There is a huge, clean laundromat a short 1/2 block away, so, that won't be too much for me to handle.  Besides, with Jack gone, I am now down to only 4 loads each week.

I have decided to not have a garage sale.  It's December, people are not going to be out much at garage sales.  Besides, it's cold outside.  With the exception of my major appliances and a queen bed, the rest will be donated.  Get it out, less for me to move.

It's going to be a change for sure.  Being so far from the familiar.  I like the idea of mountain views, only, during snowstorms, that part of the city gets slammed with snow and ice.  Oh well, make sure we have plenty of food and wait for it all to thaw.

So much to do, so much on my mind.

I still can't shake this sadness, however, I try each day to work through it.  It's seems to be a part of my daily.  I think part of it is my grief.  There are times a little anger will slip in here and there.  I read somewhere that it's healthy to feel sadness and anger.

Because my life is not normal anymore, it's comforting to read that the feelings I have sometimes are normal.  Sort of reassurance that I'm OK.

Believe me, on bad days, I really wonder about me.  How can anyone go through this and come out OK?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Keeping the Faith

Hard day yesterday.  Husband wanted to go for a walk in his scooter chair.  I let him go alone.  He was gone for about 1 1/2 hours.  I got worried, and found him at the park talking to our groundskeeper and one of our neighbors.  I talked with our groundskeeper and he told me that husband can come out anytime he wants, Robert (groundskeeper) is always there and said he would look out for husband.  Nice man.

When I saw husband talking, it kind of warmed my heart.  There he was, in his chair, talking with such animation.  He was in his element.  I couldn't hear what he was saying, but, it looked to me as if he was enjoying himself.  I asked Robert what they were talking about, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I can't keep up with him.  He goes from one subject to another."  But, both men listened to him, acting like nothing is wrong with husband, amusing him.  Husband seemed in better spirits in the afternoon.

My morning was stressful with husband.  He was going in and out of reality, telling me that he wanted to move right away, asking me impossible questions about our new apartment, getting frustrated when I didn't have the answers, attempting to walk without his wheelchair, getting angry at me when I told him to get in his chair.  I was ready for "The Cocktail Hour" by 10:00 AM.  Whew.

Ever since his fall in early October, he still cannot lift his right arm up past his chest.  We see Dr A next week.  I will ask him to check it out.

This past week, God has been tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me He is still there, watching over us.  I have cried out to God several days in a row, and He's still there.  It's these little reminders from Him that keeps me going.  It's been hard for me to keep my faith when husband does what he does.  And then, out of the blue, He taps me on the shoulder.  He tells me it's going to be OK.  No, my husband is going to die, but, God is ever faithful, letting me know that He wants husband with Him.

I have to be OK with that.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Survivor Mode

It's been a busy few days.  I had to make another decision.  Hasn't been easy, considering the work involved, but, after being sick and having time to really look at my finances, I made a decision to give up this house and move into a small 1 bedroom apartment.  Yes, we will be moving, again.

The thought of moving makes me want to cringe, but, it's in our best interest, not only easier for me to clean, but financially, well, it makes so much sense.  Kind of like, "well, slap me up side of my face", kind of sense. The amount of money saved will enable me to actually buy food and not have to scrimp in that department.

I found an apartment on the other side of the city.  Quite a commute, but, it's in the foothills, beautiful grounds, quiet community and close to shopping.  The grounds feature a huge pond with ducks, turtles and fish.  In the middle of this pond is a water feature.  My new living room window looks out on that pond and water feature along with a stunning mountain view.  Marie lives up in that area, so, she is thrilled we will be close.

We will be moving January 10th.  I have to give my notice here and I am not looking forward to that.  My landlord is a great guy, but, he knows my struggle.  I have never not paid my rent, but, he knows of husband's condition and is a really nice man.  Just hope he can be understanding.

The apartment is small, but the amount of closets and cupboards is good.  I am going to sell all my major appliances and buy two recliners for the living room.  Talk about downsizing.  If I do that, the move will consist of our bedroom stuff, two recliners, two TV's, our clothes, some pictures, dishes and misc items.  Done.

Last night, after husband fell asleep, I started doing the math.  Once I was done, I got excited.  I will actually be able to shop at Trader Joe's again.  Buy food as we need it, not like now, when I have the money.  I won't have a ton of money, but, it will be enough to survive.  Not like it is now.  I am so tired of being financially drowning in bills.  Not being able to buy a whole lot of food.  I have a constant stomach ache.  Stress.  No more.

So, after living here for only 9 months, here we go again.  Only this time I'm only moving 1/3 of the stuff I have.  Can you say, Garage Sale?  Hello.

I hate having to make all the decisions.  I don't have a husband that can offer me advice.  He just nods his head, agrees with whatever I say and closes his eyes.  It's all up to me.  I hate making these grown up decisions alone.  But, hey, someone has to do it.

Right now, all I'm concerned with is taking care of us.  I have no one to lean on.  It's all me.  I'm also in a new place in my life.

It's called, Survival Mode!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Post Thanksgiving

Well, thanksgiving was nice.  Different, but, nice.

Tyler & Susie cooked a delicious dinner.  Susie's mom, sister and brother came as well.  I enjoy her little sister.  She is so cute and funny.  Her little brother is mildly Autistic, but, has come out of his shell somewhat and communicates with others better.  Her mom?  While she is sweet, she is rather strange and a little odd.  But, I did enjoy our special dinner.  Like I say, it was nice, but, different.

Jack called Thanksgiving morning.  He was lonely and missing his family.  He told me that he felt homesick for us, that it didn't really feel like Thanksgiving at all.  Then he said, "I really miss you mom."  That almost did me in, but, I played it out well.  Once we got off the phone, I felt so very sad.  Sad for a lot of reasons, but, sad just the same.

I asked him if he wanted to talk to his dad.  He hesitated, then said, "Not really.  Mom, he doesn't understand anything I say anymore.  I don't like talking to him.  And that makes me sad, that I don't even want to talk to my dad."  I sat there for a minute and thought back to Thanksgivings past.  How it had come to this.  My son now doesn't want to talk to his dad anymore, because his dad can't communicate well anymore.  What a crappy feeling.

Husband has been OK.  Fades in and out of reality, but attitude has been OK.  No anger issues to speak of.  A lot of confusion.  Asks me throughout the day what day it is, what time it is, what's the date, when is Christmas, when are we going someplace, and on and on.  I answer many times the same questions.  By evening, I am tired of the questions.  I always breathe a sigh of relief when I know he has fallen asleep.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I said to myself, "One holiday down, one to go.  Bring it on."  Hurry Christmas, come and go.

I used to love the holidays.  Smelling the good food cooking, looking at my children's excited faces at the wonder that is Christmas, family gatherings.  Now?  The children are grown, my husband is dying, and the delicious food cooking?  Not so much.

We see Dr A in two weeks.  There, I will arrange for Home Health Care to come in and see about husband.  I will get some freedom and a break from the daily grind that has become my life.  I sure need it.  I know Dr
A will see a change in husband.  Maybe then he can tell me how much longer.   You just never know with Alzheimer's.  Especially his type of Alzheimer's.

Today we are going to a birthday party.  We are actually getting out of the house.  It'll be fun.  I certainly am looking forward to it.  Husband is too, in his own confused way.  He has probably forgotten we are going.  I have to remind him again.   He'll look at me when I tell him and most likely will say, "Oh, really?  I didn't know we were going.  You didn't tell me about the party."

I will sigh, and say, "Oh, maybe I forgot to tell you."  He will nod his head and agree that I did indeed forget to tell him.

Yep, it's like that here.  Day in.  Day out.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  I hope your day is filled with the wonder of the many blessings He has bestowed upon you.

I made a decision to have a blessed day.  I am looking forward to being together this afternoon with Tyler & Susie.  Eating all the good food they will be preparing with love.  They stopped by yesterday to get a roasting pan.  You could see in Tyler's eyes how much he wanted to do this.

I am missing Jack today.  Our first ever without him.  He's my youngest, my baby.  At least we can talk on the phone when we want now.

I kept thinking to last Thanksgiving.  I really thought it would be husband's last.  Well, here we are, he's still here.  Even though he's not in the here and now pretty much, he's still physically here, so, I have to be thankful for that.

I am thankful for my children.  Oh, how I love them.

I am thankful that my mother is still here.  My brothers and sisters.

Yes, even though my life has become one sad situation after another, I dug deep and found some thankfulness.

So, today, I am thankful.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


My little dog woke me up early today.  Earlier than usual that is.  He had to go potty.  So, I've been up for over an hour now.  It's so quiet in the house.  My dog is back asleep.  I'm wide awake now, thanks alot doggie.

A very quiet day yesterday.  Husband has been so-so.  Some minutes are better than others.  Yes, you heard me.  Minutes.  He can be "with it" one minute, then, the next minute, will go into his own world.  Next thing you know, he's back, knowing where he is and what he was doing.  I am easing into this phase, going with the flow.

I'm still sad, but, Jack called last night, so, that made me feel brighter.  He called on Sunday, giving me his new cell number.  I was so glad to hear from him.  He sounded lonely, but, we had a great talk.  He also got sick, sounds awful with a cold.  I told him to see a Dr, but he said he would be fine.  He went from San Antonio where it is balmy, to Wichita Falls, TX, where it is cold.

He said he really likes Sheppard AFB.  Said it is more like college than anything else.  Well, he's comparing it to Basic Training, anything is better than basic in my book.  Jack said the food is really good too.  He has a roommate, but, because this roommate has been there longer, he has more freedom than Jack at this point.  One of his good buddies from basic is there as well, just not in his squadron.  They are planning on doing something for Thanksgiving.  Jack starts his classes on Monday.

Other than that, not much else to post about.  There isn't much to do around here.  House is clean, no laundry to speak of.  No preparing a big turkey for tomorrow.  No baking.

Tomorrow we will have a nice dinner at Tyler's.  It will be different, but, nice just the same.  Tyler is coming today to borrow some pans for the big dinner.  Those two.  So cute.  He said yesterday, "Mom, we don't have the kind of pans for cooking all this food.  Can we borrow your roasting pans and baking dishes?"  I did have a laugh over that.

While my heart isn't exactly overflowing today, it is better than yesterday.  I will take husband tomorrow and we will have a delicious dinner, be with family and I'll try to find something to be thankful for.  You know what?  With my acting skills, I betcha I will find something to be thankful for.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Snap out of it!!

I am so sorry for the delay.  Getting over this whatever I've had has been hard.  I'm also very sad.  I can't pinpoint on why, just am.

Traveling with husband was hard.  Because I am with him 24/7, I don't realize how far he has gone down until someone else points it out, or, when traveling, people will talk to him and he has no idea what they are saying.

After having such a wonderful time in San Antonio, I came home to stark reality.  Could be where all this sadness is coming from.

I did some grocery shopping on Friday.  People were shopping for their holiday dinner, laughing, filling their carts up with delicious food, listening to them plan on who was cooking what.  I looked at my cart, a pitiful amount of food, with no trace of any holiday food.  And it made me want to run out of the store.

Tyler is cooking us Thanksgiving dinner.  He and Susie are excited to have us over in their new home, for a special dinner.  I have to force myself to act excited about it all.  I don't want to disappoint him or Susie.

Bear with me as I work through this.

I am frustrated also with my computer.  I downloaded the pics from Jack's graduation, but, for some reason, they will not post here.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I want to share with you all, maybe Tyler knows something I don't.  Frustrating!!

Here's hoping I can get through this holiday with some sort of gladness in my heart.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Air Force Graduation Part 2

Am feeling a little better this morning.  Not quite up there, but, feeling better.  Now, Part 2.

While we were waiting for the Coin Ceremony to begin, there, in the handicap section was a couple with a handicapped child.  His name was Brandon.  He looked to be about 12-13 yrs old.  You could tell he was severely handicapped as he was in a special stroller.  His dad told me he was epileptic along with other special needs.  They didn't go into it, I didn't ask.  He was excited to see his big brother that day.  When big brother had left for basic training, the airport allowed Brandon to go to the gate and watch his brother's plane take off.

As I watched this mother and father dote on their child, it touched my heart so.  The mother would lay her cheek next to her child's cheek.  Oh, you could see the love she had for her child.  Every once in awhile, I would look over at husband.  He would be looking around, somewhat confused as to what was going on, and, knowing all he wanted to do was see Jack.  I got a lump in my throat, thinking how excited he too was, only to see his son.

Once we were reunited with Jack, we were told the Airmen had base liberty until 7 PM.  We had the whole day to spend with Jack.

A few hours later, I was sitting outside one of the BX's, while Jack took his dad inside the BX.  There were so many families walking with their Airmen, mother's, father's, sisters, brothers, wives and children.  And who did I see?  Big brother pushing Brandon's stroller.  The look on big brother's face told me just how much he loved his little brother.  Brandon was wide awake, looking around, with a glow.  He had his big brother back.  Mom and dad looked so proud of both of their boys.  They were a family united.  Oh, how that touched my heart.  Tears ran down my face as I watched them.  What love.  What devotion to one another.

Now, the Jack I knew used to complain he had to throw the trash out.  It meant involving him walking.  Add a dose of Air Force Basic Training and the boy has been transformed.  He walks everywhere now.  Just about killed me off the first day.  Because I didn't rent a car, I knew we would have to depend on public transportation and our shuttle guy.  Also, that first day Jack was not allowed to leave the base.

We walked, and walked and walked.  Finally, I sat down and said, "Ok, I have to sit down."  Jack said, "Mom, come on, you see that big bridge over there?"  I looked, about 3 blocks away was one of the big overpasses on the base, a big bridge.  I said, "Yes, I see it."  "Well, we are going to go over that."  I looked at him and with a firm set of my jaw, said, "Oh no we aren't."  He started laughing, saying I couldn't handle it.  I agreed with him, told him wouldn't it be nice to sit awhile?  So, we compromised.  He took his dad to the mini-mall and I sat down and put my feet up.

What was really sweet of Jack was, once we were together, he told me he would push his dad.  Told me he was giving me a break for 3 whole days.  And, push he did.  He was tender with his dad.

Then it was time to leave.  On the shuttle the other families and I were talking about our day with our Airmen.  I told them how my son walks every where now, and we all laughed at the big changes in our Airmen.  We all had such a bond.  It was a special moment, all these strangers from all over the country, sharing this common bond.

Back at the hotel, husband took his shower, I took a hot, hot shower, we had dinner and relaxed.  Oh, my feet hurt, my back ached, but, I was happy.  We went to bed at 8:30!!

Next up, the Parade on Friday morning.  What a beautiful ceremony with all the Airmen dressed in the Blues.

Pictures are forthcoming, I promise.  Pat has to help me, I don't want to screw it up.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Air Force Graduation Part 1

Sorry for the delay.  I got sick Monday afternoon.  Really sick.  Am still in bed, hopefully I will be feeling better soon.  I think I caught the travel bug.  What a bug it is.

OK, we left last Wednesday morning and flew to Dallas.  Before we landed in Dallas, the flight attendant was announcing connecting gates for people continuing on.  She said we were going into terminal D, and our connecting gate was terminal C.  A lady on the plane heard me saying to husband that I hoped I could get us there in time.  This lady leaned over and told me not to worry, she would get us a driver for the handicapped who would take us to the next terminal.

This driver was hilarious.  He would honk his horn and in a real southern drawl, yell out, "Comin' through, comin' through, move."  Once we arrived at terminal C, I found out our plane was delayed by about 30 minutes.  I had a reservation for this shuttle service to take us from the airport in San Antonio to our hotel, so, I tried calling him to let him know our plane would be delayed a little.  No phone service.

Once we took off, 30 minutes late, I was worried, but, thought that if he came into the airport, he would see that our flight had been delayed.

The airline we flew on was American Airlines.  They were wonderful.  An attendant would wheel husband to the door of the plane, and husband would walk to his seat, with my assistance.  Once we would land, that would be the first thing waiting for us at the door again.

So, this attendant in San Antonio was so neat.  He was young, and wheeled us outside and stayed with us until our shuttle came.

Our shuttle driver was great, handling the wheelchair and all.  He took us straight to our hotel.  Our hotel was about 1/2 mile from the base.  In fact, you could see the base from the hotel.  I kept thinking, "Jack is right over there, somewhere."

I got us settled in our room and we had dinner delivered to us.

The next morning, we were up bright and early.  Our shuttle guy arrived.  There were a number of people waiting for the shuttle as well.  Guess this was the hotel to stay at, with it being so close to the base.  We rode the second trip in and arrived around 7 am.

Once I got familiar with the happenings, I took husband to the street where they were having the Airmen's Run.  It's a traditional thing, going back many years.  There were so many people lined up, but, because husband is in a wheelchair, we were able to sit up front.

Families had banners, congratulating their graduate, people wore T-shirts, with their Airmen's name on it.  Of course, I didn't do any of that, I didn't even know to do that.  Luckily, a lot of people around me didn't do that either.

The Airmen's Run started.  They ran down this street, chanting, each squadron a different color, turned around, and ran back down.  Once I figured out that the flag the head person was carrying was their actual squadron, I found Jack's, but, could not see him.

Next up was briefing.  When that was over, we went out to some bleachers for the Coin Ceremony.  That was really neat, as there were 3 young people who were becoming american citizens.  And then, the graduates started marching in.  I knew my son was somewhere, and as the announcer said each squadron, I knew which one Jack was in.  Try finding your child in a sea of young men.  They all looked alike to me.

I got tears in my eyes as the ceremony continued on.  Then, after the handing out of the Coins and the announcer saying they were no longer Trainees, but Airmen, we were allowed to go out to find him.  The Airmen had to stand at attention until a family member tapped him on the shoulder.  I could not find Jack.  I was getting frustrated, as they all looked so much alike.  Finally, I saw two Airmen talking and asked them if they could help me locate Jack.  I gave them his name, (they no longer go by their first names, I found out), and said, "Lucero?  He's right over there, Ma'am."

I turned and saw my son.  He was standing at attention, looking a little scared and sad.  So many Airmen had been tapped, and there he was, looking so alone.  I went up to him, tapped him, he turned around, his face, oh that face, just lit up.  He said, voice breaking, "Mom!!"

He grabbed me and hugged me so hard, my rib cage hurt.  He would not let go of me.  I said, "Did you think I wasn't coming?"  He said, "No, you said you were coming, but, yeah, I was getting worried waiting for you to tap me."  I looked at this child of mine and saw he had tears in his eyes.

Part Two coming tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay in pictures, I don't know how to get them on this blog.  Am trying to figure it out.      

Monday, November 12, 2012

Tears, Pride and cancelled flights!!

To say our trip to San Antonio was wonderful would be an understatement.  My son, an Airman now, made me cry.  How gentle and patient he was with his dad.  How he pushed husband around everywhere for 3 days, with not one complaint.  The look on his face when he saw the damage that's being done to husband in the last 8 1/2 weeks.  Our goodbye Saturday night was bittersweet.  I cried, Jack cried.  Husband was in his own world by then.  Lost.

How yesterday, flying out of San Antonio with mixed feelings.  How arriving in Dallas to catch our next plane to Albuquerque, only to find out our flight had been cancelled!!  So, there I was, with husband, who by this time was a complete mess, stranded in Dallas for 8 hours!  Oh, yes, that was fun.

We arrived home last night at 11:00 PM.  Needless to say, I am exhausted, and will post pics by this afternoon.

All in all, with being stranded in Dallas, with seeing my son graduate, experiencing difficulty with husband, it was well worth it.

As tired as I am this morning, my heart is full.

Monday, November 5, 2012


Not much going on.  Went to church yesterday morning, came home and that was about it.  Husband is OK.  Confused most of the time now, but, OK.  I've gotten used to him being constantly confused, so, to me,   it's just the way it is nowadays.

Taking husband to FIL's house this morning.  He wants to visit before we leave.

I usually call my mother every Sunday afternoon, but, she beat me to it yesterday.  She was surprised that I was taking husband with me to San Antonio.  I told her I had no other choice, besides,  I could never leave him home and go to Jack's graduation without him.  She understood, but said, "Oh, honey.  That's going to be so hard on you."  Uh, yeah, it will be, but, it's his son too.

I am trying to figure out how I am supposed to carry luggage and push a wheelchair at the airport.  I may have to get a Sky Cab.  Husband has trouble pushing himself in the wheelchair because of that bad fall he took some weeks ago.  His shoulder is still not right and causes him some pain when he tries.  I may place the luggage on his lap and push him.

All in all, it was not a great weekend, but, not a bad one either.  I was hoping Jack would call this weekend.  Hopefully he will call tonight.

I couldn't find husband last night.  Scared me.  I finally found him in Jack's old room, in the dark, with a flashlight, re-arranging his tools in there.  That was strange.  I convinced him to get back in bed, all the while he was protesting that he had to move things around.  Shook me up for awhile.

Day after tomorrow we leave.  Looking forward to seeing my son again.  Looking forward to getting away from here.

My only hope is that husband will be OK while we are gone.  I know he is looking forward to seeing Jack again too.  For husband and Jack's sake, I want this trip to be a happy one, filled with good memories.

I can hope, can't I?

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Duct tape for me?

Another quiet day yesterday.  I spent the day doing my usual housework, laundry and grocery shopping.  Husband sat on the couch for a long while.  He never does that.  He is always on the bed.  He asked me several times when we are leaving for San Antonio.  I had to tell him that it was Saturday and we were leaving on Wednesday.  When I thought that would suffice, he then proceeded to ask me what the date was and what the date was when we were leaving.

I got our reservations for the shuttle from the airport to the hotel yesterday too.  At first, this guy told me that if there were other people on the shuttle, and, because husband is in a wheelchair, we might have to wait at the airport for him to take other people to their hotels, then, come back and get us.  That didn't sit too well with me, after all, I was making a reservation.  Once I spoke my mind, he must have realized how stupid he sounded, then said that because I was the first one to make a reservation for Wednesday, then, we would be first for pick up and drop off.  Glad you see it my way mister.

I went on Google Earth to see where our Hotel is in reference to Lackland AFB.  Man, it's right down the street from us.  About a mile.  

I was reading the Schedule of Events for the ceremonies, and, it looks like we will have plenty of free time with Jack.  Thurs and Fri, at around 1:00 PM, he will be released to spend the rest of the day with us.  He will have to be back on base by 8:00 PM.  Saturday is totally free with us.  Sunday, we won't be able to see him as we fly back out at 11:55 AM.  He leaves for Sheppard AFB on Monday, the 12th.  That's where his Technical School is.  I think he'll be there for 12 - 16 weeks.

Today I plan on packing some stuff.  Been checking the weather there, not cold, but, not hot either.  Some rain in the forecast.  Of course, I opened my big mouth again and was telling husband what I was going to pack, and, of course, he started to argue with me about his clothes.  When, oh when am I ever going to learn I cannot reason with someone afflicted with Alzheimer's?  You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now, but, no.  I agreed with whatever he said, (I don't even know what he said.  I tuned him out) and will just pack the clothes and tape my big mouth shut.

That's a feat in itself.

Keeping my big mouth shut, that is!!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Quiet on the outside; Loud on the inside

It's been a quiet week.  Reminds me of an aftermath of the storm that was last week.  There has been a lot of reflecting, decisions and the reality of my situation.  For the past few days, I have been going back into the past.  Of the night husband and I met, of our dating, the butterflies I had when he would walk in the door, walking with my arm looped through his, our excitement of finding each other and, the plans we made together.

Fast forward to the here and now.  There are no butterflies.  I look at husband with pity now.  The struggle he has to walk and talk.  Once in awhile, I see fear in those once vibrant eyes.  We don't loop our arms together anymore.  He's in a wheelchair.  The excitement is gone, replaced with me making life and death decisions.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I'm not alone, only, at times, I feel so very alone.  There are other people going through this awful disease too.  While it doesn't make me feel any better about my situation, I'm not the only one who lives with this disease.

As they were taking husband to the hospital last week, one of the paramedics said, "My God, he's only 47." I heard that and it has echoed in my head for a week now.  I think that's what separates us from a lot of other folks.  Most of the men and women suffering from Alzheimer's are older.  They've lived a full life.

My husband won't live to see 50.  Now that's reality for you.

There is no real laughter in my house anymore.  Oh, there's a laugh here and there, but, not genuine laughter. And, if there is a laugh, husband looks around trying to figure out what that sound is.

Counting the days until we leave for San Antonio.  I've been checking the weather there.  Seems pretty mild. Warmer than here.  Wondering what kind of clothes to bring, so, I'll bring some warmer clothes and some cooler clothes.

Jack says he would like to eat Tex-Mex food.  Wants to experience it.  I don't know about Tex-Mex, as we are spoiled here in New Mexico with authentic Mexican food.  But, for him, we'll do it.  He says there are a lot of restaurants on base as well.  We will play it by ear and decide on the spot.

In a nutshell, it's been a quiet week.  God knows I needed it.  Only, the thoughts going on in my head won't stop.

It's quite loud in there.