Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Friday, September 27, 2013

Sorry for the lack in posts.  My charger for my laptop broke and I have been on a quest to get another one.  After two trips to Best Buy they still sold me the wrong one.  Going back tomorrow to get the right one. 

Today has not been a good day.

Wednesday at the new Dr was not good news.  To sum it all up, it was grim news.  Scary news.

As soon as I get the right charger and am able to charge this laptop, I will post all about what I found out in Denver.

Please be patient with me, this has not been a very good week at all.

Monday, September 23, 2013

I gotta a new attitude

Thank you for the comments.  And support in any decisions I may make.  I appreciate everyone of you who reads here.  After reading some of your comments it helped me. 

It's not the comments, or lack of comments, it's just that I feel as if this blog has become sort of depressing to me, and I felt as if people would read it and think, "Oh boy, here she goes again."

Unfortunately, this is not a fictional blog.  It's real. 

I have decided, for now, to keep this blog going. 

I thought long and hard about how to spice it up.  And, Debby, you gave me some great ideas.  Thank you.

The kids know of my feelings.  They support me 100%.  Only, we don't talk much about it.  Not much to talk about when they see husband struggling to talk, think and walk.  It's there, smack in their faces.  Some handle it better than the others.  Jack is the only one who does not handle it well.  This has damaged not only husband, but, the family as well.

I still want to publish this blog one day.  Or, write that book.  Writing a book is hard, as I've started one, only to not go back to it.  Husband's illness is time consuming and suffocating.  Hence, this blog.

So, for now, this blog shall remain open. 

We go on Wednesday to the new Dr up in Denver.  I will post with an update then.

For now, thank you to the readers who follow this journey with me.

I am playing with ideas on how to switch this blog up.  It will still be centered on husband, but with just a change on how I post and what you see.

Thank you again.  Hold my hand as I enter a new phase in my walk with Alzheimer's.


Saturday, September 21, 2013

Where do I go from here?

Ah, let's see, what is happening around here?  Nothing.  Days seem to run into each other.   Fall is upon us, the weather is turning cold.  It's getting quieter and quieter around this apartment complex.  People are beginning to stay indoors more.

And, I'm in a rut.  Something about blogging is not working for me anymore.  I am finding it harder and harder to blog.  I don't have much to say these days.  Other than, my husband is dying and I am caring for him.  Period.  That's it in a nut shell.

How many times can I say husband has once again declined?  How many more times can I "talk" about his hallucinations?   His memory, or lack thereof? 

This has been such an emotional journey for me.  Only, most people don't see it.  Even family members.  Sure, I've shed a few tears in front of family, but, for the most part, I've kept this all to myself. 

There are days that I don't think I'm going to make it through.  But, I keep that to myself.  There are days I dream of driving off into the sunset.  No one knows that one either.  (well, until now).  I think I've mentioned before that I sometimes imagine husband already gone, and I am here alone.  Actually, I really am here alone.  Being alone is not such a bad thing, except when you have a husband physically present, but mentally gone.  Now, that's a hard one.

Then, I have good days, when husband is present and it seems as close to normal as you can get.  I think that is the hardest part for me.  Knowing he's not normal anymore and this is just a little break from my stark realty.  When I say good days, it's good, sure, but, as I've said before, there's always the other side of me that sits and waits for it all to go away.  And, just like clockwork, it all goes away and I am left with nothing once again.

I used to come here and feel good about what I posted.  Now?  There's really not much more I can post about.  And, I'm sure most readers out there are looking for someone who  posts about their interesting lives.  Not this blog, where it's all doom and gloom. 

I started this blog as a daily journal, beginning a journey I never thought I'd travel.  Not me, no, it wouldn't happen to my husband.  And, here I am, traveling it.  Doing it.  Watching it.  Living it.

So, I've come to a fork in the road.  Do I continue this blog or, let it go.  I want to chronicle this journey, but, am I doing it for me?  Will I, one day, want to read this?  All of it?

I honestly don't know.

So, bear with me as I ponder this one. 


Thursday, September 19, 2013

A new Due Date?

Has Fall arrived here in Colorado?  I think so.  I woke up to a cold morning with the wind blowing.  Some of the tops of trees look a little yellow to me.  Could be. 

Uneventful day yesterday.  Husband has remained in his own world.  For the most part, he will just stare into space.  Once in awhile, he seems to come out of it and ask a question, the same question he had asked 15 minutes earlier.  I answer again, only to have him slip away and continue staring into space.

I was watching him yesterday, staring into space.  I was so intrigued by it.  I wondered what is going on in his head.  Does he hear voices?  Is it just a muddy mess in his brain?  Does he, in his mind, acknowledge that it is a jumbled mess?  When you see something like this,  it does make you wonder.

His eating habits are very messy.  He makes a mess at the table.  I wipe up food from his placemat and usually end up having to wash the placemat once a week.

As I said before, I just wish Alzheimer's would completely take over now.  Quit giving me these little reprieves from this disease.  I am so tired of this roller coaster.  For me, it's either all or nothing.  At this point, I'd rather have nothing, than to live this day to day, waiting for  the other shoe to drop.

I think I've finally reached the point to where enough is enough.

I have lived and breathed this disease for 3 1/2 years now.  I'm so over it all.  While I don't want husband to die, I don't want to see him suffer, struggling with the day to day effects of this disease.  It's heartbreaking to watch this. 

We see the new Neurologist in Denver next Wednesday.  I still have his MRI, done in June, on a CD Disk in my purse.  I wonder what this new Dr will see.  What will be his opinion?  Will he see what Dr A saw?  Will he give me a new "Death Date?"  I am looking forward to going, crazy as it sounds.

Until then, I will watch and wait.  It's all I have anymore.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Cruel Intentions

As I mentioned before,  I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Well, after days of anticipation, it happened.

Things had been going so well in the Alzheimer's department.  One could say it was almost normal around here.  Save for the walking issues, slurred speech and the wearing of the diapers, husband was acting decent.  A little grumpy here and there, but, not too bad.

All that changed yesterday.  In the afternoon.  Husband was using the bathroom (still obsessed with going to the bathroom) when he called me in there in a panic.  He told me someone had moved the handle to flush the toilet.  He was thrashing about while sitting on the toilet, shaking the shower curtain, looking for the handle.

I kept telling him the handle was right there, behind him.  He was having none of it.  During these episodes, nothing, and I mean, nothing, will make sense to him.   After about 10 minutes, I guided his hand to the back of the toilet where the handle was.  He seemed to come out of it, somewhat.  He told me that someone was tricking him, was it me who moved the handle?  Try as I might, he did not understand that the handle was not moved, it did not go anywhere and no one had moved it.  Not even me.

He went to sleep around 9 or so.  Around 5:30 this morning, I woke up to hear rattling, a loud unusual sound.  I sat up and there was husband clawing at the blinds and window.  I asked him what was the matter.  He turned to look at me and it was then and there that I realized he did not recognize me.  He didn't ask who I was, just stared at me, with a look of, "who are you?"

When he gets this way, all I can do is coax him back to bed, gently.  He was very quiet while I guided him back on his bed.  He looked so tired and scared.   Like a little boy.  I tucked him back in and got into my bed.

As I laid my head down I gave out a big sigh. 

It's been a nice reprieve, this last month or so.  We've laughed, gone on day trips, enjoyed our "getting to know Colorado".  We've had conversations, mostly with me doing the talking, but him being present for the most part.  We've sat at the dinner table, talking.  He's told me how delicious dinner was.  We've laughed at the dog and his cute little antics. 

Nice little break.  Nice while it lasted, that is.  Now, back to the business of watching Alzheimer's destroy my husband and our life.

I will cherish the last month.  I am sad today.  Sad for a lot of reasons, but, mainly for husband.  In a way, I wish Alzheimer's would completely claim him now.  Quit teasing me with these breaks in between.

How cruel, Alzheimer's.  How cruel.


Monday, September 16, 2013


Round two of the rains have arrived.  I don't think it's as bad as before, but, still, the rains are here.  Let's hope and pray everyone stays safe.

We've had a low key weekend. I took husband and dog with me to Tish's house yesterday to finish up my laundry.  In between loads (I had two) I went with her to the Commissary.  My, that place is huge.  And crowded.  I wasn't impressed with their prices, but, their meat department looked good.  Even Tish says their prices are not that great. 

While up at Tish's house, the rains hit.  I was anxious to get home.  Once we got home, I started a fire in the fireplace.  By dinner time, it was nice and warm in my apartment.

Since Saturday, husband has been so confused and angry.  I deal with it on a daily basis, but, for some reason, he has been in a foul mood for a few days now.  And, everything is my fault.

There are days I just deal with it.  Then, there are days that I feel I might go crazy dealing with it.  Yesterday was one of those days.

Before we left for Tish's house, as I was dressing husband, he did not want to wear the sweats I was putting on him.  He became agitated and said he wanted to wear his Khaki pants with his belt.  I told him that these were warmer and easier to put on (for me) and makes it much easier for when he has to go to the bathroom.  He was having none of it.  I finally told him to knock it off, he was wearing the sweats, like it or not.

From there on out, he was in a fowl mood.  Getting to the car was fun.  I had husband in his walker (I keep the wheel chair in the back of my car), slowly making his way to the car, my cart on wheels with dirty clothes, my purse, my cup of espresso, a plant I wanted to transplant and the dog.  Oh, my dog.  He was so happy and excited to be going bye bye, that he kept jerking his leash, making it difficult for me to handle everything.

Then, there was the loading of the car.  Once I got everything and everyone settled, I let out a big sigh and started the car.  Husband looked at me and said, "I don't know what you are complaining about,  It's just a little walker."

Oh my, I had visions of opening his door and kicking him out.  With his "little walker".  I said nothing.  A big step for me.  And a big Bravo to me as well.  I actually kept my mouth shut.  Of course, the teeth  grinding I did on the way to the base was something to observe.

Once we got into Tish's house (with her help), he said to Tish, "She's in a bad mood today and I don't know why." 

Tish, knowing her mama, steered husband away from me and changed the subject.

What a day.  Then, there was the fun of coming back home, this time with rain pouring, the dog just as excited to get back home, an empty espresso cup in my purse and a bigger, heavier pot with my plant.

Once I got back in the apartment, set everything and everyone down, I went to check on husband.  There he was, walking in the rain and not too pleased about it.  I said nothing.  Again, Bravo to me!!

As I started the fire, all husband said was, "That feels good."

Again.  I said nothing.


Saturday, September 14, 2013

The rain, the rain, my God, the rain!!

I think we are beginning to dry out.  Northern part of Colorado, not so lucky.  On the local news last night there was a lady looking for her 81 yr old dad.  He's still missing.  My heart hurt for her and the rest of the people still looking for family and friends.

Ah, Colorado, such a beautiful state, but, oh, how Mother Nature can turn.

I did go to Tish's house and do my laundry yesterday.  The roads were OK, soaking, saturated, but OK.  We made a quick trip to Target as it was time for me to get new PJ's.  As we drove there, we saw the creek beds and rivers that have been on the news.  They were still roaring and moving fast.  Scary.

I woke up to partially clear skies and very chilly.  The wood I bought for the fireplace is still on my patio, a little wet, but I may have a fire tonight.  Before the rains came, I had asked Tish to cover the wood with some heavy duty plastic I had.  Thankfully she did and the rains hit that night.

Husband has been confused about all this rain.  For some reason, he doesn't understand rain anymore.  He wanted to know all about it, asking me many questions about how the rain causes so much damage.  So, there I was, getting a little nervous on day 3 of constant rain, explaining rain to husband, all the while, looking out my living room windows thinking, "Stop already."

The big decline has not hit yet, but, I'm waiting.  A few little hallucinations here and there.  Mostly very early in the morning.  He has been very grouchy.  Snapping at me during the day.  I ignore it and go about my day. 

I was cooking dinner last night when husband called me into the bathroom.  When I went in there, he was sitting on the toilet, holding his wallet.  He asked me to count his money.  My first thought was,, "Why did you bring your wallet to the bathroom," but, then again, he has Alzheimer's, it's silly to ask him why.

I counted the money, and put it back in his wallet.  He seemed satisfied.  Told him dinner was almost ready and it was time for him to come up to the table.

Took dinner out of the oven and went to check on husband.  I found him in the same place, sitting on the toilet, his money spread out on his legs and sink.


Oh, Alzheimer's.  You have tested me beyond and continue to do so.  How I hate this.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Ms. Fix it

In answer to your question, the above picture of husband was not taken in Manitou Springs.  The picture was taken up in Chama, New Mexico on what was our last camping trip in 2010.  I sometimes look at it now and think, "I thought he was sick back then.  You should see him now."

The rain continues here in the great state of Colorado.  It just wont stop.  I got a little concerned, but, my upstairs neighbor told me we would be fine.  We are supposed to clear somewhat by this afternoon.  I hope so.  Man, I love me a good rain storm, but this is ridiculous.  Poor Manitou Springs.  It's only 20 minutes from here and I think they got flooded during the night.  Such a pretty area too.

Ft Carson got 13 inches of rain last night.  Yeah, it's that bad.  We are 1/4 of a mile from Gate 3, so, you can just imagine we got about the same.  Tish called me last night and said they had lost power as well.  We have not lost power.  So far.

Being that I do my laundry at her house on Friday's, I thought I was not going to be able to do it, but, their power has been restored, so, brave me (not) is going to drive up to her house in a little while.

Husband is holding steady.  Some hallucinations early this morning, but, for the most part, he's doing OK.  The decline is coming, just you wait and see.  I think that's the worst part.  The waiting.  Now that I know what to expect, that it's coming, well, that's the hard part.

Husband has been eating well.  He used to sleep during the day and busy himself in the bedroom.  Here, he stays in the living room with me and does not sleep at all during the day.  That can be bothersome at times, because, he asks questions all day long.  I try to answer in an upbeat tone, but, sometimes, after answering the same question over and over, there is a little edge to my voice.

Husband has all sorts of gadgets.  Now that the bedroom is finally put together, with all of his stuff finally finding a home, he has been taking his stuff out and spreading them on his bed, looking at them.  Not all at the same time, but, a few at a time.  That's all fine and dandy, keeps him out of my hair, but, what he does next would drive a crazy person insane.

He will bring something out and tell me it's broken, I need to get a box and mail it back to the company so they can fix it.  When I tell him it's not broken, he gets very upset.  The trouble is, he has forgotten how to use this gadget so, he thinks it's broken.  He gets emotional.  He may throw a temper tantrum.  He gets agitated. 

Take for instance, the other night.  Husband has this knife he bought a few years back.  It wasn't cheap, a very nice quality pocket knife.  He insisted that it was broken, would not close,  I needed to do something right now.  Being that it was night time here really wasn't anything I could do. 

The next morning when Tish came over, he showed her his "broken knife".  He looked so sad as he was telling her that his knife was broken.  Tish takes the knife, presses the button and lo and behold, the knife closes. 

Husband thinks Tish is a hero.  She can fix anything, he says. 

I wish she could fix anything.  I'd give her husband and say, "Here, it's broken, fix it."

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I wonder.....

I'm feeling much better today.  After I posted, I decided to let this anger run through me and to just deal with it.  By early afternoon, the anger was gone.  Whew, that was a rough one.

I called father in law.  We had a nice talk.  I actually enjoy our talks now.  He's really a wonderful man.  He told me his misses us a lot.  But, as he says, as long as husband is happy, that's all he cares about.

Speaking of husband, he is holding steady.   As I was bathing him yesterday morning, he said, "Isn't it funny?  "He" uses the same washcloth you are using right now," and giggled while he said it.  I was confused.  I said, "Who?"  He smiles real big and says, "The man."

So, "the man" is still here.  Now, I could've let this rattle me, but, being that "the man" has been with us for several months now, I let husband have his giggle time.

I said, "Well, does it bother you that "he" uses the same washcloth?"  Husband closed his eyes and said, "Nope."

So be it.  Leave that one alone.

Could it be that husband has a split personality now?  I wonder.  This disease is so strange.  Husband is following the pattern, but, at times, even the Dr's are perplexed at how his mind is working, or, not working.  He's a case study, that's for sure.

I believe Fall has officially arrived in Colorado.  Today is very cool, with rain expected the rest of the week.  I can't wait to look out my windows and see the leaves turning color.  They say that the Fall here is breathtaking.

Today, we will spend quietly.  I have no plans to go anywhere and want nothing better to do than relax.  It's been a whirlwind month. 

We go to Denver on the 25th of this month to the new Neurologist.  He heads the Neurological unit at the University of Colorado.  According to Dr A, he's one of the best.  I wonder what he will think of husband.  Will he, as Dr A did so many times, look at husband and scratch his head?

Or, will he say in a matter of fact way, "Well, ma'am, it's the nature of the beast".

I wonder.....

Monday, September 9, 2013

No shoes, today. Please

Well, our trip to Manitou Springs didn't go as well as I thought it would.

I can always tell when husband is in one of those moods.  Just by the way he holds his mouth.  So, we did go, but, he was not in a good place.  Plus, the dog wanted to bark at everyone and pull on his leash so hard, I thought my arm would come out of it's socket.

There was one store where the wheelchair would not fit in the aisles.  I wanted to see what was in the back part of the store and I told husband to wait up at the front, I'd be right back.  Of course he didn't listen.  He got stuck in one of the aisles and one of the clerks had to move stuff all around so we could get him out.

After two hours, I was so frustrated, all I wanted to do was just come home and have a pity party for myself.

Driving back down through the little village, I looked at all the people there, walking, darting in and out of shops, husband's holding hands with wives, children laughing, people sitting in the outdoor cafe's and dogs walking with their owners. 

Once we got home, I was helping husband along to our front door and noticed several people at the pool.  I saw kids playing, husband's BBQ'ing and wives sitting in lounge chairs.

I felt such anger swelling up inside of me.  Why can't my life be like that?  Why can't I have a normal life? 

Tish called and said they wanted to stop by.  I warned her ahead of time that I was in a foul mood, but, come at your own risk.   They did stop by and I handled it well.  I was just glad when they left because I wanted to continue my pity party.

This morning, at 5:30, I woke up and husband was not in his bed.  I found him in the bathroom, fiddling with stuff on the counter.  I finally convinced him to get back in bed.  He is not in a good place this morning.

I am still feeling anger.  I am mad at the whole world.  I don't want to feel this way.  I have had bad days in the past, but, this anger I am feeling is not good. 

I have to ride it out.  I will try to keep my mouth shut today and let this anger take it's course.  I suppose it's normal, but, I am very uncomfortable with this kind of anger.  I don't want to take it out on husband, it's not his fault he's sick.  Then, on the other hand, I look at husband and feel resentment welling up inside of me. 

I am waiting for the Home Health Nurse to start coming this week.  That will help.

Ah, life and it's many challenges. 

Today, I don't want to walk in my shoes. 

Maybe I should just go barefoot?

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Home, sweet Home?

I love to post early in the morning.  My head is fresh, my mind clear.  I remember the previous day's events.  Husband is usually asleep, making it easy for me to post before he wakes up and the questions begin.

Not so lucky this morning.  He got up as soon as I did.  I had to give him a haircut, bathe and shave.  Then, it was house cleaning.  I hung the rest of pictures, re-arranged a few things, dusted, vacuumed.  Boy, it looks nice in here. 

I really like this apartment.  It is so big and roomy.  Now, with pictures in the living room, it  looks like home to me.

I go to Tish's house on Friday's to do my laundry.  Last week, I took husband and the dog.  It was just too much.  Yesterday, I left them both at home.  I settled husband in the big chair, in front of the TV and told him he was not allowed to leave.   It's not bad leaving him anymore because he virtually cannot walk.  He said he would sit there until I came home.  I showed him how to answer the phone and left.

I was gone for about 3 hours and tried calling him.  No answer.  I got a little worried, but, the office know to be on the lookout for him when they see my car gone (we live across from the office).  Yes, they are that good.

Un-loaded the car fast, thinking I'll never forgive myself if something happened to husband.  Flew in the front door, and, there was husband, sitting in the same position he was when I left.  With a big grin, he said, "I did what you said.  I didn't move."  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry from relief. I told him I had tried calling a few times.  He looked confused.  He said he never heard the phone ring.  Frustrated, I took the phone and showed it to him.  Then, I looked at it closely.  My bargain $4.00 phone I got at the Goodwill 4 years ago, had finally gone out!!

When I told him the phone wasn't working, he smiled and said, "See, it's the phone's fault.  I was a good boy."

After putting clean clothes away, fresh sheets on both beds, I made a trip to Target where I got a brand new phone.  It actually rings now.  What a concept!!

I am taking husband to Manitou Springs tomorrow.  He is excited about that.  Keeps asking me when is tomorrow.  All we'll do is stroll the sidewalks, me with the dog, husband in his wheel chair.  It's so pretty up there, actually, I'm a little excited too.

Life is settling, I've noticed.  I've gotten a routine again.  I'm beginning to relax a little.  This weather here in Colorado is glorious. 

It's beginning to feel like home to me.  Finally.


Thursday, September 5, 2013

Deck the halls!!

Tish and I went to another Costco nearer my apartment yesterday.  It may have been closer, but, to get there, you had to take surface streets versus straight freeway to the other one.  I decided I will go the freeway route to the farthest one next time.

While we were driving back to my apartment, she asked me, "Do you see yourself staying here forever?"  Without hesitation, I said, "I do."   While I'm not "in love" with the Springs, it is growing on me and the more I venture out, the more I like it.  I certainly don't want to move anytime soon.  I'm still trying to recover from this one.

Husband has adjusted well.  I'm surprised.  He has his little moments when he slips into his own world, but, mood wise, he's been great.

He can't see well at all anymore.  Yesterday morning, I was attaching the leash on the dog.  Husband was to the side of me.  He started making clucking sounds.  I looked up and he was staring into space, making noises like he was calling the dog to him.  It was as if the dog was right in front of him, when in reality, the dog was to the side of him.  A little unsettling for me.

I took the dog out in the afternoon.  A few minutes after I got back in, husband asked me which dog did I take out to go pee.  Now, we only have one dog.  When I told him we have only one dog, he looked into thin air and smiled, as if he knew a secret.

I was in the kitchen and as I came out, he said, "I'm a little stinky."  He had dirtied his diaper.  As I was cleaning him up he said, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to poop my pants."  I had nothing to say, as he's right.  He doesn't mean to do it.  On the other hand, it's not so pleasant for me.  Changing a grown man's diaper?  Not so fun.

Husband's eating has picked up a bit since we moved here.  Must be all that fresh air.  I now have to cut everything up for him because he can't see well enough and his hands have tremors all the time.  He makes a real mess on the table.

All in all, I am finding a routine here.  I keep busy, tending to husband and keeping my apartment clean.  It's nice here. 

I saw at Costco yesterday the Christmas decorations.  Just seeing them made me want to decorate.  I haven't had any desire in the past 3 years to do any decorating. 

This year will be different.

Different is so many other ways.

But, decorate I will!!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A conversation with Mom

We had a really nice day yesterday.  We went with Tish & Jace to a pancake breakfast and then a parade.  It was in Fountain Valley, a small community southeast of the Springs.

It was nice to get out and kind of see just exactly where I am living now.  This little town was so quaint.  I liked the vibe of this community.

Husband enjoyed himself, especially during the parade. 

Colorado must be on a timer.  As soon as it turned September, someone turned off the heat and we are having some glorious weather.  I love it. 

Sunday morning, I noticed a big truck in the parking area, filled with wood.  The office had told me that this guy sells apartment packages of fire wood.  As he was unloading fire wood onto my neighbor's patio, I motioned him to come over.  I asked him what he charged for the wood and how much wood was in this package.  To make a long story short, I am now the proud owner of an apartment package of fire wood.  He told me he starts coming around during the Labor Day holiday because there are lots of orders to fill.  He has now put me on the list and will be here in another 2 weeks.  I am going to get another package, because, as, like he says, "When Winter hits, Winter hits."  Rather be prepared.

My neighbor says by using her fireplace, it saves bundles on the heating bill.  She also said that the fireplaces in this complex are wonderful and heat up the whole apartment.  Am looking forward to my first fire in the fireplace.

I called my mom in the afternoon, to give her our new home phone number.  I was supposed to call her last week, but, with all the unpacking I had to do, it slipped my mind.  She was so happy to hear from me.

I was telling her all about Colorado Springs, the weather, the blue skies, that groceries are cheaper here, my new apartment and how husband handled the move.  She said, "You know honey, you sound so good.  I haven't heard that lift in your voice in such a long time."

Surprised, I said, "I do?  I sound good?"  "Yes, you do.  I'm so glad you honored your husband and took him to Colorado."

When I got off the phone, I sat here and thought about what she said.  I sound good?  I sound happy?
I did the right thing by moving here?

Just thinking about that, made me happy.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

"It's not you. It's me"

Yesterday was busy.  Not only did I do my usual Saturday cleaning, I put the rest of the stuff away.  Moved things around.  It looks nice in here now.

I had gone to Costco 2 weeks ago to get my usual monthly stuff.  I had bought bathroom cleaner, only, at Costco, you have to buy a big package.  The cleaner is tall, heavy cans that comes with 5 cans in a package.  I opened the package on the bathroom sink, took one out, and was putting the package back under the sink when one of the cans fell out of the cut package and landed directly on my big toe.  The foot that I had hurt several months ago when I had fallen outside at the old apartments.  The pain was unreal.  I put ice on it immediately. 

It is now swollen, stiff and beginning to turn a beautiful shade of purple.  There's also a cut where the rim of the can hit my foot with such force that it broke the skin.  Great.  Oh well, I can still walk, just have to baby the foot.  Again.

Husband was locked in his own world all day.  Because I was so busy, I tried to ignore him because I don't like this state.  He did, however, take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon.  I woke him up for dinner.  He ate all of his dinner and went back to his bed.  I turned on the TV for him.  As I was leaving the room he said, "What's for dinner?"  When I told him he had just had dinner, he looked confused, but, said nothing.

He slept all night which I am grateful for.  This morning he seems OK.  Of course, you never know when it will strike again.

I keep forgetting the real reason why we moved here.  Not for this beautiful state.  It is beautiful around here.  The mountains, the rolling, green hills, the Aspen trees, yes, it's really beautiful here.  Even the water tastes good here.  The fresh air.  The expansive blue sky. 

I brought husband here to die.  I have to keep telling myself this.  I try to get comfortable living here, but, then, I think back to when husband told me why he wanted to move here.  I am trying to like it here.  The people are certainly friendly.  I can't say I don't like it here either.  What's not to like?

I really need to get over the fact as to why we moved here and focus on husband and making whatever time he has left to be happy ones.  He says he is looking forward to our first fire in the fireplace.  I need to be like him, I guess.  He knows he's going to die.  And, he's OK with it.

It's me.  I'm having a hard time of it. 

Tish, Jace and the kids are coming today for a BBQ.  The pool is closing tomorrow here.  Husband is looking forward to it. 

Now, I have to put on a happy face.  I wear so many faces nowadays.  And, they're all so fake.  I hate being fake.  Now, if I can just remember where I put the "Happy Face" in this new apartment I should be good to go.