Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

End of life, beginning of new year!!

Six months ago today, my husband took his last breath and passed.  I was right by his side. 
When I close my eyes at night, that image always comes to me.  It is burned in my brain. 

As we get closer to the new year, I am anxious for 2015 to be over.  Heck, nowadays, I'm anxious about everything.  Comes with the territory, I guess.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I did find a smaller, cheaper apartment.  I like it. 

In February, my daughter and I are going to take a road trip down to Albuquerque.  Get away, maybe do a Casino or two and try to relax.  I am actually feeling good about this road trip.

I am in the process of trying to get this blog published.  Anyone know of a reputable publishing company, where I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for publishing?  I feel it may be a good start.  I have not worked on the book.  It's hard for me to concentrate lately.

Some days, I feel so out of whack and others, not so bad.  Today, I am out of whack.  Probably why I am posting.  I find myself wandering the apartment, frustrated and feeling desperate at times.

The church I have been attending is starting a new Grief Share the end of January.  I think I will be the first one to sign up.  I really, really, need something.

I've thought of going back to work part time, but, don't know if I could deal with it.  Not after what I've been through.  Sometimes, the idea of working appeals to me, other times, not so much.  See what I mean about floundering?

Today, I am re-living husband's last hours and reflecting on the last year.  Hard to tell your mind to stop it when you fall back, look at the clock and think back to what I was doing this time, 6 months ago today.  Ugh.  This grief can do some pretty crappy things, especially when you least expect it.

Here's to a new year.  A new beginning, I pray.  A new life.  A better life for me. 

Monday, December 21, 2015

Getting on board!!

Gosh, it's been 3 months since my last post.  I had not intended to post anymore, but, felt compelled to do so today.

Life is, I don't know.  Hard, I guess.  With the Holidays', I've had a rough time.  Thanksgiving was awful for me.  With Christmas coming this week I am more excited for it.  But not in the way one would think.  I'm excited for it to be over with.  Wash my hands and be done with it.  I have made up my mind to smile a lot on Christmas, I don't want to put anyone else in a sad mood.  It's only 1 day, I tell myself.

I do smile.  I do laugh.  but, then, at the most unexpected time, grief will overtake me.  It can, at times, shake me to my core.  I hate it.

Husband has been gone almost 6 months.  The time has flown for me.  They say time heals.  I disagree.  It's hit me harder the last 2 months.  You never get over it.  I am learning to live without him, but, the hurt remains.  Still fresh.  Still just as painful.

I visited a Church yesterday.  It was really great.  I can't wait to go for Christmas Eve Services.  They have a lot of groups there.  One is Grief Share and another one is a Social Gathering each Friday night.  I'd like to check into both of those.  I feel the need to fit in somewhere.

So, for those few who still check in, I am doing OK. Not fantastic, but, not too bad. 

Life is going to go on, regardless of what happened.  I can either join in or not.  I choose to join in.  A little damaged, (no, a lot damaged) a little worse for the wear, a little sadder than most, but, I have to join in. 

Life is happening all around me.  I need to get on board.  I need a boarding pass.