I reached for the phone to call my Mother yesterday to wish her a Happy Easter. Her first words to me would've been, "Yes, He is Risen." I would've teased her, asking her if she had been a good girl and what did the Easter Bunny bring her for Easter.
And then I remembered that I can't call her. She's dead. Gone.
This thing they call Grief can be overwhelming to me at times. I'll be fine and then it hits at the most unusual times.
My sister is having a Memorial for her on the 17th of May. She made sure I will be able to attend. Of course, making arrangements for husband was tricky, however, plans are made, got my airline ticket and away I will fly. Not to see her, but, to honor her and say "so long."
It seems like the days are flying by. Each day melts into the other. Nothing unusual happening around here.
I will be taking husband back up to Denver to see the Neurologist at UC Denver. They are now accepting his insurance, and, I felt very comfortable with Dr F, plus he is a colleague of Dr A's in Albuquerque.
I had been taking husband to a local Neurologist here in the Springs, but, the last time I took him, the Dr told me that husband is so far advanced, that, in his opinion, he needs to be seen up at UC Denver.
We go May 7th.
For the most part, husband has been holding steady. I used to love this reprieve from Alzheimer's. Now I am very uncomfortable with it. It won't last. And when it hits, it hits. Imagine a brick thrown in your face? Kinda, sorta like that.
I've noticed the legs are getting very stiff. Very stiff.
As far a sleeping and night terrors, we have had none. He sleeps pretty good. "The man" comes and goes.
He just sits on the couch and nods off. All day long. He will occasionally raise his head and "talk" to "someone". Or, he will snap out of sleep, grin and try to whistle for the dog(s). Or, his eyes will roll in a very dramatic way. Disturbing and not a pretty sight to see.
A few weeks ago, I woke in the morning to hear a knocking sound. I couldn't find husband. The bathroom door was closed. Jumping out of bed, I ran into the bathroom and found him cowering in the corner, knocking on the wall, asking for help.
Each day, I try to find something good in the day. I try to fill my mind with good thoughts. I try to laugh and fill my heart with warm memories. As time goes on, it's getting harder and harder to do this.
I have been talking to God and my Mother a lot lately. It helps.
So, taking husband back up to Denver, where they will probably tell me it won't be long now, or, shake their heads and tell me they can't give me a time frame, and, flying out to California for a final farewell to my Mother.
Some tuff stuff for me right now.