Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Thursday, January 22, 2015

It's been a while since my last post.  Just haven't wanted to talk about Alzheimer's.  Been a rough week.

Last Saturday, I took husband out for the day.  I had planned on it for 2 weeks.  I was excited for him as well as for me.  Big mistake.

Being around husband all day, every day, I did not realize just how sick he really is.

By evening, I was exhausted and jittery from his bad behavior.  Oh, it was something, I'll tell you.

Husband has become very mean towards me.  I have heard that Alzheimer's patients do this, but, just never thought he would.

Everything is my fault.  I think deep down, somewhere in his brain, he can tell the difference in how I can walk, talk and deal with everything.  Unlike him, who cannot walk, has garbled speech, and cannot even think anymore, I think he thinks it's just not fair and will take it out on me.

After our day trip, I let him know of his bad behavior, (I know, but, sometimes I have to make him aware of bad behavior), he seemed sorry, but, continued to say if I hadn't of done this or that, maybe he would've acted better.  Exhausting.

I am fighting a losing battle here.  Right now, I think I would like to bat my head against a brick wall than try to make him understand bad behavior.

I have been having problems with him waking in the middle of the night and having conversations with "the visitors" again.  Last night, he was telling "someone", "No!!! Leave me alone."

I stayed in my bed listening to him wondering what was going to happen.  Finally, he laid back down, still muttering, still restless.

And, I wonder.  Just who was that?

Part of me wants this all over.  The other part longs for a normal life with a healthy husband.  And, it makes me so sad that I will never, ever, have a healthy husband or, for that matter, a normal life.

Sometimes, like today, I think it's just not fair.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Laughter, the best medicine!!

Thought I'd change the main  page.  It was time for a face lift.

We woke up to bitter cold and snow.  It has been foggy all day.  I like it, except, I had to go to the pharmacy, Petco and grocery store.  Roads were pretty bad, but, I took my time and made it home safe.

I like to get out like that and challenge myself.  Driving slow, watching for the other guy, trying not to skid, I love it.  I know, sounds crazy and not so normal, but, I never claimed to be normal.

On the Alzheimer's side,  things are just about the same.  There has been lots of strange behavior and delusions but, other than that, it's OK.

For some reason known only to husband, on his way to the bathroom, he will open the closet door then proceed to the bathroom.  Lately, when coming into the living room, he will forget to get his walker.  When I remind him to get it, he gets really confused and starts to spin while holding onto my bed.  He also starts to move the bedroom door back and forth.  It may take him a good 15 minutes before he calms down and gets his walker.

As I was putting him to bed Saturday night he said, "Wasn't that a good idea I had?"  Now, me being the actress that I am said, "which one?"  He smiled and said, "the one where I took popsicle sticks and put them in wax and made new popsicles, remember?"  "Oh, yes, I do remember, good idea."

Later, I got a popsicle out, looked at it and had to chuckle.  And then, I had to laugh out loud.  And, as I ate it, I said to no one, "Funny, doesn't taste like wax."

Leave it to husband to make me laugh.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

An Alzheimer's Poem

"Do not ask me to remember,
Don't try to make me understand,
Let me rest and know you're with me,
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand,
I'm confused beyond your concept,
I am sad and sick and lost,
All I know is that I need you to be
with me at all cost,
Do not lose your patience with me,
Do not scold or curse or cry,
I cannot help the way I am acting,
Can't be different though I try,
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone,
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'til my life is done."

Monday, January 5, 2015

"Just me"

Awwh, as much as I enjoyed the Holidays this year, I am relieved to get back to more of a routine.  And, I have been posting more again.  It all feels good.

Husband woke up Saturday morning completely lost.  He didn't know where he was, who he was, and kept telling me he did not fit into our apartment.  This lasted all day long.  I kept thinking that him saying he didn't fit, maybe he was telling me he didn't fit into this world anymore. 

At one point, in the afternoon, I finally got him to sit in the living room on the couch.  He kept staring all around, trying, I think, to find something familiar.  Our dog jumped on the couch.  Husband looked at the dog and said, "Well hello little dog, what is your name?"


Yesterday was OK.  Still lots of confusion, still that blank stare, but, better.

When Nurse J came this morning, I told her about his weekend.  She said she would check him over.  When she got ready to leave, she was rattled by his sudden change in behavior.

My wood man came on the first.  Boy, he stocked me up with wood.  Jace came on Saturday and split a lot of the big logs.  He does that every weekend.  Nothing better than a nice big fire, crackling wood and the warmth it gives off.  I love it.

My lease was up here, but, I decided to re-new the ease for another year.  The thought of moving makes me tired and, with husband so lost, I didn't want to further aggravate the situation by moving to a new, unfamiliar place.

We live in the southern part of the Springs.  Practically every place I go to is in the northern part.  We do however, have a big shopping center at the end of our street.  I do my main grocery shopping there, but, Costco and Trader Joe's are at the upper end of the city.

When husband is gone, I plan on moving a littler farther north.  I'll get a small, 1 bedroom.  Room enough for just me.

I think that way a lot lately.  "Just me" is what I now end a lot of my conversations with.

A little scary at times to think about it, but, on the other hand, I am ready.

Thursday, January 1, 2015


2015.  Time is going by so fast.  Some New Years Eve for me.  I went to bed at 9:30.  It just doesn't mean that much to me anymore.

I woke up around 2 AM, laid there and started thinking.  I should not think that deep, even in the early morning hours.  This feeling has come over me.  As I mentioned before, the Dr's told me 3-5 years.  Time is up.  I know it now.  I feel it now.  I dread it now.

Yesterday morning, one of the head nurses came by to do their home visit update.  Our regular nurse had just left.  She started talking to husband.  Of course, his response was hard even for me to understand.  When she was done, she gave me that look, shook her head and asked me if I had completed the paperwork for his DNR.  I told her I had and she said, "Good.  You will need that."

Husband looks forward to the nurse coming though.  She is a great person and relates to husband.  We have come to love her.  When husband does something out of the ordinary, she will make light of it and just continue with her care for him.

She did, however, tell me yesterday that she has noticed a big change in him.  She said that he cannot understand her when she will ask him to lift a leg into the bathtub or, hold arms up so she can put a clean shirt on him.  Any directions, he just can't grasp it anymore.

His eyesight is really bad as well.  When you talk to him, he does what a blind person does.  He will look in the direction of your voice, but, does not look directly at you.  Usually, he looks over the top of my head, towards the ceiling.  It's disturbing for me to look at him.

Dr A in Albuquerque told me the optical part of the brain was involved and he would continue to lose his eyesight.  When we moved here to Colorado and saw his new Neurologist in Denver, Dr F, he agreed.

Now, it has come to pass.  Husband is going blind. 

Husband doesn't talk much anymore, but, when he does, it's garbled, making no sense. 

The other morning, he called me into the bedroom.  I went in and there was standing next to his bed.  He said, "What do you think, 16 or 17?"  I, being used to this by now, said, "16 will be fine."

I had to chuckle at that one. 

So, here's to 2015.  I will hold on tight.