Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas 2013

Merry Christmas.

Today, I will take pictures and treasure them.  Memories.  For me only.

It's kind of a sad Christmas, knowing what I know, but, it will just be different next year, that's all. 

Changes.  A Season for everything.

So, I will smile today, relishing in the warmth of family.  Taking it all in.

Today, as we all gather with our families, celebrating the birth of Christ, take it all in.  The smells, the laughter, children running around with their new toys, the mess, the wonderment of what Christmas is really about and memories of Christmas's past, relish in remembering.  All of it.

May your day be Blessed and filled with peace.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Just doing it

I know it's been awhile since my last post.  Just don't have much to post about anymore.

Alzheimer's continues to be the dominant force in my household.  There are no words to follow that statement.

While we will have some moments where husband is slightly in his right mind, it's only fleeting and he slips back into his quiet world.

He tells me that the dogs love to get on his bed, where they will fight for a spot on the bed, closest to him.  He says he loves it when I am getting him ready for a bath, the dogs will wrestle with him as he tries to get out of bed.  He says that one will be up at his head, one will be pulling on his arms and one will be at his feet.  He seems very happy when he tells me these stories abut the dogs.  He says the dogs love him so.  Only one problem:

We have one dog.  Not three.

As I was cleaning house yesterday, I walked into the hallway, looked into the bedroom, checking on husband.  There he was, "playing" with the dogs.  My dog was in the living room, with me.

To say that is disturbing is an understatement.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night, to find husband standing up, holding on to his walker and asking someone(?) in a loud voice, "Can someone tell me where the bathroom is?"

He talks a lot to someone.  He will laugh with them, as if they share a secret.

I gave husband an early Christmas gift.   A new jacket.  Later, as I was taking him outside, I was putting the new jacket on him and he smiled and asked, "Is this new?  I've never seen this before."

So, if you're wondering how I am doing, please read the above paragraphs, again.

I feel as if I am operating on automatic pilot these days.  I just do and don't think about why I am doing. 

Christmas.  I don't feel great about it, nor, do I feel bad about it.  Lately, I don't think I feel much of anything anymore.   

If I had to stop and analyze my feelings, I think I will go mad.  It's better to be on automatic pilot.


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

A Christmas Wish

Marching on.  Gearing up for Christmas.  Ho hum.  I'm not as into the Holidays as I thought I was going to be, but, I'm not that bad either. 

Husband continues to be in his own world.  There have been some really sad moments, but, for the most part, life (or lack thereof) is moving right along.  You can really see the damage this disease has done.

When you talk to him, his eyes do not focus on you.  He will look in your direction, but always looks slightly to the right and upward.  It's disturbing.

He has, for some crazy reason, thinks he is supposed to lay on his bed at the foot of the bed.  He will put his head on the footboard, with his neck resting on the hard metal footboard.  And, he's comfortable doing that.  He also thinks he has always slept at the end of the bed.  I will get him at the head part of the bed, leave the room, go check on him within 10 minutes, and there he is, sound asleep, at the foot of the bed.

Tish came over yesterday.  He didn't know who she was. 

He is obsessed with a catalog we have.  It's a sporting catalog, with everything from hunting knives, to guns, bows and arrows and just a bunch of miscellaneous things for camping and hunting.  He has gone through it so much, all day, every day, that most of the pages are dog eared.  He tells me it's broken. 

In fact, everything is broken.  And, he wants me to fix it all.

Most days, everything is the same.  We've gotten into a routine, with this change in him.  He is, most days, oblivious to everyone and everything around him.  When it's time to eat, I will guide him to the table.  Once the food is set in front of him, I guide his hand to his fork.  He always looks at the fork and his food as if he's seeing it for the first time.  Always acts surprised that food appeared in front of him. 

So, for the most part, the Holidays are upon us, and, it's OK.  I'm not angry, I'm not sad.  I'm not happy, I'm just here.  Taking care of husband, counting the days until this is all over with.

That is my Christmas Wish.  Just let it be over.

Friday, December 6, 2013

"Hey, Joe"

I feel so bad for not posting in over a week.  I've gotten into a slump and come here each day to post, but, then, X out of it.  I have Alzheimer's to thank for that. 

Our Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I finally got the rest of our dinner and told myself to smile, think positive and put on a happy face.  Turns out, Pat & Christine had come up from Albuquerque and had been staying with Justin &M Anne in Parker, CO.  It was a surprise for me and it couldn't have been better.

The food was good, the company even better.  We laughed, told funny stories, shed some tears, Pat got a nice fire going in the fireplace, helped me with husband, watched some football and then we turned on Chopped on the Food Network and watched several episodes of that.  We looked at all the sale papers for black Friday, laughed some more and I took it all in, loving every minute of it.

They all came back on Saturday and we went up to Manitou Springs for dinner.  Walking the streets was magical.  Christmas lights were on, it was bitter cold, but, I didn't care.  They all took turns pushing husband in his wheelchair.  We would stop and look at shops, then, on to eat dinner.

I was so sad to say goodbye.  But, oh, what a wonderful few days it was.

I had to go to the store Wednesday, late in the afternoon.  We had a big snowstorm, and it was 3 degrees outside.  Walking up to the entrance, I saw the Christmas trees, with the smell overwhelming me.  There was a young guy tending to the trees, so, I walked up and asked how much they were.  He showed me the prices and before I knew it, I had bough a real Christmas tree!  He put it on top of my car, tied it to the rack, then asked me if my husband could bring it in from the car.  That took me by surprise, but, after fumbling around for words, I smiled and said, "of course."  He smiled and said, "Oh good, because, this tree is heavy and I know you couldn't get it off your car."

Once I got home, I looked at the tree and thought, "Well, you got yourself into a pickle now."  Went and got my kitchen scissors, back out to the car, stood there for a minute and busted out laughing.  There was no way I was going to get this Christmas tree off of my car.

Just then, two of the maintenance workers came by in one f the golf carts they use here.  I hollered out, "Hey Joe."  He stopped, I motioned for him toward me.  He stopped, turned around and came up to the car.  He looked at me, than at this big Christmas tree tied to my car.  He said, "What did you do now, Sue?"  I was laughing and said, "On a whim, I bought this tree and now I don't know how to get it off my car."

Thanks to Joe and Jeff, it is now sitting on my patio, in the freezing cold, waiting to be brought in.  Tish brought some decorations for the tree yesterday.  I had nothing.  She said they would be back tomorrow so Jace could put in on a stand and bring it in the apartment. 

As far as husband is concerned, well,  what can I say?  He is fading from me.  He is in his own world most of the time, but,  just to make life interesting, just when I think he's gone for good, he will surprise me with, "remember when.....?"

Looking at the tree on the patio yesterday, he said, clear as a bell, "The tree is pretty.  Glad you bought it.  I won't be here next year, so, remember how pretty this tree was next year, OK?"

Just what am I supposed to do with that piece of information, I thought,  So, I smiled and said, "I will, honey."

So, tomorrow night, when the tree is brought in and decorated to the hilt, I will turn on the lights and relish in this special Christmas tree.  I will savor every moment, file in my brain every detail of this tree.  I will post a picture of this special tree for all to see. 

I believe this tree called out to me.  And, on a whim, I bought it.  And, brought it home for husband.

Monday, November 25, 2013

So over

Well, well, so I've come here to blog.  I had to take a break from it all.  The nonsense, same ole' same ole', and, the Alzheimer's.  Sometime, it's just too much for me.

We had a very rough week last week.  Husband had hallucinations day and night.  Did I mention the anger?  He became angry with everything.  I, for once, didn't think I would make it through.  It was rough.

Sitting in the shower the other morning, he seemed to calm down while water was running on him.  I chose that time to get his clean clothes ready.  I heard a bam, ran into the bathroom and there he was, sitting sideways, falling out of the shower with his shower seat falling with him.  After helping him back up, I asked him what happened?  He spoke, in broken words, saying he didn't know what had happened, but, it was my fault because I left him alone.  Of course.

I'm so over all of this. 

Since Friday, he has gotten through this angry stage and it has been much more pleasant.  Not great, but, pleasant.

I am not in the mood for all this Thanksgiving stuff.  Thanks to Alzheimer's.  I bought a turkey.  Nothing else.  Just a turkey that is now completely thawed in my fridge.  No apples for pies, no bread for stuffing, no nothing.  When is Thanksgiving?  Oh yes, this Thursday?  Great.

I am supposed to get festive for the Holidays, remember?  Someone,  please remind me of that.

Husband is waking up.  He didn't sleep well.  Coughed all night.  It's his bath day.  Have to make sure the house is warm for him.  Lay his clothes out, before he gets in the shower.

Yes, I am so over it all.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Marching on

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted.  Time seems to be getting the best of me lately.

Husband has slipped, but, not too bad.  He seems to be OK with all that he has lost.  It's probably because he doesn't even realize what's going on anymore.

His sleeping has been good, with few interruptions during the night.  Hallucinations are a daily thing now.  I have learned to just go with it.  They still bother me, but, for him, I can't show it.

I bought a scale a few weeks ago and now weigh husband once a week.  He is losing weight.  When I weighed him last Sunday, he was down another 1/2 pound.  It's hard for me to not weigh him more frequently, but, Dr said only once a week.  We go back to the Dr on the 2nd of December for a weight check.

The weather here is turning pretty cold.  I've had more fires in the fireplace, sometimes during the day.  I am glad we moved here.  There, I said it.  Even though the real reason was for husband, it's so much better here.

I am still playing with the idea of completing the book I began over a year ago.  Blogging, for me, used to help me, mentally.  While it still does, with husband having mere months left here on earth, I come here and find myself repeating the same thing.

Being that this will be husband's last Christmas, it will be a Christmas to remember.  I plan on decorating, getting a tree, playing Christmas music, lights up around my patio, the works.  I am planning on taking pictures daily once the decorations are up.  Of husband.  I want to look back on this special time and think I did the right thing.  For husband.

While there will be overwhelming sadness, he will not know it. 

Thanks to Alzheimer's, I've become a great actress.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Packs of dogs in the city?

Not too much happening here.   It's another "holding pattern".  Waiting, just waiting.

Husband seems to hallucinate a lot lately.  It comes and goes.  Take for instance, the other day.

I had to run an errand and decided to take husband and the dog with me.  Husband doesn't get out much, it's just too hard on him and me.  But, this day, I did.

I left husband and the dog in the car, was gone for about 10 minutes.  When I got back to the car and opened the door, husband was waving his hands and said, "Be careful, don't let the dog out.  I just saw a pack of dogs run by and I don't want them getting our dog."

There were no pack of dogs.  We were in the middle of the city.

He doesn't like to go in the bathroom when he first wakes up.  Says he doesn't like to pee in front of other people.  Argued with me yesterday, after telling him where to go to the bathroom.  He told me, when I pointed out where the toilet was and how to lift up the seat, that that was disgusting and how dare I even suggest him using that thing to pee in.

Was twisting the door knob on the hall closet the other night.  I asked him what he was doing.  Said he was trying to turn on the bathroom light.

I'll be in the living room with the dog on my lap.  He will stroke the bed and talk to the dog in the bedroom.  Almost every night he thinks the dog is with him, when, in fact, he is on my lap in a different room.

I could go on and on.

I've noticed the tremors are more present now.  Legs and arms.  When I see it, I turn my head.  I don't like looking at him when he has these tremors.  It's not pretty.

Time to wake husband up.  It's bath and shave day.  When I do this, I never know what to expect.  We can go anywhere. 

My life.  I'm still here, still trying to find something to laugh about each day.  Most days, I can.  Other days?  Uh, not so much.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A very bad taste in my mouth

Here we go again.  Sorry for the lack in posts.  It's just that lately, days seem to melt into one another, and, I find myself coming here to post, with the same ole' subject.  Alzheimer's. 

Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Husband is holding steady.  No drastic decline.  He wakes up in a confused state.  Does not know where he is, who he is, or, who I am.  He will go to the bathroom by himself, but, I have to tell him where the toilet is.  He can no longer distinguish the difference between the sink, bathtub or toilet. 

I look in on him and he is sitting there with a look that says, "Where am I?"  Once he is done, I clean him up, (if it's not bath day) and guide him back to the bedroom where I dress him.

He will come to the dining room table and I have to tell him to sit and I fix his breakfast.  While he eats, he is still in a stupor.  He does not speak, at all.  He eats, making a mess.  He takes his meds, and, I guide him to this chair in the living room where he will stare at everything, not knowing what anything is.  I turn on the TV, making a distraction for him.

He will doze off and on the entire morning.   I do breakfast dishes, make beds, straighten up around the apartment.  Take the trash out, if needed, take the dog for his potty runs, all the while, checking on husband.

By noon or so, he seems to be more aware of his surroundings and will attempt to make conversation with me.  Trying to remember words is hard on him and the spinning of his hands will begin. 

Dinnertime rolls around and he eats a good dinner.  He will go to his bed after dinner.  I turn on his lamp and his TV.  By 7 PM, it's time for more meds.  He takes that and I get him undressed and under the covers.  By 8-9 PM, he is very sleepy and I have to get the last pill to him.  Once he takes that pill (I have to give one pill and wait at least an hour for the other pill) he is usually out within 15 minutes.

It is then that I come to my chair and am left alone with my thoughts.  I run through the day.  Was it a good day?  Did he eat well?   Did I do well with him today?   I also take stock in what he has lost, if anything.  I make a mental note of his tremors.  Did they appear to be more or less today?  How many times did he wet his pants?   My, he looks thin today.  Did he lose more weight today?

Just another day in my life.  A day with Alzheimer's.  A day where nothing really happens, but, everything changes. 

Ah, yes, no wonder Alzheimer's leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A certain smile

Happy Halloween.  The apartment complex sent a monthly newsletter here last week.  In the letter, they provided a sign you can put on your door knob if you want trick or treaters to come to your door.  If you don't put this sign on your door knob, you won't have any trick or treaters knocking on your door.  I thought this a great idea, because, I did not plan on buying any candy.

In taking the dog out for his morning walk, I noticed residents have already placed this sign on their doors.  As I walked back to my door,  it looked so bare and cold.  The door with no sign hanging from the door knob screamed what my life is like now.  Almost as if mocking me. 

I have this sadness that won't go away.  Such a heaviness in my chest this whole week.   And now, my barren, cold door knob, with no sign hanging from it has only made it worse.

Husband is doing poorly.  His awareness is fading.  He is sitting in his chair now, head dropped, occasionally talking to someone, using his hands as he attempts to speak.  He has been hallucinating all morning. 

I am thinking of putting up a tree shortly after Thanksgiving.  Just in case.  I will have to get an artificial tree.  I didn't want an artificial one, I wanted a real tree.  But, now, with circumstances being what they are, I want him to see a Christmas tree.  Real or not, I feel this need to get one up, fast.

While I am praying his journey is almost over,  I don't want it to be in December.  Please, not December.  January.  Yes, January would be better.  Please God.

His voice is also fading.  You can barely hear him.  I have to really strain my ears to hear him.  He doesn't know words, spins his hands while trying to remember a simple word.

The trees are mostly bare now.  The leaves lay on the ground, once green and full of beauty.  They are now brown and crisp.  Crackling under my feet as I walk the dog. 

I feel different now.  Lonely in a way.  Sad.  Scared at what life will be like once husband is gone.  Will I be OK?  I know I will be a different person, for sure.  Not the carefree person I used to be.

I look at life differently now.  I look at death differently as well.  When husband is hallucinating, he looks up and smiles the sweetest smile.  I feel in my heart, he sees God, or, Angels, speaking to him.  It's that smile, so pure and simple.  It's hard to describe.

He knows he's leaving.  And, he's OK with it.  Because the smile tells me so.

Monday, October 28, 2013


What is there to say now?  This new Dr we saw today was good.  Really good.  I am concerned with the weight loss.  Dr said to watch it closely, get him to drink some Ensure.  Might help but might not she said.

I had taken husband's June MRI.  She said she didn't need it.  After she was done, she leaves the room and I am feeling very uncomfortable about this MRI I have on disc.  I felt like she needed it to see where we are at. 

The nurse comes in and I tell her how uncomfortable I am in the Dr not even interested in the MRI disc.  The nurse says she will scan it into their computer and goes and gets the Dr.  Dr K comes in and asks me to step out with her.

We go to the computer.  She shows me the MRI results and then says, "Mrs Lucero, the reason I don't need this is because it is obvious your husband is grave.  His illness is beyond help anymore.  There is nothing anyone can do.  You are doing a wonderful job in caring for him.  I am so sorry you didn't understand.  It's not that I don't care, but, look at his brain.  It looks like cauliflower now."

I started to cry and she puts her arm around me and says, "Oh, I am so sorry.  I feel so bad for you right now.  I know, I wish I could give him a magic pill to help, but, there is nothing I can do.  I am also sorry there are other Dr's out there who will prescribe a pill, just to keep you quiet.  I am not that kind of Dr.  Take your husband home, care for him the way you are doing now, make his last days, however long that is, filled with love."

She said she will follow him closely.  We go in 1 month to check his weight, and she will see him every 3 months until the end.  She also has put in a referral for a Primary Care Physician, who will then get us Home Health Care, or, Hospice.

So that's it, in a nutshell.  I don't know what I expected, but, am glad I got him in to this Dr.  She shoots straight from the hip and doesn't mess around.   I feel as if I made the right choice in getting a new Dr here, in the Springs.

All I could think of when driving home was what she said about his brain.  "Look at his brain, it looks like cauliflower."

I would look over at husband sitting beside me in the car.  His head bobbed, he would look out the window, no recognition of nothing.  Nothing.

I will never eat Cauliflower again.


Saturday, October 26, 2013

Who was that?

Boy, I have really been slacking in posts.  So much has changed in just a month, it's hard to keep up.  I guess Dr F was right when he said the last 6 months would be a rapid decline.  He knows his stuff.

In June, Dr A told me 6 to 9 months.  In September, Dr F said 6 months, give or take.  Now, on Monday, this new Dr K will give me a timeline.  I wonder what it will be? 

Husband has been slipping in an alarming manner.  The other night, he came out of the bedroom and stood, holding on to the walls, just staring ahead.  Finally, I asked him if something was the matter.  He looked over to where my voice was coming from and said, "Where am I going?"

His voice has become so soft, I can't hear him at times.  Dr F told me that is one of the signs of the beginning of the end.  How strange.  His voice is like a whisper, mumbled and ever so soft.  It reminds me of someone who is so exhausted, they talk softly right before they fall to sleep.

I am finding myself repeating things to him all day now.  I can say something to him and in the next moment he will ask me again.  His memory is completely destroyed now.

Eating dinner the other night, he began to tell me about his neighbor he had as a little boy.  In that new soft voice, he told me how mean this neighbor was and how he didn't like kids playing in front of his home.  Of course, I had heard the story before, but, I was amazed at how he could remember this neighbor, but, can't remember anything else.

At the end of this conversation, he hung his head and said, "And then, he died."

I also think it's time to put him in the wheelchair, doing away with the walker.  His legs have become so stiff and his brain can't tell him to move the legs, making it scary for me.  It will be hard, I know, but, being that I have to make these decisions, I feel comfortable about the chair.

Speaking of decisions, I often wonder who signed me up for this?  I sure didn't. 

I have been thinking of finding a new Church.  I miss going.  The other day, standing on my patio, a young man came from nowhere, walked by, hesitated, then turned towards me and said, "Would you like to come to Church?"

Stunned, I said, "Yes."  He then handed me a brochure of a Church and walked away.  I glanced at the brochure and looked up to thank him.  He was nowhere in sight.  Now, it was a matter of seconds that he had just handed me this brochure, there was no way he could've walked that fast to the parking lot.  He was gone.

As I walked in the house, I got this warm, fuzzy feeling.  It felt like God had put His arms around me, comforting me.

God did this.  He sent a messenger to me.  That "person" who handed me this brochure?  He wasn't of this world.

Since then, every time I walk by that brochure, on my fridge with a magnet, I feel the love of God.

And yes, I plan on attending next week.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Auto Pilot

These days, well, they just seem to blend together.  Because of husband, I do the same thing every day.  Same time, same place.  It helps with his confusion.  Lately, I don't even think about doing it, it just happens.  And usually at the same time as the day before.  I sometimes feel like I'm on automatic pilot.

When we had gone to Denver last month for the first visit with the new Dr, I was told at the front desk that there may be a problem with our insurance.  Of course, we had the visit anyway.  Then, last week, I got a bill.  Seems our insurance does not cover.  Great.  I played with the idea of just keeping this Dr, but, knew in the long run, I could not afford to self pay.  What made me angry was, when I had called to make an appointment in June, while still in Albuquerque,  I was told they accepted our insurance. 

Back in the old days, before Alzheimer's, I would've fought tooth and nail and would've been wrapped up in anger.  Now?  What's the sense?  What will it matter in 10 years?

I called a Neurological Clinic on Monday.  Asked them if the Dr's were accepting new patients, did they accept our insurance and how soon could we get in.  They were accepting new patients, they did accept our insurance and the first available appointment would be in April.  2014.

My heart sank.  I then began to explain husband.  His age.  His disease.  Family history.  The rarity of it.  New to the state.  How, according to Dr F in Denver, husband in all probability, would not be here in April of 2014.

This girl, silent on the phone, finally spoke and said, "Can I call you back?"  Within 20 minutes, she calls and says, "OK, we've got you down for Monday, at 11:30.  Don't worry about bringing Medical Records, we'll get them.  You will be seeing Dr K."

Thank you. 

Husband is holding steady.  When he wakes up in the morning, he is very confused and doesn't know where he is at.  Once the day starts to roll, he finds his groove and does OK.  By sunset, confusion starts again and he becomes agitated. 

The other night, I found him in the closet.  When I walked in and found him there, he looked at me as if I were a stranger.  This is where my acting abilities come into play.

I make light of it, guide him back to his bed, assure him of who I am, cover him up, make a few jokes and soothe his head.  He will let me guide him to bed, all the while, looking at me and frowning.  Once I get him on the bed and cover him up, his eyes will dart all over the room and then back at me.

The last week or so, I have come into the bedroom and have found husband on his bed with his eyes rolling in the back of his head.  I don't know if that's seizure activity or what.  That rattles me to my core.

Yes, the days melt together into one, it seems.  Every day is the same, yet, each day that goes by, husband drifts further and further away from me.

The days are getting shorter.  And, so is time with husband.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The face of alzheimer's

Ha, I think I finally mastered posting pictures.  I took this one of husband.  He has had an OK morning.  Of course, he doesn't look normal, but, just OK.  It's his eyes that get me every time. 

IMAG0004.jpg  This is the face of Alzheimer's.

That vacant, hollow stare.  This is what he looks like today.  His face has become elongated.  I often look at him and wonder what he is thinking, if he thinks at all.

A dear friend sent me a picture of husband in 1994.  It was just after Jack was born and we were at their house for their little girls' 2nd birthday party.  Now, that little girl is in her 2nd year of college and my Jack is in Germany.  So much has changed since that picture was taken. 

I just tried to post the picture and distorted it.  Oh well, I'll try again, maybe tomorrow.

Husband has not had a few good days.  Shocker.  He has been difficult lately.  I think that's the hardest part.  I will pick out his clothes to wear and he will insist on wearing Levi's.  Ever try dressing a grown man, with stiff legs and arms?  Yeah.  Also, with his Levi's comes a belt.  Then, when he has to go to the bathroom, he doesn't remember how to unbuckle his belt, let alone undoing the snap on his pants and disaster.  I then have to change his pants and diaper.  It's a mess.

I put my foot down and told him I am going to get him pull up pants, making it easier for him and me.  Not to mention the laundry!  At first, he hesitated, so, I said, "I'm not asking permission, this is the way it's going to be".  End of subject!

He has been sleeping a lot.  Hallucinations continue.  Throughout the day.  They come and go.  I have learned to ride with it.  One minute, he's here, the next, he's talking to someone I can't see.  It's absolutely mind blowing.

Settling in for the winter.  Gearing up for the Holidays.  After the Holidays, well, then I will start the countdown to the end. 

It will be Spring then.  Re-birth.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Turbulance ahead

Someone turned the heat off here in Colorado!!   Oh my, it is cold.  Snow is predicted.  While out walking my dog yesterday, I stopped in the office to say hello to the ladies.  As I walked in, they all said "hi" and I said, "Who turned off the heat here?"  One of them laughed and said, "Welcome to Colorado."  Welcome indeed. 

I had a fire going all day and into the night yesterday.  Was so cozy and warm in here.  Love, love, love the fireplace.  Tish stopped by and brought more firewood in from my patio and loaded it around the fireplace. 

Tish and Jace bought a house.  It's a custom build home, very nice.  She took us to the model home they wanted last week.  Before they made a final decision.  I really like what they have chosen.  I am so excited for them.  Of course, it will be several months before they actually move in, (it has to be built), but, they have picked out their lot, so, the process has started.  Tish is beyond excited and I love listening to her babble about the new home.

They will be a small distance from me once they move.  Not close like they are now.  But, I am happy for them and getting caught up in their excitement helps me get my mind off of husband. 

On the home front, not much news.  We're in what I've termed a Holding Pattern,  kind of like flying.  You never know when the turbulence will hit. 

Today is bath day.  Since getting stuck in the tub a few weeks ago, I use the bath seat now.  Husband does not like it.  He will mildly protest, I just pay him no mind and wash him up.  Once I turn on the shower to rinse him off, he will turn his head up and say that it feels good.  I always look closely at him when he does this.  He will close his eyes and let out a big sigh.  I often wonder, does he remember when he could shower himself?  Funny what goes through my mind nowadays.

To re-cap:  It's bitter cold outside.  Tish and Jace will build a new home.  And me?  Why, I'm in a Holding Pattern!!

Monday, October 14, 2013

Who's the boss this year?

I'm doing a little better today.  I have a lot to do and decisions to make, but, am feeling better about what I feel comfortable in doing to honor husband.  I won't say much now, but, a plan is taking place, in my mind, and, I feel good about it.

I left husband home alone yesterday, but, took the dog and together, we went to Tish's house to do laundry.  A few days before, Tish had taken my sheets, towels and rugs.  She did those for me so I wouldn't have to be away from home for so long.

Because he falls so much, I didn't want to risk him falling on the way to the car.  I felt it was more risky to have him attempt to walk (with his walker) to the car than to leave him home.  These are just one of the many decisions I go through daily.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

He was asleep when I left, and was sitting in the rocker recliner when I got home.  He was fine.  In his own world, but, I'm used to that, so, that part didn't surprise me.

He said he was hungry, so, I made an early dinner.  He ate a good dinner, then, went to his bed.

He has been sleeping good throughout the night.  That's a plus.  He does talk, in his sleep.  His hands will move as he talks to someone or something.  It's more interesting than scary to me.

Husband does not like our bathroom.  He will tell me that there are people in the bathroom and he always wants me to tell them to leave.  I go into the bathroom, stand in the middle of the room and politely ask "the people" to leave.  Sometimes, it works, other times, not so good.  It's just the bathroom, bedroom, living room, dining room and kitchen are not an issue.

He also says he has to "go down" to the toilet.  His mind is so demented now, that I fully believe his perception has been damaged.  Or, he will ask me which toilet he should use.  He thinks there are more than one.  When I point out which one to use, he will say, "But, I have to go down there.  Can I go down?"  Trying to convince him he does not have to go down is useless.  I go along with it.  It's better that way.

I have decided to go all out this Christmas.  Tree, trimmings and presents under the tree for him.  I now know this will be his last and I want to make a memory for me.  There will be pictures, laughter and singing of Christmas songs.  I refuse to give in to this disease.  Alzheimer's will not ruin what will be husband's last Christmas.

There will be presents galore under the tree.  Cheap, dollar store, Walmart and Target presents.  I am actually getting excited when I think about how wonderful my house will look.  And smell, with a real Christmas tree. 

For the first time in a few years, I am actually looking forward to the Holidays.  I've come a long way from last year.  One would think that I, knowing husband will not be here next year, would crumble and fall.

No, Alzheimer's will not be in charge this year.  I'm the boss this year. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Final Arrangements

What to do or what to say after yesterday's post.  I, at times, feel so lost.  I don't know which way to turn anymore. 

I was told by the new Dr's and Hospice to start making final arrangements for husband.  After calling father in law, he said he wants to be placed next to husband's mother after all.  It didn't really upset me, as he paid for it when she died.  It's his right to want to be placed next to her.

All I've thought about for the last several days is what the Dr advised me to do.  Make final arrangements.

I don't know where to start.  How does one go about making final arrangements?  Especially when you've moved to a new city where you don't know anyone?

I never thought about final arrangements and what is involved.  Just never crossed my mind.  Now, however, it is on my mind constantly.  I want to honor husband and do the right thing.  I just don't know where to turn.

Do I place him in Albuquerque, or, here?  Do I have him buried or cremated? Do I just spread his ashes in the mountains here?  In Albuquerque?

Also, how much does this all cost?  I have heard throughout the years that a funeral is a big expense.  Something I surely don't have.

I suppose I should call around and get some ideas.

All this sounds so morbid, and I wouldn't blame any of you if you just clicked out of here fast.  But, this is real life and what happens when you are slammed with the impending death of a spouse or loved one.

This is not fun and I want out of the game. 

When I come here each morning, what you read comes straight from my heart and soul.  I bare it all here, folks.  I don't mince words, I tell it like it is.  No cute pictures, no cute stories, no updates on what "Sally Sue" did in school.

I am wanting to find a Church here in the Springs.  I miss it.  I could use some Spiritual Guidance.  

Maybe that'll get my mind off of Final Arrangements.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The Final Countdown

So, I got my new charger today.  Yay.  After purchasing 2 wrong ones, (which the store clerks insisted would work) guess the 3rd time is the charm.  Oh, so nice to be able to use my laptop again.

I also changed up the look of the blog.  I felt it needed a face-lift.  This morning, while enjoying my espresso on the patio, I saw some geese flying south.  They looked so graceful, and then, looking for a new background, I found this one.  Looks like geese to me!!

Husband is not good.  In about 10 days, he has lapsed into an unknown territory known only to him.  I find him staring into space, often talking to either himself or someone(?) other than me. 

I put in a call to Dr F on Wednesday about the Home Health Care.  The nurse called me back a few hours later and said Dr F said it is too late for Home Health Care, that he needs Hospice.  He said he believes husband has about 6 months, give or take, and that Home Health Care is not a good fit.  The nurse forwarded this information to Hospice here in the Springs.

Hospice came this morning.  After assessing husband, she said that he is not ready for Hospice, close, but not just yet.  Said it could be a matter of a few weeks or up to a month.  Needless to say, I was not amused.  She said to contact the local Alzheimer's Association and see what they could offer us, for now.

When will people recognize that Alzheimer's is a Disease resulting in death??? Why does husband have to meet a certain "criteria" when he can't even remember where the bathroom is?

Don't get me started.

I woke up at 6:30 AM and heard a beeping sound.  At first I thought I was dreaming.  Then,  I heard it again.  Looked over at husband's bed and he was not in it.  I flew out of bed and ran into the living room.  There I found husband riding his scooter chair.  And of course, I asked that crazy question, "What are you doing?"

Husband told me he was riding a bus and that he needed to sit in his scooter chair.

But, he doesn't meet the "criteria" for Hospice.  Um, OK.

I have had peaks and valley's the last few weeks.  One minute, I'm good, the next, I find tears welling up in my eyes.  I want to laugh, I want to go outside and feel the beautiful autumn air on my face.  I want to look at the beauty of my surroundings with the changing of the leaves.  I want to feel safe and secure.  I want to be happy.  I want a "normal" husband.  I want to feel normal.  Not just play pretend.

6 months.  That's all.  6 lousy months. 

So, we enter the final countdown. 

God help me.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

No other choice

Well, still using the office computers.  My new charger should be on it's way within a few days.

Husband is doing poorly.  I woke up yesterday morning with him staring at me.  I said good morning.  He said, "Who are you?"  Yeah, that was the way my day started.

I see him fading by the minute.  I have had bouts of sudden depression or overwhelming sadness.  It hits me out of the blue. 

My brother came to visit on Sunday.  He lives in Florida, but is in Denver for work.  We sure had a nice visit.  Husband did well during the visit.  That was nice, seeing him.  After he left, I asked husband if he had enjoyed himself.  He smiled and nodded his head.

Still waiting on the Home Health Care.  It's been two weeks, don't know what's going on or why we have waited so long.   I sure could use the help.  Husband's legs are getting stiffer and dressing and bathing is becoming quite a feat.

Last week, husband could not get out of the tub.  I had to go to the office here and get one of the maintenance guys to lift him out of the tub.  I bought him a shower seat, but, he has refused to use it.  Since getting stuck in the tub, I told him that from now on, we were using the bath seat.  Now, each time I bathe him, using the shower seat, he is quiet, but, does not fight me on it anymore.

The days are getting shorter, the nights longer.  The holidays are upon us.

I am dealing as best I can.  What other choice do I have?

Monday, October 7, 2013

It's the little, funny things

It has been awhile.  So sorry.  I have had a lot of trouble getting a new charger for my laptop.  I now have been told that I have to order it from HP.  Easier said than done when you can't even use your laptop.  I am using the computer here at my apartment office.  They have a media center and we are free to use the computers anytime we want.  I need to order the charger.

Now, on to husband's Dr visit, two weeks ago!!

I must say, it was an experience.  We were in the exam room for 4 1/2 hours.  We had 3 different Dr's come in and examine husband.  They told me that since Dr A had sent husband's history in June, they have been anxious to see him.

During the exams, each Dr would tell me what they had found.  Each time was more grim than before.

To recap, husband is officially in the final stages.  Dr H explained what his brain is doing now.  He compared it to an embryo.  He said an embryo has a primitive brain, a brain that cannot think, remember, see or recognize anything.  In an Alzheimer patient, the brain becomes embryo-like, thus, the lack of ability to
perform even the simplicity of tasks.

Dr H also asked me if I had noticed a change in his facial features.  I told him as a matter of fact ,  yes I had. He went on to explain that husband's brain is like an embryo, and if I had ever seen an ultrasound and how the unborn baby had an elongated face?  Yes, I have seen an ultrasound and yes, a baby in the womb does in fact have that elongated face.  Now, he goes on to say that husband has entered the danger stage.  With the elongated face, his swallowing reflexes are now involved and this is where choking to death is at the highest.  He asked me if husband chokes or coughs a lot.  I told him yes, mostly at night.  I told him I elevate his hospital bed at night, but it doesn't help much.  Dr H nodded and said, "Well, you can do that, but, unfortunately, it won't help."

All 3 Dr's could not give me a timeline.  They said that with the rarity of husband's disease, they really have nothing to go on, but what they have read or heard from another colleague.  One Dr, Dr F, looked at me and said, "6 months?  A year?  I don't think a year, but, let's put that as a goal, shall we?"

All in all, with even the grim news, I got so much out of it.  I left feeling loaded with knowledge and feeling that these Dr's really, really, cared about husband and myself.

Since this Dr visit, husband has taken a downward spiral.  We've had seizures, falling episodes and just plain misery.

With all this heartache, I always want to find something, anything, to laugh about.  Well, Friday night, husband was a handful.  I'd pull his covers back for him to get in bed, he'd get in, and as soon a I left the room, he'd get back up and start digging in the closet.  After about 2 hours of this, he finally fell asleep, poor guy was exhausted.

Husband always falls asleep with his glasses on.  When I got to him to take his glasses off, I notice his glasses are on upside down.  Oh, what a sight!!  I sat on my bed and literally cracked up.  Oh, it was so sad, pitiful in fact, but, so so funny.

Imagine, it's about 11:30, with husband sound asleep, glasses on upside down, and me, sitting on the side of the bed, laughing so hard tears are running down my face.

Yes, it's those little funny things that keep me going.

Thank you, God, for giving me a sense of humor.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Sorry for the lack in posts.  My charger for my laptop broke and I have been on a quest to get another one.  After two trips to Best Buy they still sold me the wrong one.  Going back tomorrow to get the right one. 

Today has not been a good day.

Wednesday at the new Dr was not good news.  To sum it all up, it was grim news.  Scary news.

As soon as I get the right charger and am able to charge this laptop, I will post all about what I found out in Denver.

Please be patient with me, this has not been a very good week at all.

Monday, September 23, 2013

I gotta a new attitude

Thank you for the comments.  And support in any decisions I may make.  I appreciate everyone of you who reads here.  After reading some of your comments it helped me. 

It's not the comments, or lack of comments, it's just that I feel as if this blog has become sort of depressing to me, and I felt as if people would read it and think, "Oh boy, here she goes again."

Unfortunately, this is not a fictional blog.  It's real. 

I have decided, for now, to keep this blog going. 

I thought long and hard about how to spice it up.  And, Debby, you gave me some great ideas.  Thank you.

The kids know of my feelings.  They support me 100%.  Only, we don't talk much about it.  Not much to talk about when they see husband struggling to talk, think and walk.  It's there, smack in their faces.  Some handle it better than the others.  Jack is the only one who does not handle it well.  This has damaged not only husband, but, the family as well.

I still want to publish this blog one day.  Or, write that book.  Writing a book is hard, as I've started one, only to not go back to it.  Husband's illness is time consuming and suffocating.  Hence, this blog.

So, for now, this blog shall remain open. 

We go on Wednesday to the new Dr up in Denver.  I will post with an update then.

For now, thank you to the readers who follow this journey with me.

I am playing with ideas on how to switch this blog up.  It will still be centered on husband, but with just a change on how I post and what you see.

Thank you again.  Hold my hand as I enter a new phase in my walk with Alzheimer's.


Saturday, September 21, 2013

Where do I go from here?

Ah, let's see, what is happening around here?  Nothing.  Days seem to run into each other.   Fall is upon us, the weather is turning cold.  It's getting quieter and quieter around this apartment complex.  People are beginning to stay indoors more.

And, I'm in a rut.  Something about blogging is not working for me anymore.  I am finding it harder and harder to blog.  I don't have much to say these days.  Other than, my husband is dying and I am caring for him.  Period.  That's it in a nut shell.

How many times can I say husband has once again declined?  How many more times can I "talk" about his hallucinations?   His memory, or lack thereof? 

This has been such an emotional journey for me.  Only, most people don't see it.  Even family members.  Sure, I've shed a few tears in front of family, but, for the most part, I've kept this all to myself. 

There are days that I don't think I'm going to make it through.  But, I keep that to myself.  There are days I dream of driving off into the sunset.  No one knows that one either.  (well, until now).  I think I've mentioned before that I sometimes imagine husband already gone, and I am here alone.  Actually, I really am here alone.  Being alone is not such a bad thing, except when you have a husband physically present, but mentally gone.  Now, that's a hard one.

Then, I have good days, when husband is present and it seems as close to normal as you can get.  I think that is the hardest part for me.  Knowing he's not normal anymore and this is just a little break from my stark realty.  When I say good days, it's good, sure, but, as I've said before, there's always the other side of me that sits and waits for it all to go away.  And, just like clockwork, it all goes away and I am left with nothing once again.

I used to come here and feel good about what I posted.  Now?  There's really not much more I can post about.  And, I'm sure most readers out there are looking for someone who  posts about their interesting lives.  Not this blog, where it's all doom and gloom. 

I started this blog as a daily journal, beginning a journey I never thought I'd travel.  Not me, no, it wouldn't happen to my husband.  And, here I am, traveling it.  Doing it.  Watching it.  Living it.

So, I've come to a fork in the road.  Do I continue this blog or, let it go.  I want to chronicle this journey, but, am I doing it for me?  Will I, one day, want to read this?  All of it?

I honestly don't know.

So, bear with me as I ponder this one. 


Thursday, September 19, 2013

A new Due Date?

Has Fall arrived here in Colorado?  I think so.  I woke up to a cold morning with the wind blowing.  Some of the tops of trees look a little yellow to me.  Could be. 

Uneventful day yesterday.  Husband has remained in his own world.  For the most part, he will just stare into space.  Once in awhile, he seems to come out of it and ask a question, the same question he had asked 15 minutes earlier.  I answer again, only to have him slip away and continue staring into space.

I was watching him yesterday, staring into space.  I was so intrigued by it.  I wondered what is going on in his head.  Does he hear voices?  Is it just a muddy mess in his brain?  Does he, in his mind, acknowledge that it is a jumbled mess?  When you see something like this,  it does make you wonder.

His eating habits are very messy.  He makes a mess at the table.  I wipe up food from his placemat and usually end up having to wash the placemat once a week.

As I said before, I just wish Alzheimer's would completely take over now.  Quit giving me these little reprieves from this disease.  I am so tired of this roller coaster.  For me, it's either all or nothing.  At this point, I'd rather have nothing, than to live this day to day, waiting for  the other shoe to drop.

I think I've finally reached the point to where enough is enough.

I have lived and breathed this disease for 3 1/2 years now.  I'm so over it all.  While I don't want husband to die, I don't want to see him suffer, struggling with the day to day effects of this disease.  It's heartbreaking to watch this. 

We see the new Neurologist in Denver next Wednesday.  I still have his MRI, done in June, on a CD Disk in my purse.  I wonder what this new Dr will see.  What will be his opinion?  Will he see what Dr A saw?  Will he give me a new "Death Date?"  I am looking forward to going, crazy as it sounds.

Until then, I will watch and wait.  It's all I have anymore.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Cruel Intentions

As I mentioned before,  I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Well, after days of anticipation, it happened.

Things had been going so well in the Alzheimer's department.  One could say it was almost normal around here.  Save for the walking issues, slurred speech and the wearing of the diapers, husband was acting decent.  A little grumpy here and there, but, not too bad.

All that changed yesterday.  In the afternoon.  Husband was using the bathroom (still obsessed with going to the bathroom) when he called me in there in a panic.  He told me someone had moved the handle to flush the toilet.  He was thrashing about while sitting on the toilet, shaking the shower curtain, looking for the handle.

I kept telling him the handle was right there, behind him.  He was having none of it.  During these episodes, nothing, and I mean, nothing, will make sense to him.   After about 10 minutes, I guided his hand to the back of the toilet where the handle was.  He seemed to come out of it, somewhat.  He told me that someone was tricking him, was it me who moved the handle?  Try as I might, he did not understand that the handle was not moved, it did not go anywhere and no one had moved it.  Not even me.

He went to sleep around 9 or so.  Around 5:30 this morning, I woke up to hear rattling, a loud unusual sound.  I sat up and there was husband clawing at the blinds and window.  I asked him what was the matter.  He turned to look at me and it was then and there that I realized he did not recognize me.  He didn't ask who I was, just stared at me, with a look of, "who are you?"

When he gets this way, all I can do is coax him back to bed, gently.  He was very quiet while I guided him back on his bed.  He looked so tired and scared.   Like a little boy.  I tucked him back in and got into my bed.

As I laid my head down I gave out a big sigh. 

It's been a nice reprieve, this last month or so.  We've laughed, gone on day trips, enjoyed our "getting to know Colorado".  We've had conversations, mostly with me doing the talking, but him being present for the most part.  We've sat at the dinner table, talking.  He's told me how delicious dinner was.  We've laughed at the dog and his cute little antics. 

Nice little break.  Nice while it lasted, that is.  Now, back to the business of watching Alzheimer's destroy my husband and our life.

I will cherish the last month.  I am sad today.  Sad for a lot of reasons, but, mainly for husband.  In a way, I wish Alzheimer's would completely claim him now.  Quit teasing me with these breaks in between.

How cruel, Alzheimer's.  How cruel.


Monday, September 16, 2013


Round two of the rains have arrived.  I don't think it's as bad as before, but, still, the rains are here.  Let's hope and pray everyone stays safe.

We've had a low key weekend. I took husband and dog with me to Tish's house yesterday to finish up my laundry.  In between loads (I had two) I went with her to the Commissary.  My, that place is huge.  And crowded.  I wasn't impressed with their prices, but, their meat department looked good.  Even Tish says their prices are not that great. 

While up at Tish's house, the rains hit.  I was anxious to get home.  Once we got home, I started a fire in the fireplace.  By dinner time, it was nice and warm in my apartment.

Since Saturday, husband has been so confused and angry.  I deal with it on a daily basis, but, for some reason, he has been in a foul mood for a few days now.  And, everything is my fault.

There are days I just deal with it.  Then, there are days that I feel I might go crazy dealing with it.  Yesterday was one of those days.

Before we left for Tish's house, as I was dressing husband, he did not want to wear the sweats I was putting on him.  He became agitated and said he wanted to wear his Khaki pants with his belt.  I told him that these were warmer and easier to put on (for me) and makes it much easier for when he has to go to the bathroom.  He was having none of it.  I finally told him to knock it off, he was wearing the sweats, like it or not.

From there on out, he was in a fowl mood.  Getting to the car was fun.  I had husband in his walker (I keep the wheel chair in the back of my car), slowly making his way to the car, my cart on wheels with dirty clothes, my purse, my cup of espresso, a plant I wanted to transplant and the dog.  Oh, my dog.  He was so happy and excited to be going bye bye, that he kept jerking his leash, making it difficult for me to handle everything.

Then, there was the loading of the car.  Once I got everything and everyone settled, I let out a big sigh and started the car.  Husband looked at me and said, "I don't know what you are complaining about,  It's just a little walker."

Oh my, I had visions of opening his door and kicking him out.  With his "little walker".  I said nothing.  A big step for me.  And a big Bravo to me as well.  I actually kept my mouth shut.  Of course, the teeth  grinding I did on the way to the base was something to observe.

Once we got into Tish's house (with her help), he said to Tish, "She's in a bad mood today and I don't know why." 

Tish, knowing her mama, steered husband away from me and changed the subject.

What a day.  Then, there was the fun of coming back home, this time with rain pouring, the dog just as excited to get back home, an empty espresso cup in my purse and a bigger, heavier pot with my plant.

Once I got back in the apartment, set everything and everyone down, I went to check on husband.  There he was, walking in the rain and not too pleased about it.  I said nothing.  Again, Bravo to me!!

As I started the fire, all husband said was, "That feels good."

Again.  I said nothing.


Saturday, September 14, 2013

The rain, the rain, my God, the rain!!

I think we are beginning to dry out.  Northern part of Colorado, not so lucky.  On the local news last night there was a lady looking for her 81 yr old dad.  He's still missing.  My heart hurt for her and the rest of the people still looking for family and friends.

Ah, Colorado, such a beautiful state, but, oh, how Mother Nature can turn.

I did go to Tish's house and do my laundry yesterday.  The roads were OK, soaking, saturated, but OK.  We made a quick trip to Target as it was time for me to get new PJ's.  As we drove there, we saw the creek beds and rivers that have been on the news.  They were still roaring and moving fast.  Scary.

I woke up to partially clear skies and very chilly.  The wood I bought for the fireplace is still on my patio, a little wet, but I may have a fire tonight.  Before the rains came, I had asked Tish to cover the wood with some heavy duty plastic I had.  Thankfully she did and the rains hit that night.

Husband has been confused about all this rain.  For some reason, he doesn't understand rain anymore.  He wanted to know all about it, asking me many questions about how the rain causes so much damage.  So, there I was, getting a little nervous on day 3 of constant rain, explaining rain to husband, all the while, looking out my living room windows thinking, "Stop already."

The big decline has not hit yet, but, I'm waiting.  A few little hallucinations here and there.  Mostly very early in the morning.  He has been very grouchy.  Snapping at me during the day.  I ignore it and go about my day. 

I was cooking dinner last night when husband called me into the bathroom.  When I went in there, he was sitting on the toilet, holding his wallet.  He asked me to count his money.  My first thought was,, "Why did you bring your wallet to the bathroom," but, then again, he has Alzheimer's, it's silly to ask him why.

I counted the money, and put it back in his wallet.  He seemed satisfied.  Told him dinner was almost ready and it was time for him to come up to the table.

Took dinner out of the oven and went to check on husband.  I found him in the same place, sitting on the toilet, his money spread out on his legs and sink.


Oh, Alzheimer's.  You have tested me beyond and continue to do so.  How I hate this.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Ms. Fix it

In answer to your question, the above picture of husband was not taken in Manitou Springs.  The picture was taken up in Chama, New Mexico on what was our last camping trip in 2010.  I sometimes look at it now and think, "I thought he was sick back then.  You should see him now."

The rain continues here in the great state of Colorado.  It just wont stop.  I got a little concerned, but, my upstairs neighbor told me we would be fine.  We are supposed to clear somewhat by this afternoon.  I hope so.  Man, I love me a good rain storm, but this is ridiculous.  Poor Manitou Springs.  It's only 20 minutes from here and I think they got flooded during the night.  Such a pretty area too.

Ft Carson got 13 inches of rain last night.  Yeah, it's that bad.  We are 1/4 of a mile from Gate 3, so, you can just imagine we got about the same.  Tish called me last night and said they had lost power as well.  We have not lost power.  So far.

Being that I do my laundry at her house on Friday's, I thought I was not going to be able to do it, but, their power has been restored, so, brave me (not) is going to drive up to her house in a little while.

Husband is holding steady.  Some hallucinations early this morning, but, for the most part, he's doing OK.  The decline is coming, just you wait and see.  I think that's the worst part.  The waiting.  Now that I know what to expect, that it's coming, well, that's the hard part.

Husband has been eating well.  He used to sleep during the day and busy himself in the bedroom.  Here, he stays in the living room with me and does not sleep at all during the day.  That can be bothersome at times, because, he asks questions all day long.  I try to answer in an upbeat tone, but, sometimes, after answering the same question over and over, there is a little edge to my voice.

Husband has all sorts of gadgets.  Now that the bedroom is finally put together, with all of his stuff finally finding a home, he has been taking his stuff out and spreading them on his bed, looking at them.  Not all at the same time, but, a few at a time.  That's all fine and dandy, keeps him out of my hair, but, what he does next would drive a crazy person insane.

He will bring something out and tell me it's broken, I need to get a box and mail it back to the company so they can fix it.  When I tell him it's not broken, he gets very upset.  The trouble is, he has forgotten how to use this gadget so, he thinks it's broken.  He gets emotional.  He may throw a temper tantrum.  He gets agitated. 

Take for instance, the other night.  Husband has this knife he bought a few years back.  It wasn't cheap, a very nice quality pocket knife.  He insisted that it was broken, would not close,  I needed to do something right now.  Being that it was night time here really wasn't anything I could do. 

The next morning when Tish came over, he showed her his "broken knife".  He looked so sad as he was telling her that his knife was broken.  Tish takes the knife, presses the button and lo and behold, the knife closes. 

Husband thinks Tish is a hero.  She can fix anything, he says. 

I wish she could fix anything.  I'd give her husband and say, "Here, it's broken, fix it."

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I wonder.....

I'm feeling much better today.  After I posted, I decided to let this anger run through me and to just deal with it.  By early afternoon, the anger was gone.  Whew, that was a rough one.

I called father in law.  We had a nice talk.  I actually enjoy our talks now.  He's really a wonderful man.  He told me his misses us a lot.  But, as he says, as long as husband is happy, that's all he cares about.

Speaking of husband, he is holding steady.   As I was bathing him yesterday morning, he said, "Isn't it funny?  "He" uses the same washcloth you are using right now," and giggled while he said it.  I was confused.  I said, "Who?"  He smiles real big and says, "The man."

So, "the man" is still here.  Now, I could've let this rattle me, but, being that "the man" has been with us for several months now, I let husband have his giggle time.

I said, "Well, does it bother you that "he" uses the same washcloth?"  Husband closed his eyes and said, "Nope."

So be it.  Leave that one alone.

Could it be that husband has a split personality now?  I wonder.  This disease is so strange.  Husband is following the pattern, but, at times, even the Dr's are perplexed at how his mind is working, or, not working.  He's a case study, that's for sure.

I believe Fall has officially arrived in Colorado.  Today is very cool, with rain expected the rest of the week.  I can't wait to look out my windows and see the leaves turning color.  They say that the Fall here is breathtaking.

Today, we will spend quietly.  I have no plans to go anywhere and want nothing better to do than relax.  It's been a whirlwind month. 

We go to Denver on the 25th of this month to the new Neurologist.  He heads the Neurological unit at the University of Colorado.  According to Dr A, he's one of the best.  I wonder what he will think of husband.  Will he, as Dr A did so many times, look at husband and scratch his head?

Or, will he say in a matter of fact way, "Well, ma'am, it's the nature of the beast".

I wonder.....

Monday, September 9, 2013

No shoes, today. Please

Well, our trip to Manitou Springs didn't go as well as I thought it would.

I can always tell when husband is in one of those moods.  Just by the way he holds his mouth.  So, we did go, but, he was not in a good place.  Plus, the dog wanted to bark at everyone and pull on his leash so hard, I thought my arm would come out of it's socket.

There was one store where the wheelchair would not fit in the aisles.  I wanted to see what was in the back part of the store and I told husband to wait up at the front, I'd be right back.  Of course he didn't listen.  He got stuck in one of the aisles and one of the clerks had to move stuff all around so we could get him out.

After two hours, I was so frustrated, all I wanted to do was just come home and have a pity party for myself.

Driving back down through the little village, I looked at all the people there, walking, darting in and out of shops, husband's holding hands with wives, children laughing, people sitting in the outdoor cafe's and dogs walking with their owners. 

Once we got home, I was helping husband along to our front door and noticed several people at the pool.  I saw kids playing, husband's BBQ'ing and wives sitting in lounge chairs.

I felt such anger swelling up inside of me.  Why can't my life be like that?  Why can't I have a normal life? 

Tish called and said they wanted to stop by.  I warned her ahead of time that I was in a foul mood, but, come at your own risk.   They did stop by and I handled it well.  I was just glad when they left because I wanted to continue my pity party.

This morning, at 5:30, I woke up and husband was not in his bed.  I found him in the bathroom, fiddling with stuff on the counter.  I finally convinced him to get back in bed.  He is not in a good place this morning.

I am still feeling anger.  I am mad at the whole world.  I don't want to feel this way.  I have had bad days in the past, but, this anger I am feeling is not good. 

I have to ride it out.  I will try to keep my mouth shut today and let this anger take it's course.  I suppose it's normal, but, I am very uncomfortable with this kind of anger.  I don't want to take it out on husband, it's not his fault he's sick.  Then, on the other hand, I look at husband and feel resentment welling up inside of me. 

I am waiting for the Home Health Nurse to start coming this week.  That will help.

Ah, life and it's many challenges. 

Today, I don't want to walk in my shoes. 

Maybe I should just go barefoot?

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Home, sweet Home?

I love to post early in the morning.  My head is fresh, my mind clear.  I remember the previous day's events.  Husband is usually asleep, making it easy for me to post before he wakes up and the questions begin.

Not so lucky this morning.  He got up as soon as I did.  I had to give him a haircut, bathe and shave.  Then, it was house cleaning.  I hung the rest of pictures, re-arranged a few things, dusted, vacuumed.  Boy, it looks nice in here. 

I really like this apartment.  It is so big and roomy.  Now, with pictures in the living room, it  looks like home to me.

I go to Tish's house on Friday's to do my laundry.  Last week, I took husband and the dog.  It was just too much.  Yesterday, I left them both at home.  I settled husband in the big chair, in front of the TV and told him he was not allowed to leave.   It's not bad leaving him anymore because he virtually cannot walk.  He said he would sit there until I came home.  I showed him how to answer the phone and left.

I was gone for about 3 hours and tried calling him.  No answer.  I got a little worried, but, the office know to be on the lookout for him when they see my car gone (we live across from the office).  Yes, they are that good.

Un-loaded the car fast, thinking I'll never forgive myself if something happened to husband.  Flew in the front door, and, there was husband, sitting in the same position he was when I left.  With a big grin, he said, "I did what you said.  I didn't move."  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry from relief. I told him I had tried calling a few times.  He looked confused.  He said he never heard the phone ring.  Frustrated, I took the phone and showed it to him.  Then, I looked at it closely.  My bargain $4.00 phone I got at the Goodwill 4 years ago, had finally gone out!!

When I told him the phone wasn't working, he smiled and said, "See, it's the phone's fault.  I was a good boy."

After putting clean clothes away, fresh sheets on both beds, I made a trip to Target where I got a brand new phone.  It actually rings now.  What a concept!!

I am taking husband to Manitou Springs tomorrow.  He is excited about that.  Keeps asking me when is tomorrow.  All we'll do is stroll the sidewalks, me with the dog, husband in his wheel chair.  It's so pretty up there, actually, I'm a little excited too.

Life is settling, I've noticed.  I've gotten a routine again.  I'm beginning to relax a little.  This weather here in Colorado is glorious. 

It's beginning to feel like home to me.  Finally.


Thursday, September 5, 2013

Deck the halls!!

Tish and I went to another Costco nearer my apartment yesterday.  It may have been closer, but, to get there, you had to take surface streets versus straight freeway to the other one.  I decided I will go the freeway route to the farthest one next time.

While we were driving back to my apartment, she asked me, "Do you see yourself staying here forever?"  Without hesitation, I said, "I do."   While I'm not "in love" with the Springs, it is growing on me and the more I venture out, the more I like it.  I certainly don't want to move anytime soon.  I'm still trying to recover from this one.

Husband has adjusted well.  I'm surprised.  He has his little moments when he slips into his own world, but, mood wise, he's been great.

He can't see well at all anymore.  Yesterday morning, I was attaching the leash on the dog.  Husband was to the side of me.  He started making clucking sounds.  I looked up and he was staring into space, making noises like he was calling the dog to him.  It was as if the dog was right in front of him, when in reality, the dog was to the side of him.  A little unsettling for me.

I took the dog out in the afternoon.  A few minutes after I got back in, husband asked me which dog did I take out to go pee.  Now, we only have one dog.  When I told him we have only one dog, he looked into thin air and smiled, as if he knew a secret.

I was in the kitchen and as I came out, he said, "I'm a little stinky."  He had dirtied his diaper.  As I was cleaning him up he said, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to poop my pants."  I had nothing to say, as he's right.  He doesn't mean to do it.  On the other hand, it's not so pleasant for me.  Changing a grown man's diaper?  Not so fun.

Husband's eating has picked up a bit since we moved here.  Must be all that fresh air.  I now have to cut everything up for him because he can't see well enough and his hands have tremors all the time.  He makes a real mess on the table.

All in all, I am finding a routine here.  I keep busy, tending to husband and keeping my apartment clean.  It's nice here. 

I saw at Costco yesterday the Christmas decorations.  Just seeing them made me want to decorate.  I haven't had any desire in the past 3 years to do any decorating. 

This year will be different.

Different is so many other ways.

But, decorate I will!!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A conversation with Mom

We had a really nice day yesterday.  We went with Tish & Jace to a pancake breakfast and then a parade.  It was in Fountain Valley, a small community southeast of the Springs.

It was nice to get out and kind of see just exactly where I am living now.  This little town was so quaint.  I liked the vibe of this community.

Husband enjoyed himself, especially during the parade. 

Colorado must be on a timer.  As soon as it turned September, someone turned off the heat and we are having some glorious weather.  I love it. 

Sunday morning, I noticed a big truck in the parking area, filled with wood.  The office had told me that this guy sells apartment packages of fire wood.  As he was unloading fire wood onto my neighbor's patio, I motioned him to come over.  I asked him what he charged for the wood and how much wood was in this package.  To make a long story short, I am now the proud owner of an apartment package of fire wood.  He told me he starts coming around during the Labor Day holiday because there are lots of orders to fill.  He has now put me on the list and will be here in another 2 weeks.  I am going to get another package, because, as, like he says, "When Winter hits, Winter hits."  Rather be prepared.

My neighbor says by using her fireplace, it saves bundles on the heating bill.  She also said that the fireplaces in this complex are wonderful and heat up the whole apartment.  Am looking forward to my first fire in the fireplace.

I called my mom in the afternoon, to give her our new home phone number.  I was supposed to call her last week, but, with all the unpacking I had to do, it slipped my mind.  She was so happy to hear from me.

I was telling her all about Colorado Springs, the weather, the blue skies, that groceries are cheaper here, my new apartment and how husband handled the move.  She said, "You know honey, you sound so good.  I haven't heard that lift in your voice in such a long time."

Surprised, I said, "I do?  I sound good?"  "Yes, you do.  I'm so glad you honored your husband and took him to Colorado."

When I got off the phone, I sat here and thought about what she said.  I sound good?  I sound happy?
I did the right thing by moving here?

Just thinking about that, made me happy.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

"It's not you. It's me"

Yesterday was busy.  Not only did I do my usual Saturday cleaning, I put the rest of the stuff away.  Moved things around.  It looks nice in here now.

I had gone to Costco 2 weeks ago to get my usual monthly stuff.  I had bought bathroom cleaner, only, at Costco, you have to buy a big package.  The cleaner is tall, heavy cans that comes with 5 cans in a package.  I opened the package on the bathroom sink, took one out, and was putting the package back under the sink when one of the cans fell out of the cut package and landed directly on my big toe.  The foot that I had hurt several months ago when I had fallen outside at the old apartments.  The pain was unreal.  I put ice on it immediately. 

It is now swollen, stiff and beginning to turn a beautiful shade of purple.  There's also a cut where the rim of the can hit my foot with such force that it broke the skin.  Great.  Oh well, I can still walk, just have to baby the foot.  Again.

Husband was locked in his own world all day.  Because I was so busy, I tried to ignore him because I don't like this state.  He did, however, take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon.  I woke him up for dinner.  He ate all of his dinner and went back to his bed.  I turned on the TV for him.  As I was leaving the room he said, "What's for dinner?"  When I told him he had just had dinner, he looked confused, but, said nothing.

He slept all night which I am grateful for.  This morning he seems OK.  Of course, you never know when it will strike again.

I keep forgetting the real reason why we moved here.  Not for this beautiful state.  It is beautiful around here.  The mountains, the rolling, green hills, the Aspen trees, yes, it's really beautiful here.  Even the water tastes good here.  The fresh air.  The expansive blue sky. 

I brought husband here to die.  I have to keep telling myself this.  I try to get comfortable living here, but, then, I think back to when husband told me why he wanted to move here.  I am trying to like it here.  The people are certainly friendly.  I can't say I don't like it here either.  What's not to like?

I really need to get over the fact as to why we moved here and focus on husband and making whatever time he has left to be happy ones.  He says he is looking forward to our first fire in the fireplace.  I need to be like him, I guess.  He knows he's going to die.  And, he's OK with it.

It's me.  I'm having a hard time of it. 

Tish, Jace and the kids are coming today for a BBQ.  The pool is closing tomorrow here.  Husband is looking forward to it. 

Now, I have to put on a happy face.  I wear so many faces nowadays.  And, they're all so fake.  I hate being fake.  Now, if I can just remember where I put the "Happy Face" in this new apartment I should be good to go.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

"I'm baaaaack"

The last few weeks have gone by in a blur.  When I think back, just 3 weeks ago we were loading the moving truck bound for Colorado, it just doesn't seem possible that it was only 3 weeks ago.  Then, there's the 2 weeks spent with Tish & Jace.  That went fast.  Now, here we are today, already in our own place for a week.  Crazy.

During these 3 weeks, husband has been a champ.  There were times I could overlook Alzheimer's.  Well, almost.  It was that good.

For the last 2 days, Alzheimer's has reared it's ugly head and made it's presence known to me once again.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning to find husband not in his bed.  I yelled his name.  Luckily, he answered.  I asked him where he was and he said, "I'm trying to get out."  Jumping out of bed, I ran to the front door.  Not there.  Hearing a noise from the bathroom, I found him there, staring into the mirror.  He was trying to crawl through the mirror to "get out."

My heart sank.  Just when I was beginning to relax too.  Just when I was beginning to enjoy life, just a little.  Just when I felt a little happiness as well.  Throw in a little hope while you're at it.

My 3 week stay has ended.  It was nice while it lasted.  Now, it's time to get to the business of  Alzheimer's.  I feel like a fool, having a little ray of sunshine for the last few weeks.  Who was I kidding?

The beast is back.  And, I didn't miss you!!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Good Day

I watch House Hunters on HGTV a lot.  I love to guess which house they will choose.  Mostly, I am always interested in how much money they have set aside for a house.  Most times, they always go over budget, but, as they explain, the house was so worth it.

Before we moved to Colorado, I too set a budget on housing.  The original apartment was right at my budget, in fact, a little under.  Well, we all know how that turned out. 

When we drove up into this apartment complex, I thought, "Oh dear, this will certainly blow my budget."  While it is more expensive to live here, it's so worth it.  And yes, I did go over budget.  By $50.  But, looking around yesterday, at my apartment, the spaciousness of the apartment, the fireplace,  the view, (oh, that view) the grounds and the general feeling of actually living here, I thought to myself, yes, it was worth it.

I've had time to do my budget over, and found I can still afford to live here.  I surprised myself that I didn't have to go so cheap.  Sometimes, cheap isn't always better.

My drunk neighbors (as I've called them) are actually very nice people.  They just love the spirits more than the average person.  The husband works nights and sleeps all day.  The wife putters around her patio, tending to her flowers.  I was taking boxes to the recycle bin yesterday afternoon with my dog in tow.  Sam (the wife) was tending to her beautiful flowers and asked if I needed any help.  I said no, but, thanked her.  she said, "Well, anytime you need help, I'm right across the hallway."  I think she realized she had overstepped her boundaries.  But, she is nice.

Later, while taking the dog out for a walk, I met my upstairs neighbor.  She is very sweet.  She had her brand new puppy outside and she introduced herself.  She works nights.  Her husband is deployed overseas.  She said he comes home finally in November.  Said it has been a long 15 months.

There are a lot of military living here.  We are about 1/4 of a mile from Ft Carson and just down the street from Gate 3 to the base.  Most mornings, you will see men in uniform leaving for the base.

The apartment is coming together.  There is still organizing and finalizing of where I want my stuff to go, but, it's looking more and more like home.

Husband has been good.  For the most part.  He is in a constant state of confusion, but, happy in his own world.  Wherever he has gone to in his mind, at least he is happy.

His eyesight continues to decline.  It's been more present than in the past.  He will ask me where the dog is, when in fact, the dog is right on my lap.  He will come outside and ask me if he is outside.  He will sit in the living room and ask me if he is in the living room.  When he gets to the bathroom, he will ask me if he's in the right room to use the toilet.

But, he's happy. 

Me?  I'm doing OK.  Worn out from the move, but, OK.  For once, I didn't wake up at the crack of dawn.  I slept until 7 AM.

Off to a good start already this morning.

And, a good day to everyone out there!!       

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Moving Part II

Manitou Springs is a magical place.  Just 20 minutes outside the Springs.  As tired as we all were, it was so worth it.  We talked so much, sitting around the table.  Manitou is one of the places that he original hippies came to in the 60's.  And, they are still there.  Wonderful, friendly and oh so interesting.  Walking, people look at you, smile, comment about the weather, what color shirt you are wearing, just about anything to strike up a conversation.

Our dinner was great.  I was looking forward to getting back to the apartment and having a nice hot shower, enjoying some cable TV and falling into my bed that had been sitting in a U-Haul truck for 2 weeks.

Luckily, the lady neighbor was asleep by the time we got back here.  She lives across the outside hall from us.  She did however, knock on our door yesterday, asking me if I wanted her to take the empty boxes I had set outside to the recycle bin.  I thanked her and she took them.  I'll be friendly, but, that's about it.  I hear from maintenance that she really is a lovely woman, just loves her beer.  Just a tad bit more than others.

Sunday was spent unpacking.  I am taking it easy this time.  My back really hurts.

This apartment is very spacious.  The other apartment in ABQ was so small, I didn't realize just how small it was until we moved here.  I have cupboards and drawers galore.  Space, space and more space.

Our patio and living room windows look out onto the grounds, trees, and the beautiful Cheyenne Mountains.  It's lovely.

The weather here in Colorado is so different from Albuquerque.  While it's still hot, the air is refreshing.  By 6 or 7 PM, it has cooled off and mornings are downright chilly.  Yesterday, I noticed the tops of the trees are beginning to turn a little yellow. 

Husband has been adjusting well.  Is sleeping good at night, but, gets confused as to where the bedroom or bathroom is.  His TV is set up along with his hospital bed, but, he prefers to sit out in the living room and look out the windows or just want to talk,

As I was sitting outside last night, I thought, "OK, you did what was asked of you.  You brought your husband here to die.  Are you ready for it?"

The answer to that is simple.  No.

Who is ever ready for something like that?

Deep in my heart of hearts, I know I did the right thing.  It's just that dying part I can't exactly wrap my head around this time.

I'll get there.  I just need time.

Monday, August 26, 2013

The Move Part I

If I ever, I mean, ever decide to move again, someone, anyone, please reach through cyber space and slap the snot out of me. 

But, it's done.  The kitchen is mostly unpacked.  The living room is in reasonable shape.  The bedroom, ditto.  Dining room, still have to put up the table and chairs.  Bathroom is in an ok state.  Got the patio all set up.

It's beginning to look like a very nice apartment.  I like it here.  But, there's always something funny that happens to me.  Always.

We met our neighbors early Saturday morning.  I had to be here for the cable guy between 8 AM and 10 AM.  I couldn't get the keys until 9 AM, so, for once, I was hoping the cable guy would come a little late. 

They seemed nice, but, I noticed the lady had the gift of gab.  She offered to use her pool key so husband could sit down on a lounge chair, which I gladly took her up on.  Then, I noticed that the husband was drinking something out of a can.  Yes, it was beer, at 8 AM.  Oh well, I thought to myself, to each his own.  She then proceeds to tell me that she gave up driving for drinking.  I couldn't believe she was telling me, a perfect stranger, her life story.  I kept telling myself that maybe she was lonely, needing someone to talk to.

As the unloading began, and the cable guy was here, this lady kept wandering into my apartment, talking and talking, making comments about how nice a TV I had,  looking in boxes and talking some more.  I was trying my best to ignore her, asking her if she could please get out of the way, as we were busy.  She would leave, and re-appear throughout.

I was settling my patio furniture on the patio and suddenly, there she was, again.  Now, our patio is private, so she had to walk through the apartment to get on to the patio.  Everyone was at the truck, except for husband and myself.  She came through the patio door and said, "I thought I saw wicker furniture.  My, that's nice."  I very politely, but, sternly told her to please leave.

When we were done and Justin had set all the TV's, sound system and DVD player up, he and Anne wanted to take us to Manitou Springs for dinner.  As we were leaving, Tish was guiding husband in his wheelchair, coaxing him to sit down.  Out of nowhere,  here comes this lady, by then, with a few under her belt.  She decides she's going to guide husband in his chair.  As she is doing so, she says, "Now, I'm going to hug you, I don't care what your wife thinks, I can hug you all I want.  Oh my, your skin is so nice and soft."

Before Tish or I had time to react, husband pushed her off of him and snarled at her, "Get your damn hands off of me, lady."  She says, "Wow, I was only trying to help, but it looks like you are a very independent man."  She then came up to me and I told her we do not need her help, thank you, but, no thank you.

As we wheeled husband to Tish's van, there were a number of young guys at the BBQ pool area.  One of them ran up and said, "I'm so sorry about that lady here, let me help you."

Once we got in the van an as we were driving out, I looked at Tish and said, "Why, oh why, do drunks always come to me?"  And then, we began to laugh.  Hard, deep, totally exhausted laughs.

I haven't seen this lady since.  Hopefully, she got the message. 

Stay tuned.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Reality Checkbut,

Only two more days until we move into our new apartment.  While I am excited, I'm also not looking forward to the work involved.  Oh well, I signed a 13 month lease, so, looks like I"ll be there for awhile.  Will unpack everything this time.

Husband has been doing fine.  He has slept good through the night and takes naps during the day.  I know he misses his TV, even though he doesn't understand much of what he's watching anymore.  I miss my cable!

Tish and Jace do not have cable.  And, they have no plans to get cable.  We joke back and forth about it.  Am looking forward to Saturday and cable TV.

Living here on base is so interesting.  Every morning, you hear bugle sounds.  If there is a thunder storm upon us, warning sirens will go off and an announcer will tell you about the dangerous lightening.  At 10 PM, Taps will play.  I hear it as I am going to sleep.  Such a haunting sound.

I am adjusting.  I can't say I love it here, nor can I say I don't like it here.  Once we get in our own place, ask me then.

I did not move here because I was so in love with Colorado Springs.  While it is beautiful here,  and the people I've met so far have been wonderful, the traffic is not as bad as Albuquerque, cost of living is comparable to ABQ,  I do love the weather, but no, that is not the reason I moved here.

I brought my husband here to die.  Maybe that's why I don't go around chanting, "Oh, I love it, I love it".

And, that's the reality of it all.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Dancing Butterflies

Can the days go by any slower?  I am so anxious to get into our new apartment.  I want my routine back.  My furniture.  Our beds.  Our everything.

Staying here with Tish & Jace is great.  I just miss having my routine and the quiet of it all.  It's time to get back our life, and what I'm dealing with.

Husband is holding steady.  There have been many hallucinations.  It's something I deal with.  I don't like them, and always get a little uneasy with them, but, as usual, I deal with them.

He woke up in the middle of the night last night.  He didn't know where he was at.  I got him settled back down and he did something that touched my heart.  As I was fixing the blanket, he reached out and touched my knee.  I looked at him.  He had the saddest look in his eyes.  I asked him if he was OK.  His response? 

"I'm so sorry", he said.  Man, did ya have to say that?  I said nothing.

Got husband settled back down, he fell asleep almost immediately.  I sat here in the dark and began to think of when he's gone.  Those middle of the nights thoughts are not good for me.  I imagine people sleeping soundly, tucked in their beds.  It's dark and quiet.  Not good for my health.

I bought a Bistro Dining Set last week for our new dining room.  It has two chairs.  The chairs are high, easier for husband to sit on.  It's really pretty. 

As I sat here early this morning, I imagined me sitting at this dining room set.  In my mind, I could not picture husband sitting across from me. 

I have been emotional lately.  I called my Mom yesterday.  I got so emotional over that.  I suppose it's the finality of it all.  Bringing husband here so he can die.  Kinda hits me in the gut now and then.

Sitting outside yesterday afternoon, a Monarch butterfly kept flying over my head.  I would look up, and it looked like this butterfly was dancing in the air over me.  It would dart out, only to come back and hover above me.  It was comforting in a way.  Scary, but, comforting.

I hope to be posting more positive posts once we get settled.  It's just right now, the reality of it all has finally sunk in and I am having a hard time with it.  Lately, there is a lump in my throat that won't go away.  I am trying hard to shake it.

So, 4 more days to go and I can get settled.  I hope this dark cloud lifts soon.  I don't like being this way.   I need to stay positive for husband.  For me.

No place to go but up?  Right?