For the past few days I have not been feeling so great. Feel achey, run down. It could be a number of things. My nerves for one. Or, the sudden drop in temperature. It rained all day yesterday, cold and damp. I cannot seem to warm up. I attempt to do something, but the aches start. I put some beans in the slow cooker last night. Going to make chilli. Let's hope the other ingredients get in there. Even as I type this, my hands ache. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.
I do not like it when I get sick. Husband drives me crazy when I do. If I ever do go back to bed, which is rare, he will constantly come in and ask me questions. It's like he's scared something will happen to me and who will take care of him.
Husband has not been in a good mood since late yesterday morning. Grouchy, and wanted to argue with me all day yesterday. He was in such a good mood yesterday morning, but all that changed. I just never know when he is going to take a turn for the worse. It happens so suddenly, even after all this time, it still takes me by surprise. And I don't like it.
He is quiet this morning, but all that can change with the drop of the hat. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. He is angry for some reason. It could be the result of him going to see the Physical Therapist, and discussing his disease. He does not like to talk about it at all. Likes to say there is nothing wrong with him.
Don't know what today will bring. I need some rest, but know he will not let me have rest. I will have to ignore whatever is wrong with me, to care for him. That's the way it is now. Will make myself a cup of tea, clean my house, take a hot shower and try to get a nap. There is no time for me to get sick. We run on his time now. If he's good, we are good. If he's bad, we suffer. Like it or not.
Husband's last camping trip
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Physical Therapy
I took husband to see a Physical Therapist yesterday. Am I glad we went. She examined him, put a Gait Belt on him, walked around a track, conferred with another specialist, then, came to talk to me.
She told me that his toes are curling inward, the ankles do not move anymore. The knees, when he attempts to walk, have spastic movements, then lock. She said the reason for all the falling down is that his toes don't lay flat, the ankles are locked up and the knees are very spastic, so, he falls. When he tries to bend his knees, they become spastic.
She wants him to see an Orthotist and, together, they will devise a plan to aid in his walking, for now. She did suggest leg braces to wear during the day. She said they would be most helpful.
It's a good thing Susie (Tyler's fiance) works there. Otherwise the waiting list to get in to see a Physical Therapist is 6 months. We got in in 1 month. Susie pulled some strings, that's for sure. The Physical Therapist laughed about that, said yes, it pays to know people, but, she said, husband's condition warranted him to be seen ASAP.
The thought of braces makes sense. She said they use them for people with Cerebral Palsy alot. Husband has some of the same issues as someone affected with CP. The only difference is, his condition continues to get worse.
When the other specialist was examining husband, she was asking him to do the simpliest movements. "The look" is back, so he didn't understand what she was saying. Then Debbie (our PT) whispered and said, "Frontal Lobe Dementia, talk to the wife". Guess it dawned on her there was something wrong, she just didn't know what.
On the way home all he talked about was how they were going to "cure" him. Didn't see that one coming. My brain screamed "WHAT?", while my heart broke. When we got home, Tish had called, so I called her back. He wanted me to tell her that they had found a "cure" for his walking, that he was going to get braces and everything is going to be fine now. Of course I didn't.
Last night, as I got into bed he started in talking about it again. What do you say? How do you react? Good thing it was dark, didn't want him to see my face. So, I did what I thought was right and agreed with him. What's it going to hurt? If he wants to think that, then so be it. If that makes him happy, I can go along with it. Let them "cure" him, I thought.
Today will be a good day, as husband thinks he's been "cured". And I will go along with that. He's smiling today and playing with the dogs.
She told me that his toes are curling inward, the ankles do not move anymore. The knees, when he attempts to walk, have spastic movements, then lock. She said the reason for all the falling down is that his toes don't lay flat, the ankles are locked up and the knees are very spastic, so, he falls. When he tries to bend his knees, they become spastic.
She wants him to see an Orthotist and, together, they will devise a plan to aid in his walking, for now. She did suggest leg braces to wear during the day. She said they would be most helpful.
It's a good thing Susie (Tyler's fiance) works there. Otherwise the waiting list to get in to see a Physical Therapist is 6 months. We got in in 1 month. Susie pulled some strings, that's for sure. The Physical Therapist laughed about that, said yes, it pays to know people, but, she said, husband's condition warranted him to be seen ASAP.
The thought of braces makes sense. She said they use them for people with Cerebral Palsy alot. Husband has some of the same issues as someone affected with CP. The only difference is, his condition continues to get worse.
When the other specialist was examining husband, she was asking him to do the simpliest movements. "The look" is back, so he didn't understand what she was saying. Then Debbie (our PT) whispered and said, "Frontal Lobe Dementia, talk to the wife". Guess it dawned on her there was something wrong, she just didn't know what.
On the way home all he talked about was how they were going to "cure" him. Didn't see that one coming. My brain screamed "WHAT?", while my heart broke. When we got home, Tish had called, so I called her back. He wanted me to tell her that they had found a "cure" for his walking, that he was going to get braces and everything is going to be fine now. Of course I didn't.
Last night, as I got into bed he started in talking about it again. What do you say? How do you react? Good thing it was dark, didn't want him to see my face. So, I did what I thought was right and agreed with him. What's it going to hurt? If he wants to think that, then so be it. If that makes him happy, I can go along with it. Let them "cure" him, I thought.
Today will be a good day, as husband thinks he's been "cured". And I will go along with that. He's smiling today and playing with the dogs.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Seasons of My Life
Sgt V called Jack yesterday. Because of Jack's high score on his ASFAB, he was able to pick what he wanted to do from a very large list. His first choice was Aero Jet Maintenance. He got it. He will head up the crews on the job. He will travel the world. The world is waiting for him. He will be a fine, solid young man.
To me, he will always be my baby. The last one. The little surprise when I took the pregnancy test, in a joking manner and it said, "pregnant". What? Nine months later on a hot August afternoon, I met my Jack. Bouncing baby boy to say the least. 9 lbs 7 ozs. He was the talk of the maternity ward. They kept him in the nursery for quite a while. When I asked what was taking so long, the nurse said, "he's ordering a green chille cheeseburger". They had to go to Pediatrics to get bigger diapers. The smaller ones were cutting into his legs. So big, so beautiful and so so precious.
He will be leaving in Sept 2012. One month after his 18th birthday. That's it, it's written in stone with the US Air Force. Final. Be still my heart.
This is great news. I am so excited for him. The world at his fingertips. I just wish it were under different circumstances. His dad is dying. He may not ever see him again.
How this will affect husband, I don't know. I hope he is alive still when the time comes for Jack to leave. He may not even know he's gone. Who knows.
When we told husband last night, "the look" was back. Eyes glazed over, that blank, haunting look. Ugly. He smiled and said how great that was. But, I could tell he didn't understand the whole concept. I know this morning he will ask me questions about it, because he won't remember last night. So, I will tell him over and over today what Jack will be doing, when Jack will be leaving. It just won't make sense to him anymore.
My life as I know it will change. I can feel it already. There is a new life waiting for me, a different kind of life I have never known. No kids, no husband. Will I like this new life? Tish said one time, "Maybe you'll meet someone, Mom". No, no thank you. Been there, done that.
So, on to the next chapter of my life. I don't know where it'll take me. The memories of husband will be enough to sustain me. I loved and was loved. I was the lucky one.
To me, he will always be my baby. The last one. The little surprise when I took the pregnancy test, in a joking manner and it said, "pregnant". What? Nine months later on a hot August afternoon, I met my Jack. Bouncing baby boy to say the least. 9 lbs 7 ozs. He was the talk of the maternity ward. They kept him in the nursery for quite a while. When I asked what was taking so long, the nurse said, "he's ordering a green chille cheeseburger". They had to go to Pediatrics to get bigger diapers. The smaller ones were cutting into his legs. So big, so beautiful and so so precious.
He will be leaving in Sept 2012. One month after his 18th birthday. That's it, it's written in stone with the US Air Force. Final. Be still my heart.
This is great news. I am so excited for him. The world at his fingertips. I just wish it were under different circumstances. His dad is dying. He may not ever see him again.
How this will affect husband, I don't know. I hope he is alive still when the time comes for Jack to leave. He may not even know he's gone. Who knows.
When we told husband last night, "the look" was back. Eyes glazed over, that blank, haunting look. Ugly. He smiled and said how great that was. But, I could tell he didn't understand the whole concept. I know this morning he will ask me questions about it, because he won't remember last night. So, I will tell him over and over today what Jack will be doing, when Jack will be leaving. It just won't make sense to him anymore.
My life as I know it will change. I can feel it already. There is a new life waiting for me, a different kind of life I have never known. No kids, no husband. Will I like this new life? Tish said one time, "Maybe you'll meet someone, Mom". No, no thank you. Been there, done that.
So, on to the next chapter of my life. I don't know where it'll take me. The memories of husband will be enough to sustain me. I loved and was loved. I was the lucky one.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Questions for me
It poured rain all day yesterday. Very chilly. I started out with all the doors and windows open. Slowly, throughout the day, windows were closing, windows on the storm door was closed, my capris turned into long pants, socks were added and, finally, a sweater. When I went to bed, it was still raining, so I fell asleep to the soud of rain. Peaceful.
Husband seems OK. Was confused several times yesterday. A little on the grumpy side. I had some split pea soup for dinner. He liked that. Seemed quiet but relaxed by dinner time.
His legs are getting very stiff. He had alot of difficulty getting from the bed to the bathroom last night. His legs looked like two boards trying to bend. It's pitiful watching him attempt to walk normal anymore. You can see the struggle on his face.
When he stumbles, he always makes an excuse as to why he stumbled. Says the carpet wrinkled up, the dog made him stumble, he couldn't see because it was dark, someone got in his way, and so on. I don't say anything, just let him vent.
I don't believe he has accepted he has this disease. There is still a struggle going on inside him. Who can blame him?
It might be easier when he gets so far gone. He won't know anything anymore. Therefore, he won't fight it as he does now. Then, I feel guilty for feeling this way. How can I "look forward" to him not remembering anything anymore? What kind of a person am I?
I have to shake myself when I get these feelings of guilt. It's not that I want him to die, I just don't want him to suffer anymore. Is that OK to feel this way? Don't know, but it's the way I feel.
Last night, husband fell asleep early, Jack fell asleep early, Kristen was at work. I sat here alone, watching TV. I felt alone. It was not a good feeling. Then, I started thinking, (not a good thing for me), one day I will be alone. I will watch TV alone, eat alone, live alone. Can I do this? Or, should I move with Tish & Jace? Still so many unanswered questions for me.
When I got up this morning, the questions came at me again. In a weird place today. Gonna have to let time take care of itself.
Husband seems OK. Was confused several times yesterday. A little on the grumpy side. I had some split pea soup for dinner. He liked that. Seemed quiet but relaxed by dinner time.
His legs are getting very stiff. He had alot of difficulty getting from the bed to the bathroom last night. His legs looked like two boards trying to bend. It's pitiful watching him attempt to walk normal anymore. You can see the struggle on his face.
When he stumbles, he always makes an excuse as to why he stumbled. Says the carpet wrinkled up, the dog made him stumble, he couldn't see because it was dark, someone got in his way, and so on. I don't say anything, just let him vent.
I don't believe he has accepted he has this disease. There is still a struggle going on inside him. Who can blame him?
It might be easier when he gets so far gone. He won't know anything anymore. Therefore, he won't fight it as he does now. Then, I feel guilty for feeling this way. How can I "look forward" to him not remembering anything anymore? What kind of a person am I?
I have to shake myself when I get these feelings of guilt. It's not that I want him to die, I just don't want him to suffer anymore. Is that OK to feel this way? Don't know, but it's the way I feel.
Last night, husband fell asleep early, Jack fell asleep early, Kristen was at work. I sat here alone, watching TV. I felt alone. It was not a good feeling. Then, I started thinking, (not a good thing for me), one day I will be alone. I will watch TV alone, eat alone, live alone. Can I do this? Or, should I move with Tish & Jace? Still so many unanswered questions for me.
When I got up this morning, the questions came at me again. In a weird place today. Gonna have to let time take care of itself.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
To Be Alone
Woke up to gloomy skies and chilly weather. I love rainy days. Nothing like hunkering down and listening to the rain.
Husband has remained the same. Lots of confusion. He was wandering again in the night. On Sunday, I called in his Rx for the anti-seizure med. He followed me all of Sunday, reminding me to pick up his meds Monday morning. As soon as he got up yesterday, he was once again reminding me I had to go get his meds.
I left him at home with Kristen. Because it's a controlled substance, I can't pick it up at the UNM Pharmacy near my home. Have to go to the main hospital pharmacy. That place is a zoo. When I got there, the parking lot was full. As I got inside, it was standing room only. I took a numbered ticket, looked at my number, looked at the board to see what numbers were being called. They were on 557 and my number was 594. Lovely. At least I was alone. Didn't have to answer questions to anyone. I savored the time, not talking, and just observed all the crazy people there.
I sat next to a lady who did nothing but swing her legs and say, "shit", over and over. So, for 40 minutes or so, I meditated to the sound of "shit". Actually, it was OK because I got to be alone.
Since husband doesn't have to remind me of his meds anymore, he has been a little better. The eyes are blank. Empty looking. When I was cooking dinner last night, he stood right by me, watching my every move. I finally told him to leave the kitchen and he got mad. Real mad. Shuffled off to the bedroom where he pouted for a few minutes, then, came back and hovered around me again. I felt like I was being suffocated.
These times are really hard on me. I sometimes don't know if I'm coming or going. I hate this. Today I am hoping I can take him to his dad's. That gives me some alone time that I crave.
We go on Thursday to Physical Therapy. Let's hope they give him the four pronged cane he needs. Or, decide a walker would be best. I have noticed his left arm is starting to look spastic. He almost fell at church Sunday. Kristen caught him before he fell. He was very upset about that. It must be so frustrating for him. I feel so bad for him. I see him struggling to walk "normal" like the rest of us and it breaks my heart. He looks pitiful. People stare at him. He sees them, I see them. The look they give him hurts me, for him. One day I will say something to those who judge him by the way he walks.
He was once a fantastic husband, a doting father. An avid fisherman, hunter and loved nothing better than to go to the mountains. What he is now is awful. It's all I have left of him.
So here's to a new day. A day filled with many questions, frustrations and confusion. Ready, set, go.
Husband has remained the same. Lots of confusion. He was wandering again in the night. On Sunday, I called in his Rx for the anti-seizure med. He followed me all of Sunday, reminding me to pick up his meds Monday morning. As soon as he got up yesterday, he was once again reminding me I had to go get his meds.
I left him at home with Kristen. Because it's a controlled substance, I can't pick it up at the UNM Pharmacy near my home. Have to go to the main hospital pharmacy. That place is a zoo. When I got there, the parking lot was full. As I got inside, it was standing room only. I took a numbered ticket, looked at my number, looked at the board to see what numbers were being called. They were on 557 and my number was 594. Lovely. At least I was alone. Didn't have to answer questions to anyone. I savored the time, not talking, and just observed all the crazy people there.
I sat next to a lady who did nothing but swing her legs and say, "shit", over and over. So, for 40 minutes or so, I meditated to the sound of "shit". Actually, it was OK because I got to be alone.
Since husband doesn't have to remind me of his meds anymore, he has been a little better. The eyes are blank. Empty looking. When I was cooking dinner last night, he stood right by me, watching my every move. I finally told him to leave the kitchen and he got mad. Real mad. Shuffled off to the bedroom where he pouted for a few minutes, then, came back and hovered around me again. I felt like I was being suffocated.
These times are really hard on me. I sometimes don't know if I'm coming or going. I hate this. Today I am hoping I can take him to his dad's. That gives me some alone time that I crave.
We go on Thursday to Physical Therapy. Let's hope they give him the four pronged cane he needs. Or, decide a walker would be best. I have noticed his left arm is starting to look spastic. He almost fell at church Sunday. Kristen caught him before he fell. He was very upset about that. It must be so frustrating for him. I feel so bad for him. I see him struggling to walk "normal" like the rest of us and it breaks my heart. He looks pitiful. People stare at him. He sees them, I see them. The look they give him hurts me, for him. One day I will say something to those who judge him by the way he walks.
He was once a fantastic husband, a doting father. An avid fisherman, hunter and loved nothing better than to go to the mountains. What he is now is awful. It's all I have left of him.
So here's to a new day. A day filled with many questions, frustrations and confusion. Ready, set, go.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The Days of My Life
Not much news around here this morning. Yesterday was heavy house cleaning. My house sparkles. Made an early dinner then off to church.
I decided not to continue with the Support Group I joined earlier this summer. There is a small group at church that meets at a house every Friday. In this group, there are people who are struggling with finances and everyday living. Jackie and her husband (I forgot his name) head this group are very nice and down to earth. I believe I will fit in better with this group. Husband will go with me, as it is a couples support group. There is also another group at church that is for people who have lost or are losing a loved one. That one meets every Thursday night. I am going to check that one out as well. Jackie told me about this group, said I would benefit from this.
Husband has stayed pretty much the same for the last few days. He can always sense that he has pretty much worn me out. Seems like he backs off. The questions continue to come, I repeat myself over and over, he does things that rattle me and, just when I get to stroke level, he will back off a bit. Funny how he can sense that he has taken me to the brink. Maybe it's because he realizes what he has done? I don't know.
Woke up in the middle of the night. Husband was not in bed. Was wandering around in the house. He came back to bed and fell asleep. I started to think about all the what if's. What if he went outside and got lost? What if he started driving? How can I lock him in the house? His mother used to wander. She would take her clothes off, then go walking in the neighborhood. My father in law would be called at work, have to leave work and go find her. Until he brought someone in to stay with her during the day, this happened alot. I remember that. Is it starting? Will I wake up one morning, finding him gone? What do I do? I gave up and at 6:30 got up and made an espresso, still thinking. Husband got up with me. He is quiet this morning, maybe he is thinking too. Maybe it scared him too. I won't bring it up, it will only upset him.
These are the days of my life now. I am always comparing him to his mother lately. Maybe because when I came into the picture, she was in the last stages. She couldn't walk anymore, memory was poor at it's best. Husband would sit with her on Saturdays so father in law could work. He would come home and tell me about his day with her. He would be upset that his mother had turned into a helpless child. And, I remembered what he said towards the end of her life.
He had a particular hard time with her that day. She did not know him anymore, kept asking him to leave, as her husband would be home soon and she needed to "straighten up" the house. Husband told her he was her son, "Mom, it's Leon", he told her. There was not a hint of recollection in her face.
When he came home, after telling me all of this, he said, "Man, if I ever get that, take me in the back yard and shoot me in the head".
I often think back to that day. He did get it. He's like her now. And, he knows he will die. He isn't that far gone........yet. He will be, soon enough. There's one thing I will not do. I will not take him in the backyard and shoot him in the head.
I decided not to continue with the Support Group I joined earlier this summer. There is a small group at church that meets at a house every Friday. In this group, there are people who are struggling with finances and everyday living. Jackie and her husband (I forgot his name) head this group are very nice and down to earth. I believe I will fit in better with this group. Husband will go with me, as it is a couples support group. There is also another group at church that is for people who have lost or are losing a loved one. That one meets every Thursday night. I am going to check that one out as well. Jackie told me about this group, said I would benefit from this.
Husband has stayed pretty much the same for the last few days. He can always sense that he has pretty much worn me out. Seems like he backs off. The questions continue to come, I repeat myself over and over, he does things that rattle me and, just when I get to stroke level, he will back off a bit. Funny how he can sense that he has taken me to the brink. Maybe it's because he realizes what he has done? I don't know.
Woke up in the middle of the night. Husband was not in bed. Was wandering around in the house. He came back to bed and fell asleep. I started to think about all the what if's. What if he went outside and got lost? What if he started driving? How can I lock him in the house? His mother used to wander. She would take her clothes off, then go walking in the neighborhood. My father in law would be called at work, have to leave work and go find her. Until he brought someone in to stay with her during the day, this happened alot. I remember that. Is it starting? Will I wake up one morning, finding him gone? What do I do? I gave up and at 6:30 got up and made an espresso, still thinking. Husband got up with me. He is quiet this morning, maybe he is thinking too. Maybe it scared him too. I won't bring it up, it will only upset him.
These are the days of my life now. I am always comparing him to his mother lately. Maybe because when I came into the picture, she was in the last stages. She couldn't walk anymore, memory was poor at it's best. Husband would sit with her on Saturdays so father in law could work. He would come home and tell me about his day with her. He would be upset that his mother had turned into a helpless child. And, I remembered what he said towards the end of her life.
He had a particular hard time with her that day. She did not know him anymore, kept asking him to leave, as her husband would be home soon and she needed to "straighten up" the house. Husband told her he was her son, "Mom, it's Leon", he told her. There was not a hint of recollection in her face.
When he came home, after telling me all of this, he said, "Man, if I ever get that, take me in the back yard and shoot me in the head".
I often think back to that day. He did get it. He's like her now. And, he knows he will die. He isn't that far gone........yet. He will be, soon enough. There's one thing I will not do. I will not take him in the backyard and shoot him in the head.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Bring It On
This rather "normal" period we were having has come to an end. Husband started to decline on Thursday. Makes me sad. Husband has been so lost. By yesterday morning, he didn't know if he was coming or going.
I had to run errands yesterday morning. Bank, Pharmacy, WalMart, Petco and Costco. All just for a few things at each store. Said I would be gone for a few hours. I needed this time alone. He would only be able to make it through 1 store, so that would mean I'd have to leave him in the car while I did the rest of the shopping. I am not a shopper. I go in, get what I need and leave. But to leave him in the car is not good. So, I told him to stay home and I'd hurry. From 6:30 AM to 7:45 AM yesterday morning, I told him 5 times where I was going. By the time I took Jack to school, I was frustrated from repeating myself. I told him I'd be right back, eat breakfast, then leave around 9:00 AM.
When I pulled in the driveway after taking Jack, he came out of the house, trying to walk fast, almost falling in the process and got on the passenger side of the car. I rolled down the window, thinking something bad happened. I say, "what's wrong?" "Nothing", he says, "Where is all the stuff from Costco?" I take a deep breath, "Honey, I took Jack to school, remember? I'm not going until after 9." "But, you said you were going to Costco." Ugh. That's how my day yesterday started.
I mentioned earlier this week that the garbage disposal had plugged. I was still having issues all week. Got some Liquid Plumber. When I got home, I poured some down the drain. All the while, husband was telling me it wouldn't work. And silly me, I am trying to explain to him how it would work. Don't ever try this at home folks. It could be damaging to your mental health. After about 15 minutes, the clog was clear. He looks at the drain, all clear, picks up the container of Liquid Plumber and declares it a miracle. He then goes to Kristen, telling her all about this miracle stuff that healed the garbage disposal. She looked at me with such sadness, I looked at her sternly, giving her that look that said, "just go along with it." What an actress she is. She smiled and told him how wonderful that was. As she was helping me put away things, there were tears running down her face. It always affects the kids this way.
OK, bring it on. I am ready for it. I don't like it, but, here it is. Cherish what once was, deal with what I have left.
I had to run errands yesterday morning. Bank, Pharmacy, WalMart, Petco and Costco. All just for a few things at each store. Said I would be gone for a few hours. I needed this time alone. He would only be able to make it through 1 store, so that would mean I'd have to leave him in the car while I did the rest of the shopping. I am not a shopper. I go in, get what I need and leave. But to leave him in the car is not good. So, I told him to stay home and I'd hurry. From 6:30 AM to 7:45 AM yesterday morning, I told him 5 times where I was going. By the time I took Jack to school, I was frustrated from repeating myself. I told him I'd be right back, eat breakfast, then leave around 9:00 AM.
When I pulled in the driveway after taking Jack, he came out of the house, trying to walk fast, almost falling in the process and got on the passenger side of the car. I rolled down the window, thinking something bad happened. I say, "what's wrong?" "Nothing", he says, "Where is all the stuff from Costco?" I take a deep breath, "Honey, I took Jack to school, remember? I'm not going until after 9." "But, you said you were going to Costco." Ugh. That's how my day yesterday started.
I mentioned earlier this week that the garbage disposal had plugged. I was still having issues all week. Got some Liquid Plumber. When I got home, I poured some down the drain. All the while, husband was telling me it wouldn't work. And silly me, I am trying to explain to him how it would work. Don't ever try this at home folks. It could be damaging to your mental health. After about 15 minutes, the clog was clear. He looks at the drain, all clear, picks up the container of Liquid Plumber and declares it a miracle. He then goes to Kristen, telling her all about this miracle stuff that healed the garbage disposal. She looked at me with such sadness, I looked at her sternly, giving her that look that said, "just go along with it." What an actress she is. She smiled and told him how wonderful that was. As she was helping me put away things, there were tears running down her face. It always affects the kids this way.
OK, bring it on. I am ready for it. I don't like it, but, here it is. Cherish what once was, deal with what I have left.
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