Laughter, the best medicine!!

Thought I'd change the main  page.  It was time for a face lift.

We woke up to bitter cold and snow.  It has been foggy all day.  I like it, except, I had to go to the pharmacy, Petco and grocery store.  Roads were pretty bad, but, I took my time and made it home safe.

I like to get out like that and challenge myself.  Driving slow, watching for the other guy, trying not to skid, I love it.  I know, sounds crazy and not so normal, but, I never claimed to be normal.

On the Alzheimer's side,  things are just about the same.  There has been lots of strange behavior and delusions but, other than that, it's OK.

For some reason known only to husband, on his way to the bathroom, he will open the closet door then proceed to the bathroom.  Lately, when coming into the living room, he will forget to get his walker.  When I remind him to get it, he gets really confused and starts to spin while holding onto my bed.  He also starts to move the bedroom door back and forth.  It may take him a good 15 minutes before he calms down and gets his walker.

As I was putting him to bed Saturday night he said, "Wasn't that a good idea I had?"  Now, me being the actress that I am said, "which one?"  He smiled and said, "the one where I took popsicle sticks and put them in wax and made new popsicles, remember?"  "Oh, yes, I do remember, good idea."

Later, I got a popsicle out, looked at it and had to chuckle.  And then, I had to laugh out loud.  And, as I ate it, I said to no one, "Funny, doesn't taste like wax."

Leave it to husband to make me laugh.

An Alzheimer's Poem

"Do not ask me to remember,

Don't try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you're with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand,

I'm confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost,

All I know is that I need you to be

with me at all cost,

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry,

I cannot help the way I am acting,

Can't be different though I try,

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don't fail to stand beside me,

Love me 'til my life is done."

"Just me"

Awwh, as much as I enjoyed the Holidays this year, I am relieved to get back to more of a routine.  And, I have been posting more again.  It all feels good.

Husband woke up Saturday morning completely lost.  He didn't know where he was, who he was, and kept telling me he did not fit into our apartment.  This lasted all day long.  I kept thinking that him saying he didn't fit, maybe he was telling me he didn't fit into this world anymore. 

At one point, in the afternoon, I finally got him to sit in the living room on the couch.  He kept staring all around, trying, I think, to find something familiar.  Our dog jumped on the couch.  Husband looked at the dog and said, "Well hello little dog, what is your name?"

Unsettling.

Yesterday was OK.  Still lots of confusion, still that blank stare, but, better.

When Nurse J came this morning, I told her about his weekend.  She said she would check him over.  When she got ready to leave, she was rattled by his sudden change in behavior.

My wood man came on the first.  Boy, he stocked me up with wood.  Jace came on Saturday and split a lot of the big logs.  He does that every weekend.  Nothing better than a nice big fire, crackling wood and the warmth it gives off.  I love it.

My lease was up here, but, I decided to re-new the ease for another year.  The thought of moving makes me tired and, with husband so lost, I didn't want to further aggravate the situation by moving to a new, unfamiliar place.

We live in the southern part of the Springs.  Practically every place I go to is in the northern part.  We do however, have a big shopping center at the end of our street.  I do my main grocery shopping there, but, Costco and Trader Joe's are at the upper end of the city.

When husband is gone, I plan on moving a littler farther north.  I'll get a small, 1 bedroom.  Room enough for just me.

I think that way a lot lately.  "Just me" is what I now end a lot of my conversations with.

A little scary at times to think about it, but, on the other hand, I am ready.

2015

2015.  Time is going by so fast.  Some New Years Eve for me.  I went to bed at 9:30.  It just doesn't mean that much to me anymore.

I woke up around 2 AM, laid there and started thinking.  I should not think that deep, even in the early morning hours.  This feeling has come over me.  As I mentioned before, the Dr's told me 3-5 years.  Time is up.  I know it now.  I feel it now.  I dread it now.

Yesterday morning, one of the head nurses came by to do their home visit update.  Our regular nurse had just left.  She started talking to husband.  Of course, his response was hard even for me to understand.  When she was done, she gave me that look, shook her head and asked me if I had completed the paperwork for his DNR.  I told her I had and she said, "Good.  You will need that."

Husband looks forward to the nurse coming though.  She is a great person and relates to husband.  We have come to love her.  When husband does something out of the ordinary, she will make light of it and just continue with her care for him.

She did, however, tell me yesterday that she has noticed a big change in him.  She said that he cannot understand her when she will ask him to lift a leg into the bathtub or, hold arms up so she can put a clean shirt on him.  Any directions, he just can't grasp it anymore.

His eyesight is really bad as well.  When you talk to him, he does what a blind person does.  He will look in the direction of your voice, but, does not look directly at you.  Usually, he looks over the top of my head, towards the ceiling.  It's disturbing for me to look at him.

Dr A in Albuquerque told me the optical part of the brain was involved and he would continue to lose his eyesight.  When we moved here to Colorado and saw his new Neurologist in Denver, Dr F, he agreed.

Now, it has come to pass.  Husband is going blind. 

Husband doesn't talk much anymore, but, when he does, it's garbled, making no sense. 

The other morning, he called me into the bedroom.  I went in and there was standing next to his bed.  He said, "What do you think, 16 or 17?"  I, being used to this by now, said, "16 will be fine."

I had to chuckle at that one. 

So, here's to 2015.  I will hold on tight.

Whew, a very rough couple of days.

Husband has slipped so badly these last few days. 

The other morning, I had to run to the grocery store and left him with Kristen.  When I got home, she told me that right after I had left, he had taken his clothes off and asked her what to do with his clothes.  That really shook her up.  She was crying as she told me.  She got him dressed, again, but, he was so confused as to why she was dressing him.

I went to check the mail and instead of walking, I took the car.  Our mailboxes are at the front of the complex and we live in the back.  It was bitter cold and windy, so I took the car.  I was gone for maybe 5 minutes.  When I walked in the door, husband had come out of Kristen's bedroom.  I asked him what he was doing and he said he had been looking for me.  Thank goodness I hadn't been gone any longer or else he may have tried to get out the front door.

It's getting scary.

This morning at breakfast, I put his food in front of him.  Now, when I do this, I have to show him his food, tell him what it is and put the fork or spoon in his hand.  When I do this, I also have to close his hand around the silverware.  This morning was no different.  I went back into the kitchen, loaded dishes in the dishwasher, tidied up and finally got my breakfast.  When I went back into the dining room (about 10 minutes later), there he was, still sitting there, fork in hand, staring at the ceiling.

Our dog, Snowball, loves to get on husband's bed in the morning and lick him.  This morning, as Snowball was doing this, I asked husband what the dog's name was.  It took him some minutes, then he said, very softly, "Snowball?"

The "Holding Pattern" has lifted.

Time to put my seat belt on and find those big girl pants again.

I may be in for a rough ride.

Christmas 2014

I hope your Christmas was filled with family, friends and the Birth of Christ.

Husband did not understand it was Christmas.  He had to be shown how to unwrap his gifts and when he did, I had to tell him what it was as he couldn't tell if it was a package of socks or a new pair of flannel pants.  Because he doesn't wear regular pants anymore, I bought him 4 new pair of those fleece pants to help keep him warm.

For the past few years, I have dreaded the Holidays.  This year was so different.  There was joy in my heart. 

One would think that with the death of my Mother earlier this year and now with husband being so far gone, I would've been so sad.  Just the opposite.  I even sang a few Christmas songs to my dog!!!

Dinner was good.  Tish, Jace and the kids came.  There was laughter in my home.  Husband, although so confused by all the activity, smiled, nodded when spoken to and seemed content.

It was all I could ask for.

Next week is the beginning of a new year.  I don't know what this new year will bring, but I am ready for whatever.  In all probability, husband will die, but, it's OK.

It just has to be OK.

Hallelujah

Another post?  I am trying to get back into posting on a regular basis.  Making the time is an issue and there are days I just don't want to talk about Alzheimer's at all.

I have been thinking all day about what husband said to me last year this time.  He told me that last Christmas would be his last.  Here we are with another Christmas less than a week away and he's still here.

When husband was diagnosed in April of 2010, they told me 3-5 years.  With 2015 looming, I keep thinking that the 5 year mark will be up.

Just lost, deep in thought today.

Today was also the end of Home Health Care.  However, with Divine Intervention, Home Health Care will continue until the end.  Big sigh of relief here and grateful. So grateful.

Husband's blood pressure took a dive this morning.  Luckily, the nurse was here and with a little activity, it came back up.  Still low, but, not at a dangerous low. 

Husband seems in good spirits today.  Confused most of the time, lost in his own world, but, spirits seem up.

The stripping of the bed continues in the middle of the night.  Why it doesn't wake me up, I'll never know.  I wake up in the morning and find him at the end of the bed with no covers on.  Strange, very strange.

I had read that an Alzheimer's patient loves to take their clothes off at the end.  Husband does this, on occasion, but, it's the stripping of the bed I have never heard about.

Here's to a good day.  I try to grab onto these good days and try to remember when we have dark days.

Can I get a Hallelujah???