Double Edged Sword

Not much going on yesterday. We spent a low key day. I finished up laundry, checked online for any job postings and observed husband.

Since I had to up his daytime meds, I wanted to see if it had any effect on him. It sure did. His body may have to adjust to the strength I am now giving him. After his breakfast, I gave him the new strength, then went about laundry, dishes, the usual.

After about 1 1/2 hours, I went into check on him. He was awake, but seemed in a stupor. I asked him if he was ok, he said yes, very relaxed. Well, that's the idea. He wanted a coke, so, I ran to 7-11 to get him one. He used to go there a lot and is well known and liked there. One lady, Ruth, always asks about him. She always says, "how is HE doing today?" She is a sweetie. I told her all about our visit with Dr A, she shook her head and her eyes watered up. As I left, she said, very softly, "you tell him I'm thinking of him". I told him and he seemed to like that.

As far as any job offers or interviews for that matter, nothing. I mean, nothing. I am beginning to wonder just what all of this means. With my qualifications (not bragging, just sayin') I should have had several responses by now. The phone remains silent, the emails are not pouring in.

Does God want me to be home? Is it His will that I NOT work outside the home? And, if so, how can I make it financially? I am confused. I have felt so strongly the prayers coming my way, felt so reassured that a job opportunity would come my way. Once again, the phone remains silent, the emails are not pouring in.

I will do what God wants me to do. If it means I have to struggle financially, then, so be it. I won't like it, but, this will be His will. Maybe I'm supposed to be here, at home, for husband?

The idea of working outside the home is OK for me. Granted, I do like being home, but don't like the idea of this constant financial struggle. I also like the "working outside the home routine" as well. Paychecks are nice as well.

I'm confused and discouraged today. Do I question God, asking him "Why, Lord, I need more financial stability, why?" Or, do I relax, let things happen and roll with the punches?

Either way, it's easier said than done. I need some reassurance that I can obtain a position, somewhere, somehow. Could it be that the "right" job has not been found yet? One can drive oneself crazy thinking of all the what if's and why's. And, I'm doing a good job of that, for sure.