The past few days have been upsetting to me. Husband seems to be in a constant state of confusion. There has been no break in this. The tremors come and go all day, all night. I am going to call the Dr. I think he needs to be seen, maybe there is something else he can take to slow the tremors down. I don't know.
His attempt at walking is awful and pitiful. Yesterday morning, he got dressed, came out to me and said, "I didn't put my braces on, I'm going to go see my dad, but I will put them on when I get there." He has been ordered by all Dr's not to drive, and, he doesn't, I won't let him. Where this came from, I have no idea. I told him that he has to wear the braces all the time. He said that he can't drive with the braces on. I sat him down and explained that he can no longer drive. His legs are too weak. His truck is a stick shift, making it difficult for him to shift. He got very angry with me, said he did not want to talk to me. I held my ground, told him I was doing this to protect him, not to harm or embarrass him. He started to cry, said his life was over and there was no need to go on. Jack came to me and said, "Mom, don't let him drive. You have to stop him." I let Jack know husband would not listen to me, so, Jack went into the room and told his dad that he can no longer drive. Seemed to work, husband listened to him. I'll remember that next time and let Jack do the talking.
Oh boy. Later, he wanted to go Sports Authority and look around. I firmly told him he was not driving anywhere, but, he said Jack would drive him. Jack gladly took him.
Even calling the Dr will not be of much help. But, I feel more comfortable letting him see husband, examining him. I know the disease is taking over his body, ravaging it. I know that.
There are days that I say I can do it. Then there are days that I shake all day long. I hope I am strong enough. I have to be. He is a toughie, for sure. Stubborn and prideful. He has just enough fight left in him to where he argues with me over the smallest of things. I'd like to think it makes him still feel like a man. Most of the time, I'm amused by it, sometimes, not so amused.
So, here I am today. Don't know what today will bring as husband is not awake yet. Who knows?
Every morning I wake up with a little spark of hope. Hope that I will have a good day, hope that husband will be "with it", hope that I will once again see life in my husband's eyes and, hope that we will laugh.
I think I miss that the most. The laughter.
Ever since I first found your blog via a post you left at a blog hop at Kelly's Korner blog, I have been mesmerized by your strength, and by the piercing honesty of your writing.
ReplyDeleteI am in a very small way walking this journey with you. I look for and read your posts each day. Often, your posts leave me breathless - the honesty, the beautiful pain, the stunned, silent struggling, your amazing writing -- it leaves me breathless.
I have no idea what it is like to loose a husband. I know grief; my husband and I lost a young son about 8-9 years ago. But I know losing a son and losing a husband are different. Still, if you need a quiet, anonymous place to vent grief and anger, and I know the value of that!, please email me any time.
Blessings,
Johanna