"On Call" Mom

Yesterday was trying to say the least. I was wiped out by end of day.

I called Dr A, we have an appointment on the 25th of this month. That's the soonest I could get him in. Dr A heads up the Mind Science Center at UNMH, he's very busy, but, a very good Dr. I don't know him as well as our other Dr, Dr Q, but, I trust in him. I am going to fax or email a list of my concerns pertaining to husband. That way, when we go in, we can eliminate the questions and concerns I have regarding husband's condition. Sort of give him a heads up on what's going on to date.

I take husband to Physical Therapy today. He doesn't seem to want to go. He tires easily nowadays. I have a few errands to run, so, I will take him in, then off to my errands. Susie works there, she will make sure he doesn't get lost or wander off.

I was sad all day yesterday. Quiet last night. It's sad watching husband struggle daily. It's sad watching him fight this disease. It's sad watching him stumble while trying to walk. It's sad listening to him make excuses as to why he stumbled. When we are walking, if I notice he's about to fall, I grab onto his upper arm. He always shrugs my hand away. Says he's fine, he knows how to walk.

Husband works harder fighting this awful monster than he has ever done before this horrific disease came into our lives. He knows he's fighting a loosing battle, he knows eventually he will lose that battle, but he continues to fight anyway.

And it's hard on me, Jack & Kristen watching him fight. It bothers the kids more than it does me. It hurts them to see him struggle daily with his memory loss and ability to walk. They always look to me as if I can stop it. Mom always takes care of everything, but, I can't fix this.

The jerking last night was severe. It's hard for me to go to sleep at night. Just when I start to doze off, the tremors will start, waking me up. This goes on for about 2 hours after I have gone to bed. I usually fall asleep around 12 or 1 AM. I wake up in the middle of the night, check on him, make sure he's breathing. Since this monster came into our lives, husband's sleep is restless. He jerks, chokes, tosses and turns, yells out loud and then the tremors start. Most people go to bed for rest. I go to bed and am "On Call."

So, this is where I am at today. Sad and tired. Sad that I have to watch husband struggle another day. Sad that we don't have a normal life anymore. And tired. Tired of watching husband struggle daily. Tired of being the only "adult" in this house. Tired of making all the decisions. Tired of all of this, but, mostly tired of this monster who has invaded our lives, destroying my husband.

Today, I just want it all to go away.