Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


So, here I am.  It has been some time since my last post.  I needed time.  I am so tired of posting the same thing, over and over again.  It was just getting to me.  I needed some quiet time within myself, wanting to listen to my heart.

I have always felt that when my Mother passed, husband would follow soon after. 

My Mother suffered seizures beginning last Friday.  She was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  My Mother is now a vegetable, coming home today with Hospice.  There, they will be with my Mother until she passes. 

And so it begins. 

Being that my Mother is in California, there was no way I could travel to be with her.  Luckily, my one sister flew out from Phoenix, the other flew in from Oregon, and the one sister in California is the one my Mother lives with.  I was physically sick knowing I could not be at her side.  But, with husband being in his state, I could not leave him.  I am his everything.  Like a baby needing his Mother.

Maybe it was for the best, as she knows no one now. 

Husband will ask me about my Mother.  He was afraid I was leaving him and flying out to California.  When I told him no, he said he would "get scared if I left."

I talked to my Mother last Wednesday.  I told her I would call her on Sunday.  I couldn't keep that promise. 

And now?  I will never, ever be able to speak to my Mother again.  Forever.  That's a long time.  I keep running her voice through my head.  Memorizing her voice.  Remembering what she sounded like.  I hope I never forget her voice.

And husband?  He wanders the house, especially at night.  He is obsessed with the toilet.  I wake up and find him in the bathroom, flushing the toilet over and over.  He now likes to wear his glasses when he sleeps.  Tells me he can "see" better when he's asleep.  Just to name a few of his "favorite" oddities lately.

I don't talk much lately.  I like to be alone in my thoughts. 

So I play the waiting game.  Waiting for "the call" from my sister.   Once it comes, I will turn my attention to husband.

He will be next. 


  1. Oh sorry. What a plate full you have. I'm sure your mother understood why. Still hard. Wish someone cod take care of your husband a few days for you but it would be do hard on him. Troops. To take care of yourself. Hugs

  2. Oh my dear. My heart breaks for you. No one can take your pain away, but I pray again for the peace that passes understanding and that you will feel that peace. We care.

  3. You are stronger than you know – right now you are beyond over whelmed. You must feel like your world is totally turning upside down and you have no control over any of it. We don’t but we do have our faith and a loving God. What is that saying life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it – your ‘reaction’ of quiet time and thoughts to yourself is good. Take that time to recall fond memories, pray, meditate, prepare for the future. I think taking time for yourself (quiet or however you decide to spend your time) will create a balance you need to face each challenge as it arrives. I just lost my Grandmother on Sunday. She had a wonderful long life of 102 years but I understand the waiting game. I had been in that mode for the last month. Don’t give up. You may stumble along the way but you will make it because you are capable, loved and strong.