It's been a while since my last post. Just haven't wanted to talk about Alzheimer's. Been a rough week.
Last Saturday, I took husband out for the day. I had planned on it for 2 weeks. I was excited for him as well as for me. Big mistake.
Being around husband all day, every day, I did not realize just how sick he really is.
By evening, I was exhausted and jittery from his bad behavior. Oh, it was something, I'll tell you.
Husband has become very mean towards me. I have heard that Alzheimer's patients do this, but, just never thought he would.
Everything is my fault. I think deep down, somewhere in his brain, he can tell the difference in how I can walk, talk and deal with everything. Unlike him, who cannot walk, has garbled speech, and cannot even think anymore, I think he thinks it's just not fair and will take it out on me.
After our day trip, I let him know of his bad behavior, (I know, but, sometimes I have to make him aware of bad behavior), he seemed sorry, but, continued to say if I hadn't of done this or that, maybe he would've acted better. Exhausting.
I am fighting a losing battle here. Right now, I think I would like to bat my head against a brick wall than try to make him understand bad behavior.
I have been having problems with him waking in the middle of the night and having conversations with "the visitors" again. Last night, he was telling "someone", "No!!! Leave me alone."
I stayed in my bed listening to him wondering what was going to happen. Finally, he laid back down, still muttering, still restless.
And, I wonder. Just who was that?
Part of me wants this all over. The other part longs for a normal life with a healthy husband. And, it makes me so sad that I will never, ever, have a healthy husband or, for that matter, a normal life.
Sometimes, like today, I think it's just not fair.