Anywhere but here

Oh, what a week it's been. I can honestly say this has been the most troubling weeks ever.

Husband seemed OK on Monday. Monday night, he took a nose dive into the Land of Dementia. It was a downward spiral that happened so fast, it left us all rattled. There is no warning, no suttle changes, no nothing. He went from quietly watching TV, then, no warning, he began talking about money, how I was hoarding all the money (don't I wish), he knows I have it all stashed somewhere (don't I wish, again), and, he demanded $100, right now.

I immediately knew he had "crashed", so I quietly told him I have no money, the money is in the bank, well, what's left of the money. I then told him to go lay down, relax. He was having none of it. Said he was going down to the bank in the morning to get all "his" money.

Of course, it left me rattled. How can you go from being so calm to this, I asked myself? Then, I remembered through my research on this, once the brain starts to die off, there will be sudden short circuits. When these occur, it means that a portion of the brain has been destroyed, therefore, leaving what's left in sort of a state of shock. Thus, it will short circut. Eventually, it adjusts, until it hits again.

The rest of the week was spent watching him closely. He had his moments of complete utter confusion. Lost his cane, eventually found it, wanderded in the garage alot, couldn't find him one time. Then, I looked out the sliding door to the backyard, and there he was, sitting on the patio, looking around as if to say, "Where am I?" Told him to come in and, at first, he didn't even recognize me. That scared me. He did come in, then went to sleep.

I hit a wall by Thursday. Yesterday was not a good day. I felt so alone, lost and sad. I can't let that happen. I have to be the everything.

I went to the pharmacy the other day and, as I was driving, I was looking at houses, wishing I lived in their house. They looked so perfect. Anywhere but here, Lord, I said. Knowing full well that everyone has a cross to bear. Then, I looked out towards the airport as I topped a hill. A plane had just taken off. I imagined I was on that plane going anywhere but here. Escape.

I can't escape. This is my life whether I like it or not. Who could like this? Who would want my life? Folks, be glad you're not me. I'm not even glad I'm me.

"This too shall pass". Of course I know that verse. It doesn't make it easier for me in this moment. Today I will clean house, do laundry, all the things that I normally do. All the while thinking, "Anywhere but here, Lord." Just give me a moment to catch my breath.