Listen & Learn

I had an OK weekend. Went to a baby shower on Saturday, then off to church Saturday evening. Sunday, I made a brisket, Tyler & Susie came to eat. Haven't seen them in awhile. Pat & Christine stopped by too.

Tyler & Susie are getting married this Friday. I am happy for them. They are looking for a house to buy. They want to get out of their apartment before their lease is up in January. They make a good pair.

Husband has been so so. We have had alot of memory issues this weekend. Jack took him to his dad's house Saturday. I had told him all week that I was going to a baby shower on Saturday but, would be home in time to go to church. When they left Saturday morning, I once again told him where I was going. While I was at the baby shower, he started blowing up my phone. When I didn't answer, he called Kristens' phone. Jack helpd him dial Kristens' number. He doesn't know how anymore. Once I got him on the line, he was in a panic, asking me where I was. I told him I was at the baby shower, remember? He said, "Well, you never told me about any baby shower". So, of course I just had to agree with him. Easier. When I got off the phone, everyone was looking at me. They all know what's happening here, so it wasn't hard for them to get what had just happened. The look on their faces said enough. It was pitiful. They just hung their heads. I said, "OK, so what were you saying?" They all seemed to relax a little. When I left, they all hugged me a little tighter than usual. Some of them said, "God Bless You".

Husband does not like it when I leave. I suppose I am his security now, and when I'm gone, he feels lost. I do everything for him, including his thinking.

I told him that he has an appointment on Thursday to get measured for his braces. We talked about it alot. Saturday, he asks me when are we ever going to hear from the Physical Therapist about going in to get braces? I always have to stop for a moment, look into his eyes, see that blank look, that haunting blank look, then, I answer him as if it's the first time.

I am trying not to say to him, "remember?" because, he doesn't remember. It's just habit to say that, but, for a person suffering from Dementia, no, they don't remember. I have to remind myself of that all the time.

Tyler said to me yesterday, "Mom, he's gotten bad". You think? "Is he like this all the time now?" I told him no, but, alot of the time. He looked so sad. I told Tyler to just go with it. Often, during the afternoon when they were here, I heard Tyler repeat himself over and over to husband. Tyler looked a little tired when they left. Ha, welcome to my world.

So, a new week has begun. Another day. Days of memory losses, days of watching husband attempt to walk. Days of watching husband stumble. Some days of watching husband falling over his own two feet. Days of looking at my husband eyes, and see the life drained out of them.

In the beginning of each day, in the quiet of my home, I now give thanks for everything to God. Only He can carry me through this. It's all I have. Hope in Christ. I am learning not to be anxious in anything. Just let if happen, because it's going to happen anyway. I'm learning and listening. I hope I do Him and husband proud.