Questions for me

It poured rain all day yesterday. Very chilly. I started out with all the doors and windows open. Slowly, throughout the day, windows were closing, windows on the storm door was closed, my capris turned into long pants, socks were added and, finally, a sweater. When I went to bed, it was still raining, so I fell asleep to the soud of rain. Peaceful.

Husband seems OK. Was confused several times yesterday. A little on the grumpy side. I had some split pea soup for dinner. He liked that. Seemed quiet but relaxed by dinner time.

His legs are getting very stiff. He had alot of difficulty getting from the bed to the bathroom last night. His legs looked like two boards trying to bend. It's pitiful watching him attempt to walk normal anymore. You can see the struggle on his face.

When he stumbles, he always makes an excuse as to why he stumbled. Says the carpet wrinkled up, the dog made him stumble, he couldn't see because it was dark, someone got in his way, and so on. I don't say anything, just let him vent.

I don't believe he has accepted he has this disease. There is still a struggle going on inside him. Who can blame him?

It might be easier when he gets so far gone. He won't know anything anymore. Therefore, he won't fight it as he does now. Then, I feel guilty for feeling this way. How can I "look forward" to him not remembering anything anymore? What kind of a person am I?

I have to shake myself when I get these feelings of guilt. It's not that I want him to die, I just don't want him to suffer anymore. Is that OK to feel this way? Don't know, but it's the way I feel.

Last night, husband fell asleep early, Jack fell asleep early, Kristen was at work. I sat here alone, watching TV. I felt alone. It was not a good feeling. Then, I started thinking, (not a good thing for me), one day I will be alone. I will watch TV alone, eat alone, live alone. Can I do this? Or, should I move with Tish & Jace? Still so many unanswered questions for me.

When I got up this morning, the questions came at me again. In a weird place today. Gonna have to let time take care of itself.