The Days of My Life

Not much news around here this morning. Yesterday was heavy house cleaning. My house sparkles. Made an early dinner then off to church.

I decided not to continue with the Support Group I joined earlier this summer. There is a small group at church that meets at a house every Friday. In this group, there are people who are struggling with finances and everyday living. Jackie and her husband (I forgot his name) head this group are very nice and down to earth. I believe I will fit in better with this group. Husband will go with me, as it is a couples support group. There is also another group at church that is for people who have lost or are losing a loved one. That one meets every Thursday night. I am going to check that one out as well. Jackie told me about this group, said I would benefit from this.

Husband has stayed pretty much the same for the last few days. He can always sense that he has pretty much worn me out. Seems like he backs off. The questions continue to come, I repeat myself over and over, he does things that rattle me and, just when I get to stroke level, he will back off a bit. Funny how he can sense that he has taken me to the brink. Maybe it's because he realizes what he has done? I don't know.

Woke up in the middle of the night. Husband was not in bed. Was wandering around in the house. He came back to bed and fell asleep. I started to think about all the what if's. What if he went outside and got lost? What if he started driving? How can I lock him in the house? His mother used to wander. She would take her clothes off, then go walking in the neighborhood. My father in law would be called at work, have to leave work and go find her. Until he brought someone in to stay with her during the day, this happened alot. I remember that. Is it starting? Will I wake up one morning, finding him gone? What do I do? I gave up and at 6:30 got up and made an espresso, still thinking. Husband got up with me. He is quiet this morning, maybe he is thinking too. Maybe it scared him too. I won't bring it up, it will only upset him.

These are the days of my life now. I am always comparing him to his mother lately. Maybe because when I came into the picture, she was in the last stages. She couldn't walk anymore, memory was poor at it's best. Husband would sit with her on Saturdays so father in law could work. He would come home and tell me about his day with her. He would be upset that his mother had turned into a helpless child. And, I remembered what he said towards the end of her life.

He had a particular hard time with her that day. She did not know him anymore, kept asking him to leave, as her husband would be home soon and she needed to "straighten up" the house. Husband told her he was her son, "Mom, it's Leon", he told her. There was not a hint of recollection in her face.

When he came home, after telling me all of this, he said, "Man, if I ever get that, take me in the back yard and shoot me in the head".

I often think back to that day. He did get it. He's like her now. And, he knows he will die. He isn't that far gone........yet. He will be, soon enough. There's one thing I will not do. I will not take him in the backyard and shoot him in the head.