To Be Alone

Woke up to gloomy skies and chilly weather. I love rainy days. Nothing like hunkering down and listening to the rain.

Husband has remained the same. Lots of confusion. He was wandering again in the night. On Sunday, I called in his Rx for the anti-seizure med. He followed me all of Sunday, reminding me to pick up his meds Monday morning. As soon as he got up yesterday, he was once again reminding me I had to go get his meds.

I left him at home with Kristen. Because it's a controlled substance, I can't pick it up at the UNM Pharmacy near my home. Have to go to the main hospital pharmacy. That place is a zoo. When I got there, the parking lot was full. As I got inside, it was standing room only. I took a numbered ticket, looked at my number, looked at the board to see what numbers were being called. They were on 557 and my number was 594. Lovely. At least I was alone. Didn't have to answer questions to anyone. I savored the time, not talking, and just observed all the crazy people there.

I sat next to a lady who did nothing but swing her legs and say, "shit", over and over. So, for 40 minutes or so, I meditated to the sound of "shit". Actually, it was OK because I got to be alone.

Since husband doesn't have to remind me of his meds anymore, he has been a little better. The eyes are blank. Empty looking. When I was cooking dinner last night, he stood right by me, watching my every move. I finally told him to leave the kitchen and he got mad. Real mad. Shuffled off to the bedroom where he pouted for a few minutes, then, came back and hovered around me again. I felt like I was being suffocated.

These times are really hard on me. I sometimes don't know if I'm coming or going. I hate this. Today I am hoping I can take him to his dad's. That gives me some alone time that I crave.

We go on Thursday to Physical Therapy. Let's hope they give him the four pronged cane he needs. Or, decide a walker would be best. I have noticed his left arm is starting to look spastic. He almost fell at church Sunday. Kristen caught him before he fell. He was very upset about that. It must be so frustrating for him. I feel so bad for him. I see him struggling to walk "normal" like the rest of us and it breaks my heart. He looks pitiful. People stare at him. He sees them, I see them. The look they give him hurts me, for him. One day I will say something to those who judge him by the way he walks.

He was once a fantastic husband, a doting father. An avid fisherman, hunter and loved nothing better than to go to the mountains. What he is now is awful. It's all I have left of him.

So here's to a new day. A day filled with many questions, frustrations and confusion. Ready, set, go.