I have been talking to God a lot lately. A lot. And my Mom. A lot. My heart is heavy and as I type these words, tears keep falling.
You see, I have come to the difficult decision to place husband in a facility. It's time. For his sake as well as mine. And for his safety.
Last week, husband got up in the middle of the night and wandered into the bathroom. Somehow, he fell backwards into the bathtub, hitting his head and his right arm hit the bathtub faucet, bending it and putting an awful bruise on his arm. It took Kristen and I about an hour to get him out of the tub.
It was then I began talking to God and my Mom.
I have given this journey 5 years. 5 long years. I thought I could do it. "I'm strong," I would tell myself. "God has trusted me with this," I'd say. "I take my wedding vows seriously," I'd try to convince myself. "Remember the promise you made to him, that long ago day, Day of Diagnosis, that you would never place him in a home?" I'd remind myself.
Now, like today, with him sleeping in the bedroom, I try to imagine him gone, in a home. I get a peaceful feeling, along with such great sadness.
So, now begins the process. My first stop is Social Security Friday morning. Because I am his Rep & Payee, he doesn't need to be there. With him having Medicare and supplemental Humana Insurance, I was told by someone who knows, that I will not lose his benefits, but, will pay a monthly co-pay. Medicare and Humana will absorb most of the cost. So, I will go and get all my ducks in a row to find out what my options are.
Next stop will be finding a home. I want to make sure wherever I place him, that he will be well cared for.
I spoke with his nurse this morning, telling her of my decision. She agrees and said it was time. She is bringing me some names of places she knows that are outstanding. She did mention that I should place him in an Alzheimer's Care Facility. That way, he will be around people special like him.
I know my husband will hate me for this. But, once I've made up my mind, there's no changing it. I can't let the fear of him hating me stop me. I know once he's there and gets used to it, he'll be fine. It's getting him there that scares me.
So, there you have it. I am breaking my promise to him and placing him. Only, when I made that promise, I would have no idea what a nightmare this is and how it's taken a real toll on me.
There will be some who disagree with my decision. Oh well. They don't live here. They do not walk in my shoes. Only I can make this difficult decision.
Please be in prayer with me as I begin this heart wrenching task. What a journey this has been. My body, soul and mind are so weary right now.
But, once again. It's time. May God and all His Glory be with me.