Seasons of Life

Yesterday was quiet.  Got husband up, bathed, shaved, dressed and fed him breakfast.  He did not eat much.  He looked so tired, so, I suggested he go lay back down.  I was washing his sheets from the previous night, and just pulled the blanket over the mattress so he could lay down.

He slept for 6 hours.  And, I let him sleep.  Sometimes you just have to let your gut guide you.  He must've needed it. 

Husband has been in this new state for several days now.  He doesn't really quite know where he is at or what he is doing.  I will find him in the hallway, just standing there.  I ask him if he needs the bathroom, or wants to come into the living room.  It takes several minutes for him to reply.  I can hardly understand him.

Got him settled in bed last night, turned on his TV.  A while later, he called for me and asked me to change the channel.  When I went in, he said, "I can't remember how to use the remote.  And, I can't see it anyways."

Speaking of eyesight, that too is fading, fast.  His left eye is affected mostly, but, I've noticed the right eye as well.  It's probably only a matter of time before that one goes too.

Laying in his bed, he will glance at the TV, but, prefers to stare blankly up or towards the closet.  I often wonder what he is thinking, if he's thinking at all.

That leaves me plenty of time to think.  Plan.  And think some more.  I go outside, watch the birds and ducks.  I look up at the tall trees, talk to God, and, think some more.

I like it out on my porch.  It's cool, away from the hot sun.  There's usually a breeze.  Sometimes, though, neighbors will see me and want to visit.  There are times I don't want to visit.  I want to be alone.  Most of the time, they will ask if it's a good time to visit.  I am honest with them if it's not.  At least they respect me and will come later to see if I'm OK.

This life, my life, is not for the weak.  So, guess I'm not weak.  This disease and all that comes with it will either make me or break me. 

Husband has just woken up and of course, does not know where he is or what he should do.  He just told me that he cannot use the bathroom because there are people in there.

Yep, the start of another day.  A day in which I will care for husband like he is an infant.  Changing diapers, feeding, wiping drool from his mouth, assuring him there are no people in the bathroom, being his eyes, ears and translator.

The middle of summer now.  Fall will be here before you know it.  The weather will turn cool.  I will sit on my porch and watch the leaves die and blow away.

Just like husband, I will think.  He is dying and blowing further and further away from me. 

Ah, the Seasons of Life.

And to think, Fall used to be my favorite time of year.

My Prayer

Night terrors are back.  Great.  Just great.  Just when I thought moving husband to a hospital bed would stop him wandering in the middle of the night, they have come back with a vengeance.

This all started a few nights ago.  I was hoping it was just a fluke.  Not so much. 

Have I ever said I hate Alzheimer's?  I do and that much more.

Yesterday was so pleasant on my porch, I took husband outside for a few hours.  It had rained the night before, so, it was nice and fresh and cool.

For the last few days, husband has not been in the here and now.  Yesterday was no different.  He has no idea where he's at and kept asking me if the movers were coming.  I kept telling him we were not moving for another 3 weeks.  He would look at me as if I were speaking another language, look out towards the trees and grass, turn back to me and ask me if the movers were coming.  Again and again.

He looks so helpless now.  His eyes have such a haunting look about them.  Big, round and, vacant.  His whole facial structure has changed.  His jaw juts out, his bottom lip is turned outward and those eyes.  I am going to try and take a picture of his face just so ya'll can see.  Let's hope the picture doesn't take up a whole page on this blog like it's done before and I had to delete it.

He woke me up around 4 AM this morning, saying he had to gather his stuff up, along with some onions.  Yes, onions.  Amazing what a brain can do being affected by Alzheimer's.

He said he had to go to the bathroom, I took him in.  His diaper was soaking wet, I took it off of him.  He sat down and started chanting, "What goes in, must go out," then, would look up at me and laugh a silly laugh.  This chanting went on for about 45 minutes.

I finally coaxed him back to bed.  As I was straightening out the sheet and blanket, I felt the bed.  Wet.  Grrrr.  He said, "I didn't wet the bed, someone else did, honest."

It just never ends.  It's always something. 

Wherever husband is, he's at least pleasant.  His mind is completely gone.  He seems content to stare into space.  I so hope God is guiding him Home. 

My prayer is God take him soon.  

 

Talking to the Angels

OK, started posting and out of the blue, it just went away.  Never had that happen before.  One more time.  Here we go.

Husband has been in and out.  Mostly out.  His walking is next to nothing now.  He has tremors through his body, all day, every day.  His memory is practically gone.  His eyesight is poor at best. 

I like to bring him outside and sit on the porch.  There he will sit and stare at nothing.  Eyes are blank, head bobs.  He will occasionally ask me a question, one that will make no sense,  I answer as best I can and he nods and once again will stare out at the grass and trees with a blank stare.

Because I don't take him many places anymore, I think that the fresh air will do him good.  He does like it.  It can be so hot, but, on our porch, it is cool with all the shade that we have.

His appetite has decreased.  He no longer wants a big breakfast, nor does he tell me he's hungry.  I ask him if he's hungry and he will take a minute to think about it, then say, "Not really."

Father in law came up yesterday.  He used to be so happy to see his dad.  Now?  He will be polite to his dad, but, that's about it. 

After father in law left, husband said, "Does he come to visit here a lot?"  yes, I say.  Oh, he replies.

My house is quiet most days.  We have settled into this new routine.  No longer does husband do anything.  His big flat screen TV sits silent in the bedroom.  He rarely turns it on.  He has forgotten how to use the remote and just stares at the silent TV.  Then, he will turn his head to look at the closet.  The mirrored doors are gone, so, he can stare at the contents of the closet for quite some time. 

When I suggest he take a nap, he will close his eyes.  Lately, I've been watching him as he sleeps during the day.  Once he's asleep, I often go in there to stare at him.  He does such an odd thing.

I can tell he's asleep, then, suddenly, his face will break into a smile and his hands go up and down as if he's having a conversation.  It was disturbing to me at first, but now, not so much.

I watch, mesmerized by this.  It may last as long as 20 minutes.  Sometimes even longer.  As I sit there watching him, I wonder what is going on in his brain.  Is it Alzheimer's, or, is it something else?

Yesterday, as he was doing this, I suddenly had a thought.  Is he talking to the Angels?  Are they nearby?  Do they linger over him as he sleeps?  Are they coming for him?  Do they call his name?

As much as I don't want him to die, the very thought of Angels in my bedroom is comforting. 

Yes, I'd like to think it is the Angels.  And, he talks to them.

The finality of it all

The saga of the "broken" shoes continued until yesterday afternoon.  I was cleaning house and had enough.  I got his "broken" shoes out, put socks on husband then put his shoes on.  Once I got done I stood up and said, "Now, you tell me where they are broken?"  Since then, the "broken" shoes are no more.  End of story.

Actually, I was not so nice about it.  Not mean, mind you, but, firm.  Very firm.

I've read and heard stories of caregivers being mean to the Alzheimer patient.  While I will never be mean, I have found that you do have to take the upper hand.  Otherwise, it can really drive you nuts.  Taking care of husband is exhausting.  There are days he just won't let up, like the shoe business.  Once I've had it, well, I've had it.  It was so constant yesterday, that I thought I would go mad.  Instead, I took the upper hand and that was the end of it.

Of course, there will be other things to occupy his mind.  He will find something else, I know, but, for now, the shoes are not "broken" anymore.

Husband is confused about this moving to another apartment.  Luckily, the floor plan is exactly like this one, with the only difference being there is a washer/dryer in the unit.  He keeps asking me if we are going to take our stuff, or, leave it here.  I continually tell him our stuff will go with us, but, it's not sinking in.  Nothing sinks in with him anymore.  Nothing.

He has stopped asking me what day it is.  I didn't really think much about it until the other day.  I thought, "When did that stop?"  I can't pinpoint it, but, it's been weeks.  His brain is so damaged now that, I think he's forgotten what days are.  He also doesn't ask me what the date is, or, the time of year.  All has stopped.

When Dr A said, "Christmas?",  he may be right on.  If  husband lasts into the new year, I'll be surprised.

I thought about this last night.  Man, what a crappy time of year to die.  I don't want him to die at all, but, Christmas time?  

I am prepared for it.  I think I got my ducks in a row.  Financially, I  think I'll be OK.  At least, I hope so.

Mentally, I honestly don't know.  I don't think you can ever really prepare for your loved one to die.  I often wonder, "Will I cry a lot when he dies?"  "Will I be so lonely, I won't know what to do with myself?"  "Will I go to the cemetery and stare at His Place?"  "What in the world will I do without him?"  "My kids.  Will they be alright?"

I think the questions that go through my mind are normal.  I just want us, the ones he is leaving behind, to be OK.

Husband will be fine, I know that.  He'll be at peace, his suffering over.  I'm not worried about him.

It's us I worry about.

Giving me the "funnies"

I have been wanting to come here and post, but, my mornings have been so busy, that, before I know it, it's noon and I haven't posted.  This morning, however, I have made the time.

Husband has not been well.  The hallucinations and confusion have taken up a good portion of my day.  Some of the hallucinations can be funny.  Even he laughs at them  Other's, not so funny.  Or, the hallucinations can be scary or just plain draining on me.  You just never know.  Take for instance, yesterday morning.

Husband insisted, after breakfast on putting on his shoes.  He doesn't know how to put on shoes anymore, I have to do it for him. 

He got his shoes out, studied them for about 20 minutes, lifted one leg and attempted to put them on.  I was trying to ignore him, hoping he would get frustrated and put them away.  Not so lucky.

After about 1 hour, he made the announcement that I needed to take him to the shoe store and buy him a new pair of shoes.  Now, the shoes he has are very new, I just bought them in April.  He doesn't wear shoes on a daily basis as he is mostly inside.  These shoes are in pristine condition. 

I explained that the shoes he has are in perfect shape.  He was having none of it.  He started to act up and told me his shoes were "broken".

This went on for hours.  He told me I was being mean to him and he was going to call his dad and tell on me.  I ignored it all.

I was doing my laundry and every time I had to go to the laundry room, he told me that when I got back, he was going to be gone.  Said he would go to the shoe store by himself and tell them to give him a new pair of shoes because his were "broken".  Each time I left, I would lock the front door behind me.  He doesn't know how to unlock the door anymore, so, that kept him safe.

Oh, the things I have learned to do!

I couldn't help but chuckle about this episode.  You had to be here.

He finally came out of it in the afternoon.  Whew.  He was fine after that.  Well, as fine as he can be that is.

I looked at him last night and got such a sad feeling inside.  He is so helpless now.  Looks up to me like a child would look up to his mother.

As I tucked him into bed last night, he was pulling the covers up to his chest and asked, "Am I doing this right?"  I assured him he was.  Kissed the top of his head, told him I loved him then said, "You behave and go to sleep."   He got a smile on his face and promised he would behave.

When I went into the living room and thought about the day, I had to laugh.  It really was funny.  I believe God gives me the "funnies" once in awhile to keep me from going completely nuts.

I am hoping the "broken" shoe issue will not come up today.  Have to keep him busy so he doesn't have to think about it.

I will take his "broken" shoes and hide them in the closet. 

Stay tuned..................................

The Good Ole' Days

Thank you for the comments.  It's nice to know that the decisions I make are upheld by readers like you.  I no longer have a husband, its just me making all these decisions.  It's not easy when I want to do what's best for him as well, but, have no input from him because of Alzheimer's.

I get a little sad when I think of Colorado and my longing to live there.  But, once I put aside MY desires and instead, listened to God, it all fell into place.

Unfortunately, the new tenant wants this unit.  He was quoted a great price per month, (as I was when we moved here) and doesn't want to switch.  Can't blame him, it is a good price.

This apartment is a basic apartment.  No bells or whistles here.  But, they did offer me another one that is just 6 apartments down the way that is exactly like this one, only it comes with a washer & dryer.  Yay.  My view will be trees and grass.  No pond with the beautiful fountain, but, it still is very pretty.  There is an Aspen tree that I can watch change colors in the fall.  My favorite tree of all.

Of course, the rent is more with the washer & dryer, but, I will still be here, and, as one of the girls in the office pointed out, no more hauling dirty clothes to the laundry room in the winter time.  She had me sold there.

I don't know when I can move there, as my lease expires here next month.  May have to stay until then, which is fine by me. 

Husband is OK with all of this.  Of course, I have put him through a lot of confusion last week with, "We're going, we're staying," then, "we're going, oh no, wait, we're staying."   It was enough to put me over the edge, but, he dealt with it OK.

Frankly, I don't think he even realized what was happening.  He's that far gone.

As my one neighbor said last night, "I don't like the idea of you not being next to me, but, you know if anything happens to husband, I'm only down the pathway."

Also, and this is a big one.  If husband passes, I will still be able to pay my rent here and make it on my own.  That is always in the back of my mind.  I need that stability and peace of mind.  I have to be able to make it on my own.

I don't like all this grown up stuff.  I don't like having to bare this weight on my own.  I miss my old life, with a healthy husband, both of us holding down good jobs, loving summer time with camping and fishing.  BBQ's, with husband at the grill. 

Yes, I miss it all.  I am emerging stronger and better than before.  But, I can still long for the good ole' days. 

Because, they were that good!

Dazed and confused no more

I've been absent, I know.  I needed a break from life.  I unplugged my phone, sat outside for countless hours, and, prayed.  I made a decision, one that has been hard, shed many tears over this, talked to
God and cried some more.

I have decided to stay here.  For many reasons.  First reason is money.  Moving to Colorado would eat up all the money we survive on.  Rent would be higher.  The stress I've been under has been tremendous. 

By yesterday morning, I felt as if I was going to lose it completely.  As I was sitting outside, I saw father in law drive up.  I had just finished asking God to guide me in my decision.

I told father in law my issues when he asked me what was wrong.  He, being the wise man that he is, gave me some good points to ponder.  He pointed out how we can make it here financially.  He said how beautiful the grounds are from our living room.  He said our apartment is just perfect for the two of us.  He told me that when husband does pass,  I'll still be able to live here on my own.  He said a lot of things. 

I told him of my giving a 60 day notice last month.  He advised me to go to the office and try to rescind my notice.  Said anything can be worked out.  Said we have been excellent tenants, paid my rent on time, never causing trouble.

Once I got husband settled with his breakfast and visiting with his dad,  I went down to the office.  I was so scared. 

It seems that they have already rented my apartment, but, they were going to call the new tenant and see if they could switch him to another unit.  I told them that if I had to switch to another unit,  I would, but, preferred to stay in this one.  They told me not to worry, we would work it out.

I have been praying that this new tenant will agree to switch.  Please pray with me.  I'll know something today.

I know Tish will be upset about my decision, but, this is my decision and my life we're talking about.  As much as I would love to go to Colorado, I just can't at this time.  The time is not right.  I have felt this way for many weeks now.  But, once I made my decision to stay here, for awhile mind you, not forever, but, for now, I have felt the weight lift off my shoulders.

Yesterday afternoon, as the word spread that I was staying, my wonderful neighbors started coming up to me on the porch, giving me hugs and telling me how happy they were I wasn't leaving, I felt better and better.  They talked of Christmas, and how I would be here to celebrate with them.  They talked of Thanksgiving and how we should do a pot luck. 

As I sat on my porch, watching my neighbors fussing over husband, smiling, joking and planning for the upcoming year, I felt such inner Peace. 

Yes, this is where I belong.  For now.