Another year

Oh boy.  Husband is getting a little scary in his scooter chair.  He has banged into walls and crashed into furniture.

Last night, I was sitting on the couch watching TV.  My couch is in the middle of the living room, separating the living room from the dining room.  I did not hear him come down the hallway, when, all of a sudden, there was this sudden jerk of the couch, followed by the couch being moved a little.  I didn't know what the heck was going on, until, around the corner of the couch I saw husband.  It scared me so much that I couldn't speak for a minute, then, I laid into husband.  I told him how much he scared me, to be careful, look where he is going.  Of course, he got mad and said, "Well, I don't know how to drive this thing anymore."

So, there it is.  He has forgotten how to operate his chair.  I don't know what I'm going to do when we move.  The apartment is small, not big like this house.  I surely don't want him banging into walls and making marks on the walls.  He certainly can't walk, even in that small apartment.  Guess I'll have to play it by ear.  Again.  Seems that's all I do anymore.

I woke up to snow this morning.  Good thing I'm not going anywhere today.  Want to have a quiet day today.

It's the end of 2012.  I can't say it's been a good year, nor a bad year.  Just another year.  I don't know what 2013 will bring.  I have not been working on my book.  Once we get moved and settled, I plan on doing just that.

So, for those of you who plan on having a celebration today, Happy New Year.

 

Delete

There is something to be said for families facing a loved one's devastating illness.  My family has changed, but, has remained the same.  Does that make any sense?  Let me explain.

We still laugh.  But, we laugh different.  There's a sadness just underneath the surface.  There's a certain sadness in the air in my house, but, we still laugh.  There's a missing link in our family now.  So, we laugh and joke and cut up.  Beats the alternative.

I think this Christmas was the turning point in this disease.  The kids who were here saw it, Marie saw it Friday.  Wow, in less than a week, husband has completely lost a huge part of his memory.  Alzheimer's hit his delete button.

For some reason, it has not really affected me the way some people think it should.  I'm taking it all in stride. It's not depressing me, nor do I cry about it.  Honestly?  I have been preparing myself for this for 2 years. And I'm ready for it.

It's not easy, mind you.  Husband can get out of hand.  I have learned to not make such a big deal out of anything in front of husband.  If he becomes unruly, it's up to me how I handle the situation.  I've learned that ignoring him is the best way.  He will settle down and in five minutes (I'm not kidding), he is smiling again.  Forgetting all about his tantrum of a few minutes ago.

Another perk of this disease.

I am surprising even myself at how well I'm handling this.  It's not as devastating as I thought it would be.  Maybe because he is, most of the time, oblivious to the fact the he can't remember anything?  He smiles through it all.  Just smiles.  This is new to me.  He fought so hard against this disease, and now that it's taking over his brain, he has begun to smile.

Smiling is contagious you know.  So, when he smiles, I smile.

We are entering Stage 7 of this disease, the final stage.  Funny how one just knows.  It's OK, I say to myself.  You can do this, I say to myself.

Wait.  I am doing it!!

Smile!!

Memory issues have really made it's presence known the last few days.  Husband has been pleasant, wheels around the house with a smile on his face, but, if you look in his eyes, "the look" is almost constant.

Husband called his dad yesterday.  I was changing the sheets on the bed and listened in on his conversation. He kept repeating himself.  Over and over.  He kept telling his dad about Jack and how much he likes military life.  Then, he would ask his dad about the weather, what he thought of this frigid cold, then, go right back to Jack, saying how much he likes military life.  By the time I got done with the bed and he was done talking, my heart was sinking.

Jason went to Wyoming for Christmas.  He called us on Christmas and husband spoke to him.  They had a good conversation.  The other day husband asked me where Jason was and why didn't he come to our house on Christmas.  I reminded him (Lesson #1, don't ever try to remind someone with Alzheimer's, it doesn't do any good) that he had spoken to him over the phone.  He looked at me as if I had lost my mind, then, said, "I did?  I don't remember."

I took Marie to run some errands yesterday.  I brought husband along.  When Marie got in the car, she gave husband a hug and we started on our way.  Husband turned to Marie sitting in the back seat and said, "So, how was your Christmas?  Did you guys have a good one?"  I glanced at her from my rear view mirror and saw the look on her face.  She looked as if she thought it was a joke, but, saw me looking at her.  Her little face fell, just for a moment.  She recovered and said, "Yes, daddy, we had a good Christmas.  I love you."  He said he loved her too, looked out the window with that smile on his face.

My poor Marie.  I think it's hit her just what is going on.  She was quiet the rest of the time.  She didn't say, "What?  We were at your house on Christmas, don't you remember?"  The kids all know now what not to say.  Now, if only I could learn that.

It's useless to say, "Don't you remember?,"  because they don't remember.

This has been hard adjusting to.  God has been good however, this perfect plan He has for us.  I am so busy getting organized for our move that, I don't have much time to dwell on the fact that I am loosing touch with husband.  He's really fading now.  But, only God knows what to do, so, He keeps me busy.  And I thank Him.

Husband has been smiling a lot lately.  Smiling, but, completely lost in his own world.  Could it be that the Angels are surrounding him and he feels the love of God?

I'd like to think so.

A noisy Christmas Day

Christmas morning started out rough, but, ended well.  Husband had been in a mood for a few days.

I decided to let him have his moment, then told him he could stay in the bedroom and be miserable, or, he could join the rest of the family once they got here and be a part of the family.  With that, I left him in the room and soon, he came out and was fine.

So, for the rest of the day, well, it was great.  I cooked, they all ate and swore I make the best stuffing, mashed potatoes and apple pies.  Husband ate well.

I didn't tell anyone he had had a bad morning.  I just went with the flow.  He laughed and I could tell he was enjoying himself.  "The look" was there all day, but, he did fine.  I heard a lot of "remember when..........", glanced at husband, and he would be nodding his head, which is a sign to me that he does not remember or understand what they are saying, but, being polite, he would nod his head.  He also laughed a lot.

So, Christmas 2012 was a success!  My husband was happy.  I laughed a lot too.  It was great to have family here.  This house is usually so quiet.  I sometimes miss the noise of family.  My heart was full.

OK, got the two major holidays out of the way.  Moving day, here we come.  Pat & Tyler will help and a family friend with the truck will help.  Not much to move, as I have gotten rid of so much.  It will be an adjustment, this small apartment, but, I'm more interested in the finance side of things.  Just have to be able to make it from month to month.

A new year is coming.  A new start.  I don't know what this year will bring.  My husband is fading away, but, I know deep in my heart that he will one day, be at peace.

Once all is said and done, I know I would have done the best I could do for him.  And, sometimes, doing all I can for husband now is good enough.

Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas!

I sincerely hope your day is filled with family, friends and the hope we have in Jesus Christ.  Oh, and all the good food that comes along with it.

I am cooking today.  A smaller version of what I used to cook, but, cooking all the same.

Jack got his package.  He posted it on Facebook.

Christmas Eve services was really good.  Burt, Marie and the kids all came back here to eat Posole.  It was delicious.  I think the key to really good Posole is, I cook it for 3 days.  There is enough left over to freeze for at least two, if not three more meals for husband and I.

Husband has been in a strange mood for a few days now.  I don't know what he is thinking.  I can't read him.  He acts like he is resentful of everything around him.  Even me.  He makes sarcastic remarks to me.  I let them go.  I hope he will "behave" today.

Of course, I've gotten used to this roller coaster.  I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've said this before.  It's no way to live, folks.  I don't know what it's like anymore to have a "normal" day.

I want a normal, happy day today.  Just one day, Lord.
 

You can do this, you can do this............................

Oh, the sights and smells of Christmas.  I thought for sure it would literally depress the heck out of me.  Surprise, it's not.  I'm just going with the flow.  When someone tells me have a happy holiday, I have been genuinely telling them to do the same.  This holiday season is not so bad after all.  Not that I walk around spreading Christmas cheer, but, when the young man at the cash register is so nice and talkative, I can't help but wish him a Merry Christmas.  So, OK, I think I can do this.

Husband has no Christmas spirit this year.  He has been down and depressed for a few days.  It's hard on me when he's this way, but, I have tried to get him to smile.  Maybe that's why I'm not so bah humbug?  Gotta keep his spirits up?  Could be.

He has not been sleeping well.  I find him sitting up in bed in the middle of the night.  Just sitting there, staring into the dark.  I tell him to lie back down.

He's been a little irritated at everything.  Including me.  He will try to test me.  See how much he can dish out.  Once I've had it, he retreats to the bedroom to sulk.  Ignoring him is the best way.  Just like a child.  I hate doing this, but, when you have a husband who has the mind of a 4 year old now, well, it worked for my other 4 year old children, so, it's been working for husband as well.

It's getting harder and harder now as we enter this final stage.  I'm holding on, not steady, but holding on just the same.  Preparing myself for the hell to come.  It's coming, just on the horizon, you can feel it in the air.  Reminds me of a big storm that is predicted.  You can see the clouds building up and you brace yourself.  You know it's going to hit, and there is nothing you can do to avoid it.

Tomorrow we will go to Christmas Eve services.  I started my homemade Posole yesterday.  It's a traditional New Mexico dish.  It's delicious.  You eat it on Christmas Eve.  Marie, Burt and the kids are going to church with us, then, come back here to eat Posole.  I am looking forward to that.  Kristen will be here too.

Jack called last night.  He asked me if I was making my Posole.  When I told him yes, he groaned.  He is homesick.  A lot of the guys went home for Christmas.  He said only a handful are there.  Said it's like a ghost town there now.  He has 2 weeks off from school.  I asked him if he got his package yet.  He said he will check today.

We talked for a long time.  He told me how much he has learned being in the military.  It was a good talk.  I still miss that boy.

There are no regular church services today.  Because our church is so large, they are having Christmas services today and tomorrow.  So, today I will pack up some stuff.  Get a little organized for our move.  Clean out some cupboards.  Take down shelves, pack up pictures.

So, for someone who has been dreading these holidays, it's not so bad.  All the pep talks I have been giving myself have paid off.

Yep, I can do this.

Ordinary people?

Thank you for your comments. And, yes, the fudge was Jack's idea. They always make me smile.   And a little humble.  You make me sound like a Saint.  Trust me, I'm no Saint.  There are times when I feel very sorry for myself.  And the "bad deal" that was handed to me.  I become someone I don't like.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin when I get this way.  Lately, I have been able to recognize when this feeling is coming on.  And I try to avoid it like a head on collision.  Most of the time it works.  I get over it quickly.  Other times, not so quickly.

Like the tides of the ocean.

People amuse me and make me want to spit like a man at times.  Sometimes, when said people and I see each other, they will ask if husband has gotten better and gone back to work yet.  Yes, I'm serious.  I was actually asked that recently.  So, this is where the "I'm no Saint" comes into play.  The look on my face after they asked that stupid question gave them their answer.

We have a friend who was actually husband's friend in high school.  She is married with 4 kids.  I have always thought her to be a little kooky, but nice.  Her ideas and mine don't mesh well.  She will call often, asking how husband is doing.  A few months ago, she called.  As we were talking, she kept bringing up how we both are going through the same things.  I asked her what she meant by this.  She said, "Well, you know, our husband's are both dying.  We are in this together."  I got concerned and asked her was her husband OK?  What was wrong with her husband?  Very calmly and believing every word she was saying, said, "Oh well, B has Diabetes, so I know what you are going through."  It took me a moment to recover.  I didn't know if I should laugh or just tell her off.  She then proceeds to tell me that when he comes home from work (he's still working?, I'm thinking)  he's tired.  Yep, I got a real kook on my hands.  Last time she called, I saw her name on the caller ID and did not pick up the phone.

God really does have a sense of humor.  He puts these people in my life for a reason.  Maybe it's for a good laugh.  But I sometimes walk away or hang up the phone shaking my head.  Crazy, I mumble to myself.

Why someone would want to compare their situation with mine is beyond me.  Do they honestly think this is glamorous?  Are they jealous?  Of what?  Now, that's not normal.  Or, how ignorant one would think that husband has gotten over his "issues" and is back to work.  To me, that's just plain ignorant.

The tides of my life.  There are highs and lows.  I want to remember the highs and laugh at the lows.