Digging Deep

Leon has been in a particular funky mood all week. He seems to want to start a fight with me and when I don't respond with a smart remark, it only makes it worse. My only recourse is to ignore him. Then, I feel guilty about ignoring him. This man makes me feel guilty about everything. If I run an errand with Kristen, I get a cold shoulder when I get home. If we watch a program that we both like, he will come out of the bedroom and glare at me. I know something is blowing in the wind, I can see it coming and the bad thing about it is, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

This crappy disease has robbed, stripped and destroyed our lives. We are not normal. My son Jack should not have to see this. He is such a "man" now, he takes it all in stride. But, I wonder, does he cry at night, all alone in his bedroom? Does he long for his Daddy that once was? Does he long for the Saturday mornings when he was 4,5 and 6 yrs old and they would get Zebra Cakes, sit in his Daddy's truck and feed the birds? Jack used to call them "pigets", instead of Pigeons. My chest is heavy with all that my son, my baby, has lost. And today I can finally say, that's not fair to my Jackie boy.

Also, I can finally admit that at times, I resent Leon. I know he can't help it, the disease has taken over his mind and body, but I have to be truthful to myself. I resent him. Is that normal? I don't know.

I am at a point in my life where I should be looking forward to the "Golden Years". Instead, I am planning a funeral for my husband, wondering where I am to live, how am I going to make it financially, should I move in with one of my kids or should I get a small apartment for just me? If so, how can I afford to pay rent? Ah, I hate days like this, absolutely hate it.

I am going to have to dig deep today and find myself again. I need me back, the strong one, the one who just takes these train wrecks head on, the one who says, "oh well, it is what it is", the one who finds comfort and comforts all.

Today if you're looking for me, I will be in the Department labeled, "Familial Frontal Dementia".