Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Friday, November 2, 2012

Quiet on the outside; Loud on the inside

It's been a quiet week.  Reminds me of an aftermath of the storm that was last week.  There has been a lot of reflecting, decisions and the reality of my situation.  For the past few days, I have been going back into the past.  Of the night husband and I met, of our dating, the butterflies I had when he would walk in the door, walking with my arm looped through his, our excitement of finding each other and, the plans we made together.

Fast forward to the here and now.  There are no butterflies.  I look at husband with pity now.  The struggle he has to walk and talk.  Once in awhile, I see fear in those once vibrant eyes.  We don't loop our arms together anymore.  He's in a wheelchair.  The excitement is gone, replaced with me making life and death decisions.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I'm not alone, only, at times, I feel so very alone.  There are other people going through this awful disease too.  While it doesn't make me feel any better about my situation, I'm not the only one who lives with this disease.

As they were taking husband to the hospital last week, one of the paramedics said, "My God, he's only 47." I heard that and it has echoed in my head for a week now.  I think that's what separates us from a lot of other folks.  Most of the men and women suffering from Alzheimer's are older.  They've lived a full life.

My husband won't live to see 50.  Now that's reality for you.

There is no real laughter in my house anymore.  Oh, there's a laugh here and there, but, not genuine laughter. And, if there is a laugh, husband looks around trying to figure out what that sound is.

Counting the days until we leave for San Antonio.  I've been checking the weather there.  Seems pretty mild. Warmer than here.  Wondering what kind of clothes to bring, so, I'll bring some warmer clothes and some cooler clothes.

Jack says he would like to eat Tex-Mex food.  Wants to experience it.  I don't know about Tex-Mex, as we are spoiled here in New Mexico with authentic Mexican food.  But, for him, we'll do it.  He says there are a lot of restaurants on base as well.  We will play it by ear and decide on the spot.

In a nutshell, it's been a quiet week.  God knows I needed it.  Only, the thoughts going on in my head won't stop.

It's quite loud in there.

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