Stories my Father told me

All children love to hear of the day they were born, including me. But, because of my traumatic birth, it was wonderful to hear about what a miracle God performed and let me live. Until however, at around age 8, my father told me something; something different about my traumatic birth that changed the entire course of my life.

We were having a big BBQ, there were lots of people there and the subject came up. As we were eating, my father told everyone, including me, that when I was born, the baby died so they kept the afterbirth. I can remember people laughing and my father, the ever present comic in the house, laughing with them. They all looked at me as they were laughing and I felt as if my world was crushed. There were many times after that that I was told I was the afterbirth and not a baby.

And that, my friends set the course for my life. I never felt a part of anything, I always felt different and self esteem? I had none, nothing. I felt useless, unworthy, dirty, stupid and lonely. I can remember being around my family at gatherings and feeling lonely.

I can remember being hired at Bank of America after being a Temp for 11 months. They said they were impressed with me for my hard word and willingness to learn and how they were honored to have me aboard. Me? Me? The stupid one? The failure of the family? I remember walking out of there feeling such a feeling.

Of course, that was 20 years ago, but it was a start to coming into my own.

And yes, as I have heard it over the years, my father was kidding, but.............you just don't tell a child something like that, you just don't. I cannot imagine telling my grandaughter, Olivia, who's 7, that when she was born the baby died so they kept the afterbirth.

Now that I have come into my own, I accept what he said, but it still hurts and as I sit here typing this post there are tears in my eyes and I feel like a little girl again, and my world being turned upside down and feeling so sad, so lost. That poor little lost girl, she suffered alot in her life, she was sad alot.

And today that little lost girl is crying again.