Birthday's

Tomorrow will be my twins birthday. They have families of their own now, one lives here, the other lives in Arizona. I won't celebrate with Tish, she's too far away. I may celebrate with Pat, but we'll have to see.

I told them both I will get them something on the 3rd of June, when we get paid. They don't expect anything from Mom, but it's nice to give them each $25.00, that's the least I can do.

Monday, that's Leon's birthday. He is very excited that it's his birthday. Like a child. I told him last week I couldn't get him anything for his birthday until the 3rd of June. A few hours later he said all I have to do is give him $100.00 on his birthday. Once again, I explained that we have no money, it'll have to wait until the 3rd. He looked a little sad, but said OK. Later on that day he came to me and said all I have to do for his birthday is give him some cash. I once again explained we have no money, that to wait until the 3rd. This has gone on all week. Each time, he looks so surprised that we have no money, doesn't get angry, just surprised.

I feel bad I can't get him anything. I would love to give him a birthday party with the cash that he wants, but I can't. I will cook him a special dinner and treat him like a King all day Monday. That's the best I can do.

But once again, when he is asleep, I look in on him and, the guilt sets in. Man, I hate this guilt that I feel. Why do I feel so guilty? Because I failed him? Because I can't give him what he wants, when he wants it? Because I failed myself? What is it?

This week has been hard. In more ways than one.