Jane's sisters invited me up to her house yesterday to give me a few personal items they knew I would like to have.  It was different being there without Jane.  I kept expecting her to come around the corner, walking that funny, cute little walk she had.  I felt a wave of sadness creep over me. 

I had requested a pencil drawing of her little boy, Kenneth.  I didn't remember how big it was.  He was about 8 years old at the time of this drawing.  I will cherish that.  I also got a picture of Jane & Bob around the time I met them, 22 years ago.  Little things here and there.

One of the sisters brought me this beautiful plate.  It has delicate flowers on it.  It's probably the size of a salad plate.  She said, "I want you to have this.  It's very old, probably from the 1800's and valuable.  It has not been appraised, but, we want you to have it."  It has gold painted around the rim.  Stunning.

All of the stuff I got will be placed in honor of Jane, Bob and Kenneth in our new apartment in Colorado Springs.

Speaking of which, I did all the final paperwork on the apartment up in the Springs.  Now, am waiting to see if we qualified.  I'm sure we will, but, there's always this shred of doubt that finds it's way into my mind.  Prayers?  Please.

Husband fell out of bed last night.  It took me about 30 minutes getting him back up into bed.  I blocked him in, using his walker butted up against his side of the bed.  Now, I have made up my mind that once we get to the Springs, he will have to go into a hospital bed.

As I crawled into bed, I asked him if he was OK.  He said yes.  Then he said, "Are we where we're supposed to be?"  I said, "You mean here, in our apartment?"  "Yes", he said.  I assured him we were where we're supposed to be.

Around 4 am, I woke up and husband was not in bed.  I found him wandering the living room.  He said he had to go to the bathroom, but, forgot where it was.  I guided him to the bathroom.  I got back into bed and when he was done he asked me where the bedroom was.  He was standing with is walker in the hallway looking for me.  He followed my voice.

Helpless.  Total helpless.

Because I am busy during the day, it doesn't come to mind just how hard this really is.  If I've had a particular difficult day with husband, it will hit me just as I am trying to go to sleep.  Then, I think, "Wow, this is really hard."  And, of course, all the difficult times ahead will invade my sleep. 

 I think about those coming times, what I will do.  I think about his end of life.  Will it be in my arms?  Will he go in his sleep?  Will he take a bad fall that will kill him?   Will a home nurse wake me up and give me the news that he's gone? 

No wonder I have dark circles under my eyes nowadays.  A trip to Walgreens is in my future.

Need to invest in some really, really good concealer.