Grief

I find myself thinking about that word alot lately. What is Grief? Are we supposed to Grieve when people we love die, or, are we supposed to Grieve while caring for a terminally ill loved one? When is it "acceptable" to Grieve for a loved one?

To me when I think of the word Grief, I imagine people crying, pounding their fists, shaking their fists at God, no reason to go on, being in a dark room with no one to around, lonely.

I have beat myself up this last year over this word, Grief. Why? Because I have done none of the above. Sure, I did some crying before diagnosis, but, I knew something was wrong when we lived in Fallbrook. Only I never said it out loud. If I did, then it would be true. And at that time, I didn't want to face it myself.

I finally gave in to myself 2 years ago when I accepted something was really, really wrong when I read something.

As I've stated before, Leon was always highly respected with Employers. Was the best at what he did. In January of 2009, I found his paperwork from being laid off in December, the previous month. In it, it said among other things, "Leon's work has been marginal and will need supervisor approval for re-hire".

And then it hit me. I knew. And I cried. Cried for him, for Jack, for what I already had suspected, cried for us, cried for me, cried for our new puppy, cried for his Father, cried for all that we were going to go through, cried for the man I fell in love with, cried for Jack some more, cried for all that we had planned for our future, cried for everything I could think of.

That piece of paper with those words on it spoke volumes to me. I knew.

So, looking back to that dark time, I did Grieve. I got it all out then. I don't have time for this Grief stuff now. It's done. I have to take care of all of us. And it's not easy. Financially, mentally and emotionally.

Huh, I did do what that word Grief means. And to think it all started with that piece of paper.