Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Sunday, June 3, 2012

God knows!!!

Weekend has been so so.  Husband will be fine one minute, then, off we go into another dimension.  This has to be hard on him.  I don't know.  Maybe he realizes it?  Maybe he doesn't.  It's hard to tell.

I have been very nervous, since, oh let's see, last week.  I feel the tension in my whole body.  

He asked me yesterday when I was going to do laundry again.  I do the laundry every Monday.  I reminded him of it then he said he had no clean clothes.  I thought that was impossible.  I looked in his dresser and found all his T-shirts neatly folded.  Showed him where his clothes were.  He said I had to have done the laundry then, because they weren't there in the morning.  ((Sigh.))

Because we are home most of the time, I cancelled our cell phone services.  No use paying for phones we don't use.  We have a house phone, good enough for me.  After we moved, husband found his cell phone and put it away.  Last night, he asked me what I did with our cell phones.  Trying to convince him that he put it away somewhere was impossible.  He insisted I did something with them.   Would not let up on that one. 


It's usually when I finally sit down to relax, watch some TV or  do some of my stained glass paintings.  It's like, "OK, she's trying to relax, let's go get her," kind of way.  It just won't let up.

There is no end to this disease it seems.

I know it's not really husband anymore.  This monster has taken over his mind and body.   Destroying it.  I get it.  But, when I hear him coming down the hallway, shuffling, holding on to the walker for dear life, I immediately tense up, waiting and watching for signs of complete confusion.  

When I look at him sleeping, I feel pity and resentment towards him.  It's not his fault.  But, I can't help my feelings either.  Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.  

I woke up full of resentment this morning.  Dreading the time when he wakes up and goes into his own world.  Questions, confusion, wandering the house.  I hate it all!!

I had to take Kristen to work early this morning.  Driving home, I turned on the radio.  A song came on I hadn't heard in years.  I felt a sudden warmness and calmness surround me.  I felt God was right with me.

Name of the song?

Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

((Sigh)),  Thank You Lord.  

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