Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Monday, June 11, 2012

"Not quite a widow"

I had a pleasant weekend.  First for me in a long time.  Didn't do much, but it was still pleasant.

Saw our friend D at church yesterday.  He heads up the Pit Stop.  Every 3rd Saturday of the month D, along with about 25 other mechanics fix cars for single mothers and the elderly.  People who can't afford otherwise.  It's a great ministry.  Well, I asked him about husband's scooter chair.  It would not charge, so after calling the 800 number, they told me the charging system had gone out.  They also told me how much it would cost to replace this system.  So, this chair has sat in my dining room because I am unable to afford to fix it.  D said he would pick it up next Monday and fix it for husband.  That's the way he is.

My car has developed a slow, slight oil leak.  D said he would fix that as well, at the next Pit Stop.  Like I said, this ministry is for single parents and/or the elderly.  I am neither, but, D says  I still fit the bill.

We started a new series yesterday at church.  It's on Marriage.  The focus is to improve your relationship with your spouse.  This first week,  Pastor directed it at the husband's.  As he was giving the message, I found myself  comparing my marriage to "normal" marriages.  Yes, he does that, yes he does this, yes, he did forget our anniversary, no, he doesn't remember when my birthday is, no, he doesn't appreciate me,  no, he doesn't help me carry groceries in, no, he does not help me with house cleaning, no, he never surprises me with a dinner out, he does not bring me flowers.  I could go on and on.

As I sat there, looking at all the other wives as they glanced at their husband's,  I glanced at my husband.  There he was, nodding his head with "the look".

Today, I'm wondering where I fit in in all of this.  Yes, I'm married, but, I have no real husband.  Not really.  Is that why D at the Pit Stop does all my maintenance on my vehicle, even though I'm married?

I'm sad about that.  I really don't fit in.  I have no real partner anymore.  It's just me.  I do it all.  For him and for me.  There is no one at the end of the day that I can lean on.  Just me.

I'm kind of in a limbo here.  Not single, married, husband is alive, for now, but no husband to speak of.  I feel the need to have a name, a label, so to speak.

I think for now I shall be called, "Not quite a widow".

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